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April 2011
Joce-lyn
All I yearn, is for the love of someone, coupled with the love from my sibling and parents. And to me, true love is when one sees an imperfect person perfectly. Which is what I see in you. The degree of the love that I have for you, I will learn from my past mistakes and make myself better for you. Just you. Then again, maybe I'm never the one. I'm not perfect, nor am I good in any sense.
Actions never coincide with words, and thoughts never coincide with either. That is, if you ever get past the first sentence.
Its not fucking easy to decide on whether i should get a car. it seems as if i need a car for transport given that the timings are very irregular, yet i can still take a cab every single damned day. but its the 'IFFY' days that count most. like shit, Staff is going to kill me if i fuck up.
thats where the car comes in but its between a need and a want. worst of all, the financial problem is in there right behind the rest of them. i've shortened it to a few makes depending on preowned or brand new. fucked up. its causing me a hell lot of problems right about now.
we'll just see how it goes. i am uncertain about the future. it really seems very weird now. is it that God is testing me over and over again? i really wonder. He seems to be throwing me more problems than not. i really wonder if i can take it. lots of people tell me, God will never test you beyond your limit. funny shit is, i feel that God is testing me beyond my limit right about now. i feel so pressured all over the place, wondering if the next step that i take would be my last.
i got no place to turn to. no one to turn to. no where to run and just let loose for a while. back 4 months ago, i had such exit points, places to go, people to see to let loose and talk to me. right now, i feel so alone. well, life always takes a turn wherever it goes. i'll just let it be for now. i'll let life crack me up as much as it can and i'll just sit in tight and hang for the ride. i dont know how long i'll last, but i'll try... i'll try...
its just so amazing that all it took was 4 months to cascade down to this. im really amazed. it has changed my perception on life so much. so much that i hardly recognise my personality. i've become more pessimistic in my outlook, hardly even expecting much of life now. i just live day by day, as though each day was my last. i dont really do much of anything but go about my life without much thought. im stoned from inside out. i hardened myself that i feel little.
is this how i want to live life? i dont know. happiness comes and goes. sadness comes and goes too. i dont care really. i really dont. what is it that i seek in life? love? life? riches? fame? power? i dont care about all those anymore. i feel that i am done in life. i have no more goals, no more places to turn and explore. life becomes meaningless. its not just because of a person that life turns meaningless, its because of how i changed myself to deal with that situation that i turned out this way. im not who i am anymore. of course, i still hold by my values of being faithful etc etc. but how long am i going to last like this? haha... somehow, something just churns within me to just live life so. not that i got something to prove anymore. not that i have to fight for someone anymore. i dont have to do such things already. hardly. indeed. but knowing my reponse, i will continue to do so. i just believe that now, i have nothing else to lose.
what else can i possibly lose? my life? i feel that there is no more meaning in life. my ability to walk? i literally drag myself around everyday letting everything pile up upon me. problems which are not mine, i shoulder still and carry on helping and caring. its getting tiring and exhausting, but im not stopping. the only time that i feel that i would stop, would be when i close my eyes for the very last time. at my given rate, it shouldnt take all too long. someday..... i'll be happy.....
i know that i have always told people, 'the life is yours. its your book to write. write it how you want it to be. if you want to be a scholar, write it just so. if you want to be a criminal, then write it as well. because the book is yours. no one can write it for you. only you, can write it for yourself. and at the end of the day, you will look back and read this book, for it is your life, your accomplishments and your failures throughout your life.' that is still what i believe in. but now, i believe that my pen has just malfunctioned. maybe, it isnt the pen, but the writer. the writer has either contracted writer's block, or even better yet, refused to continue writing out the novel. its not anything special, but its just that the writer has given up on the masterpiece. and rightly so, the author has truly given it up. willingly. and most surprisingly above all, without remorse. for the book has been burned away 4 months ago.
i've been running and running. i dont know how far i can run further. it just makes me sick that i cant do something about it. or is it just because that i am unwilling to do something about it? i dont even know myself as a person. im not perfect, i never was. but is it just so, that i cant do a simple thing about my life, getting it back on track? i believe that its just that i have always depended on someone else instead. and someone else provided me the strength to move on. i guess that it was always someone else supporting me, holding me up even when i fell down. being perfect isnt what im after, its being what others has been to me. its being there for them when they need me to be. but i dont last forever.
it has been 2 days already. im in a depressed state of mind even though i try, failingly, to act normal. i needed someone there to just tell me that its ok... that being down and out and useless, unable to help others, is just part of human nature. truth be told, i dont even know what it is im running from. its definitely not myself im running away from. its more that something is troubling me and past emotions stuck deep within me, embedded by my own self, and its resurfacing and i dont know how to deal with it. im breaking down from inside. tears want to flow, but i dont know why. its just so depressing...
i can do away with everything materialistic. having money doesnt mean shit to me. people can pay for me for all i care. but i still pay because i dont want others to be in a poorer state. i have been there before and it doesnt feel good. i dont want to pass that feeling on to others. its not because i have money to flaunt, but its just that feeling is very hard to live through. in a sense, i dont want others to get into the same shit as i did.
my life is just so fucked up. i dont blame anyone. i just blame myself for fucking up so badly. i dont know where i went wrong. im trying my best to backtrack, seeking help along the way. well, sometimes, you have to go alone and try. i dont have to do everything, neither do i believe that i have the capability to do everything. im human, im not able to do every single thing that exists... i just fear for the future now. i dont know what will happen. let the future decide... the empty feeling inside me, the abyss that opens up before me, its just throwing me further and further in. i really am feeling useless...
The Click Five - Jenny
She calls me baby
then she wont call me
says she adores me
and then ignores me
(Jenny, What's the problem?)
She keeps her distance
and sits on fences
puts up resistance
and builds defenses
(Jenny, Whats the problem?)
You keep me hanging on the line
everytime you change your mind
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
She needs her own space
she's playing mind games
ends up at my place
saying that she's changed
(Jenny, what's the problem?)
I'm trying to read between the lines
you got me going out of my mind
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
Jenny
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
It's killing me
Jenny
thats where the car comes in but its between a need and a want. worst of all, the financial problem is in there right behind the rest of them. i've shortened it to a few makes depending on preowned or brand new. fucked up. its causing me a hell lot of problems right about now.
we'll just see how it goes. i am uncertain about the future. it really seems very weird now. is it that God is testing me over and over again? i really wonder. He seems to be throwing me more problems than not. i really wonder if i can take it. lots of people tell me, God will never test you beyond your limit. funny shit is, i feel that God is testing me beyond my limit right about now. i feel so pressured all over the place, wondering if the next step that i take would be my last.
i got no place to turn to. no one to turn to. no where to run and just let loose for a while. back 4 months ago, i had such exit points, places to go, people to see to let loose and talk to me. right now, i feel so alone. well, life always takes a turn wherever it goes. i'll just let it be for now. i'll let life crack me up as much as it can and i'll just sit in tight and hang for the ride. i dont know how long i'll last, but i'll try... i'll try...
its just so amazing that all it took was 4 months to cascade down to this. im really amazed. it has changed my perception on life so much. so much that i hardly recognise my personality. i've become more pessimistic in my outlook, hardly even expecting much of life now. i just live day by day, as though each day was my last. i dont really do much of anything but go about my life without much thought. im stoned from inside out. i hardened myself that i feel little.
is this how i want to live life? i dont know. happiness comes and goes. sadness comes and goes too. i dont care really. i really dont. what is it that i seek in life? love? life? riches? fame? power? i dont care about all those anymore. i feel that i am done in life. i have no more goals, no more places to turn and explore. life becomes meaningless. its not just because of a person that life turns meaningless, its because of how i changed myself to deal with that situation that i turned out this way. im not who i am anymore. of course, i still hold by my values of being faithful etc etc. but how long am i going to last like this? haha... somehow, something just churns within me to just live life so. not that i got something to prove anymore. not that i have to fight for someone anymore. i dont have to do such things already. hardly. indeed. but knowing my reponse, i will continue to do so. i just believe that now, i have nothing else to lose.
what else can i possibly lose? my life? i feel that there is no more meaning in life. my ability to walk? i literally drag myself around everyday letting everything pile up upon me. problems which are not mine, i shoulder still and carry on helping and caring. its getting tiring and exhausting, but im not stopping. the only time that i feel that i would stop, would be when i close my eyes for the very last time. at my given rate, it shouldnt take all too long. someday..... i'll be happy.....
i know that i have always told people, 'the life is yours. its your book to write. write it how you want it to be. if you want to be a scholar, write it just so. if you want to be a criminal, then write it as well. because the book is yours. no one can write it for you. only you, can write it for yourself. and at the end of the day, you will look back and read this book, for it is your life, your accomplishments and your failures throughout your life.' that is still what i believe in. but now, i believe that my pen has just malfunctioned. maybe, it isnt the pen, but the writer. the writer has either contracted writer's block, or even better yet, refused to continue writing out the novel. its not anything special, but its just that the writer has given up on the masterpiece. and rightly so, the author has truly given it up. willingly. and most surprisingly above all, without remorse. for the book has been burned away 4 months ago.
i've been running and running. i dont know how far i can run further. it just makes me sick that i cant do something about it. or is it just because that i am unwilling to do something about it? i dont even know myself as a person. im not perfect, i never was. but is it just so, that i cant do a simple thing about my life, getting it back on track? i believe that its just that i have always depended on someone else instead. and someone else provided me the strength to move on. i guess that it was always someone else supporting me, holding me up even when i fell down. being perfect isnt what im after, its being what others has been to me. its being there for them when they need me to be. but i dont last forever.
it has been 2 days already. im in a depressed state of mind even though i try, failingly, to act normal. i needed someone there to just tell me that its ok... that being down and out and useless, unable to help others, is just part of human nature. truth be told, i dont even know what it is im running from. its definitely not myself im running away from. its more that something is troubling me and past emotions stuck deep within me, embedded by my own self, and its resurfacing and i dont know how to deal with it. im breaking down from inside. tears want to flow, but i dont know why. its just so depressing...
i can do away with everything materialistic. having money doesnt mean shit to me. people can pay for me for all i care. but i still pay because i dont want others to be in a poorer state. i have been there before and it doesnt feel good. i dont want to pass that feeling on to others. its not because i have money to flaunt, but its just that feeling is very hard to live through. in a sense, i dont want others to get into the same shit as i did.
my life is just so fucked up. i dont blame anyone. i just blame myself for fucking up so badly. i dont know where i went wrong. im trying my best to backtrack, seeking help along the way. well, sometimes, you have to go alone and try. i dont have to do everything, neither do i believe that i have the capability to do everything. im human, im not able to do every single thing that exists... i just fear for the future now. i dont know what will happen. let the future decide... the empty feeling inside me, the abyss that opens up before me, its just throwing me further and further in. i really am feeling useless...
The Click Five - Jenny
She calls me baby
then she wont call me
says she adores me
and then ignores me
(Jenny, What's the problem?)
She keeps her distance
and sits on fences
puts up resistance
and builds defenses
(Jenny, Whats the problem?)
You keep me hanging on the line
everytime you change your mind
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
She needs her own space
she's playing mind games
ends up at my place
saying that she's changed
(Jenny, what's the problem?)
I'm trying to read between the lines
you got me going out of my mind
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
Jenny
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
It's killing me
Jenny
I messed this area @
21:55
21:55