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Joce-lyn
All I yearn, is for the love of someone, coupled with the love from my sibling and parents. And to me, true love is when one sees an imperfect person perfectly. Which is what I see in you. The degree of the love that I have for you, I will learn from my past mistakes and make myself better for you. Just you. Then again, maybe I'm never the one. I'm not perfect, nor am I good in any sense.
Actions never coincide with words, and thoughts never coincide with either. That is, if you ever get past the first sentence.
work today was horrible. shit. i cant believe it turned out ugly early in the morning already. so much paper passed through my hands, im more worried about a papercut than my pre-existing condition. damn hell. i really wonder, should it come to me working in an office enviroment, how long i would last in the job. i think, after 1 year, i guess i would be ready to call it quits again and tender my resignation effective immediately, if possible.
thanks to a couple few, i managed to get through the day intact. otherwise, i think i would really have just packed up and gone off for the day. and to hell what others think and say. i really need peace at work and in my life. otherwise, i may just conk out.
well, another day has passed, another day beckons. i sure hope tomorrow would be better. but looking at the current situation, i doubt it would get any better. maybe when i leave, it would get better... maybe... maybe... maybe............
thanks to a couple few, i managed to get through the day intact. otherwise, i think i would really have just packed up and gone off for the day. and to hell what others think and say. i really need peace at work and in my life. otherwise, i may just conk out.
well, another day has passed, another day beckons. i sure hope tomorrow would be better. but looking at the current situation, i doubt it would get any better. maybe when i leave, it would get better... maybe... maybe... maybe............
I messed this area @
21:25
21:25
kick my ass, kick me when im down, whatever.
im getting out of this hellhole, going to Canada. my finances are shaky now, i hope they will be better in future. figure that i need SGD$150k to get kickstarted there. i dont know how the hell im going to raise that, but i sure as hell am going to try.
money talks in the world. nothing else matters. im going there to get some, and to gain the experience that little in the world has. im seeking for interesting and innovative ideas, to do things that few would consider, let alone think of.
i fucking hate office politics. stop 'asking' me to play the game. if i dont like you, i will personally tell and show you that i dont like you. if i like you, i will tell you so. im straightforward and not afraid. me keeping quiet doesnt mean that i dont know what the hell is going on. dont dig into me for information, dont even bother trying. i know what most of you are up to. im partial in my thinking and fair in my judgement. and i try to treat everyone equally.
im getting out of this hellhole, going to Canada. my finances are shaky now, i hope they will be better in future. figure that i need SGD$150k to get kickstarted there. i dont know how the hell im going to raise that, but i sure as hell am going to try.
money talks in the world. nothing else matters. im going there to get some, and to gain the experience that little in the world has. im seeking for interesting and innovative ideas, to do things that few would consider, let alone think of.
i fucking hate office politics. stop 'asking' me to play the game. if i dont like you, i will personally tell and show you that i dont like you. if i like you, i will tell you so. im straightforward and not afraid. me keeping quiet doesnt mean that i dont know what the hell is going on. dont dig into me for information, dont even bother trying. i know what most of you are up to. im partial in my thinking and fair in my judgement. and i try to treat everyone equally.
I messed this area @
20:50
20:50
I'm a heading over to Canada! Aint no turn back point past yonder, moving to the beat of the truck.
i cant stand no office life, and i believe this is what i really want to do. my dream, my life, my future.
oh, and some auntie checked my palm. said i aint got no life line. lol. well, whos to say i got no life line when im gonna drive a multi ton truck over inches of ice? guess i got a date to meet up with death. even if i dont go, i guess that i will still kick the bucket here somehow.
matter of time.
its just a matter of time.
i cant stand no office life, and i believe this is what i really want to do. my dream, my life, my future.
oh, and some auntie checked my palm. said i aint got no life line. lol. well, whos to say i got no life line when im gonna drive a multi ton truck over inches of ice? guess i got a date to meet up with death. even if i dont go, i guess that i will still kick the bucket here somehow.
matter of time.
its just a matter of time.
I messed this area @
23:58
23:58
i really dont feel good today. must be a multitude of things that i stacked up on and it all came falling down. actually intended to head to Expo today, but then, felt so bad then when i stood up, the whole world spun around on 3 different axis.
its a brand new experience. well, hey, someplace somehow, someone's gotta die. beats me if its my time already. i cough and retch real bad. but hey, im sick, so sue me. got another checkup scheduled soon. wonder if i should go and waste more money. haha...
i never was one to take good care of myself anyway. always doing something silly instead. well, from what the doc says, im getting better slowly. hey, its some good news, but i seriously wonder if it would be chucked out the window by the end of next week. busy busy...
its a brand new experience. well, hey, someplace somehow, someone's gotta die. beats me if its my time already. i cough and retch real bad. but hey, im sick, so sue me. got another checkup scheduled soon. wonder if i should go and waste more money. haha...
i never was one to take good care of myself anyway. always doing something silly instead. well, from what the doc says, im getting better slowly. hey, its some good news, but i seriously wonder if it would be chucked out the window by the end of next week. busy busy...
I messed this area @
19:45
19:45
im contacting tli cho landtran for advice on driving the winter roads. hope that they can liase with me to work something out so that i can work for them year round, sponsoring me a work permit there in Canada while i get a Class 1 license.
im well prepared to leave Singapore to fufill my dream. it seems like im running away, but what im running away from, i still have not figured it out. but this is the path i've chosen. i've scouted for 2nd hand trucks, such as volvo and freightliner.
they cost almost the same when 2nd hand, each with a 10 speed transmission. pretty ok, mileage around the 500k figure. have yet to see the interior pictures to make a decision. im thinking whether to buy a first or second hand truck still... it cost big bucks...
People are made of good and bad, and this balance is what makes everyone special. i guess i've been let down more than not. thats why im seeking solitude. i feel sad, but no tears come. i feel many emotions, but i bury them time and again with work, piling more and more. i really wonder how long this is going to last. or even, how long i am going to last. its like a disease, eating me from the inside. only difference is, there aint no medication for this. only i can push this out of myself. but i guess, memories stay yes? they are rooted deep within me.
i always try to break barriers between people, bring them together and see them happy together. even now, im still doing it. and it makes me happy. but hell, i cant even get my own life in order. its amazing that i can turn out like this. real amazing.
and i found out that i MIGHT not be able to get the cascadia im yearning for. seems like it operates on a hydraulic clutch. shit. the hydraulics dont matter on normal days, but in NWT where the windchill factor falls below -50F during the Ice Road season, my clutch is gonna freeze up in one real quick hurry. might have to go with a Volvo 670 like most people, or a 780 since i like my creature comforts. or, a freightliner columbia, that has no airbag like the cascadia but a 10 speed trans and pretty much looks ok, slightly smaller than a cascadia though...
im well prepared to leave Singapore to fufill my dream. it seems like im running away, but what im running away from, i still have not figured it out. but this is the path i've chosen. i've scouted for 2nd hand trucks, such as volvo and freightliner.
they cost almost the same when 2nd hand, each with a 10 speed transmission. pretty ok, mileage around the 500k figure. have yet to see the interior pictures to make a decision. im thinking whether to buy a first or second hand truck still... it cost big bucks...
People are made of good and bad, and this balance is what makes everyone special. i guess i've been let down more than not. thats why im seeking solitude. i feel sad, but no tears come. i feel many emotions, but i bury them time and again with work, piling more and more. i really wonder how long this is going to last. or even, how long i am going to last. its like a disease, eating me from the inside. only difference is, there aint no medication for this. only i can push this out of myself. but i guess, memories stay yes? they are rooted deep within me.
i always try to break barriers between people, bring them together and see them happy together. even now, im still doing it. and it makes me happy. but hell, i cant even get my own life in order. its amazing that i can turn out like this. real amazing.
and i found out that i MIGHT not be able to get the cascadia im yearning for. seems like it operates on a hydraulic clutch. shit. the hydraulics dont matter on normal days, but in NWT where the windchill factor falls below -50F during the Ice Road season, my clutch is gonna freeze up in one real quick hurry. might have to go with a Volvo 670 like most people, or a 780 since i like my creature comforts. or, a freightliner columbia, that has no airbag like the cascadia but a 10 speed trans and pretty much looks ok, slightly smaller than a cascadia though...
I messed this area @
02:15
02:15
i found out that i dont have pet peeves. i have major psychotic fucking hatreds. it makes the world a much simpler place to live in...
I messed this area @
22:19
22:19
i couldnt sleep last night. most probably was too pissed off and still fuming real bad. went out to the highway to watch racing when i got the heads up... funny thing is, racing is in my blood when i want to do ice road trucking. might get people killed on the ice road with my speeding i guess. or maybe even myself. no one can predict the future, so i'll just wait and see...
met up with some old friends, and was invited to have a friendly with them, using one of their cars. well, it did bring back old memories, but my skill wasnt as good as theirs. the memories i would not give up the world for. these friends showed me the meaning of driving. while my closest driving friend is overseas, these remain here with the Civics, Integras, Skylines, RXs and Evos. im glad to have them, and we have always helped each other out in times of need. its a little hobby that draws us together and keeps us together.
well, maybe they have an event tonight. maybe mount faber again. we'll see. i think i would like to join in and maybe after MF, we'll go yonder to LCK to gun the accelerator down. supper after that... seems like my plan for the night is more or less in shape.
met up with some old friends, and was invited to have a friendly with them, using one of their cars. well, it did bring back old memories, but my skill wasnt as good as theirs. the memories i would not give up the world for. these friends showed me the meaning of driving. while my closest driving friend is overseas, these remain here with the Civics, Integras, Skylines, RXs and Evos. im glad to have them, and we have always helped each other out in times of need. its a little hobby that draws us together and keeps us together.
well, maybe they have an event tonight. maybe mount faber again. we'll see. i think i would like to join in and maybe after MF, we'll go yonder to LCK to gun the accelerator down. supper after that... seems like my plan for the night is more or less in shape.
I messed this area @
15:49
15:49
what the fuck is your database for when it has very little relationships between the tables? you got so many fucking tables, and not all is linked properly together. and when you want to retrieve a certain portion of data, you have to extract from many queries, then combine into one major fucking query, then extract the data and export it to another fucking table! what the fuck is the use of it? i have to ask another person to come in, whom i trust, to fucking explain it all to me! and best thing is, she cant explain it all since the fucking thing is so fragmented! all she can show me is some details! i dont blame her, i blame you for fragmenting the tables and data and now i cant retrieve the proper data and have to slowly extract the proper ones from the masterlist itself.
fuck you. you wasted my day, my time, and my effort. and you are inevitably going to waste more of it, at the expense of me! fuck you understand! im not there so that you can throw some fucking substandard work at me to figure out and solve when my real position is to just get the fucking data and move with it! you stall me with nonsensical bullcrap and expect me to fix it for you??? then what the fuck are you employed for???
im damned pissed off with you, having to sort through your bullshit and then, realise that most, if not all, of my fucking work is a waste of effort! true that you can program SQL very well, i dont give half a shit. but with no relationships between the data, you cant fucking query without producing many duplicates! to hell with you. im sick and im tired of this motherfucking shit. and if there are errors, who do they blame? fucking hell me!
stick with MS Excel if you cant use MS Access properly. now, im hoping that on monday, which i cant go to work on the weekend due to boss to solve your shit, i can rush the entire data out WITHOUT errors. if there is 2 errors, im fucking going to your cubicle and slamming you against the wall. i dont give half a shit about you already. you can really make me that pissed off. given what i heard, the max of 4 hours to take me to lunchtime should solve this. thank your fucking lucky stars that i am free on monday. just thank them, for now.
im serious about my work. but it seems like you arent. buck up or die, understand? you continue to feed me shit, im going to pound you into the ground and make you pay for every single thing. hardcopies dont mean shit when i dont even know how the fucking hell you can get the data. your tables are so fragmented and linkless that its a wonder you can scrape up the fucking data without an error, or so you say. we'll see on monday whether the figures tally.
i seriously need a drink. and i need to continue to rant about this to someone. May's gone off for steamboat, she hates your guts, and thanks to her, i hope i can pull off this feat with her showing me how to. and i fully understand why now. each department wants your guts out and you out of there. i hope that what she has shown me today is sufficient to pull out the important data. SE and UNT will have to wait for May to explain further as she tries to figure out YOUR FUCKING USELESS DAMNING SHITHOLE RUBBISH DATABASE!!! thanks to you, you worthless asshole, we are fucking working overtime and getting more and more disgruntled at you while you run off at the ding of 6pm. to hell with you. should May call later, i dont care where the fuck i am, im fucking going down to meet her and throw back a couple of drinks and bitch about you like nobody's fucking business. im thankful i have her around to try and explain whatever shit comes out of your terminal.
i just know that i need booze and a friend around RIGHT THE FUCK GODDAMN NOW. to hell with the database, and to hell with you. go and fucking burn in hell while i worry about the reliability of your fucking database result queries...
fuck you. you wasted my day, my time, and my effort. and you are inevitably going to waste more of it, at the expense of me! fuck you understand! im not there so that you can throw some fucking substandard work at me to figure out and solve when my real position is to just get the fucking data and move with it! you stall me with nonsensical bullcrap and expect me to fix it for you??? then what the fuck are you employed for???
im damned pissed off with you, having to sort through your bullshit and then, realise that most, if not all, of my fucking work is a waste of effort! true that you can program SQL very well, i dont give half a shit. but with no relationships between the data, you cant fucking query without producing many duplicates! to hell with you. im sick and im tired of this motherfucking shit. and if there are errors, who do they blame? fucking hell me!
stick with MS Excel if you cant use MS Access properly. now, im hoping that on monday, which i cant go to work on the weekend due to boss to solve your shit, i can rush the entire data out WITHOUT errors. if there is 2 errors, im fucking going to your cubicle and slamming you against the wall. i dont give half a shit about you already. you can really make me that pissed off. given what i heard, the max of 4 hours to take me to lunchtime should solve this. thank your fucking lucky stars that i am free on monday. just thank them, for now.
im serious about my work. but it seems like you arent. buck up or die, understand? you continue to feed me shit, im going to pound you into the ground and make you pay for every single thing. hardcopies dont mean shit when i dont even know how the fucking hell you can get the data. your tables are so fragmented and linkless that its a wonder you can scrape up the fucking data without an error, or so you say. we'll see on monday whether the figures tally.
i seriously need a drink. and i need to continue to rant about this to someone. May's gone off for steamboat, she hates your guts, and thanks to her, i hope i can pull off this feat with her showing me how to. and i fully understand why now. each department wants your guts out and you out of there. i hope that what she has shown me today is sufficient to pull out the important data. SE and UNT will have to wait for May to explain further as she tries to figure out YOUR FUCKING USELESS DAMNING SHITHOLE RUBBISH DATABASE!!! thanks to you, you worthless asshole, we are fucking working overtime and getting more and more disgruntled at you while you run off at the ding of 6pm. to hell with you. should May call later, i dont care where the fuck i am, im fucking going down to meet her and throw back a couple of drinks and bitch about you like nobody's fucking business. im thankful i have her around to try and explain whatever shit comes out of your terminal.
i just know that i need booze and a friend around RIGHT THE FUCK GODDAMN NOW. to hell with the database, and to hell with you. go and fucking burn in hell while i worry about the reliability of your fucking database result queries...
I messed this area @
20:30
20:30
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
i came in touch today with a woman who knew her husband was cheating on her. in a short sense, i told her simply, tough it out. not for the situation, as it seems hopeless in my eyes, but for the sake of the child. the kid is only 8 years of age. to put him through what i went through when i was younger, thats not me. sure, by all means, marry. but by no means, divorce. it puts a lot of people at harm and unrest.
i could only give her the advice as i see it from the child. if he understands, he will be fine. if he doesnt, he is going to be in deep shit. keep the marraige for the kid. dont break up the marraige and then think about what to do with the kid. thats irresponsible.
to hell with it. i cant even help myself here. why the hell am i helping others solve their problems when i cant solve mine? its ridiculous. amazingly crazy. maybe im never meant to help myself, but rather, my time left is to help the rest get through their problems. i hope she will work things out and God will bless her with a better future. people err to learn from mistakes, as she will. everyone deserves a second chance.
Socrates
i came in touch today with a woman who knew her husband was cheating on her. in a short sense, i told her simply, tough it out. not for the situation, as it seems hopeless in my eyes, but for the sake of the child. the kid is only 8 years of age. to put him through what i went through when i was younger, thats not me. sure, by all means, marry. but by no means, divorce. it puts a lot of people at harm and unrest.
i could only give her the advice as i see it from the child. if he understands, he will be fine. if he doesnt, he is going to be in deep shit. keep the marraige for the kid. dont break up the marraige and then think about what to do with the kid. thats irresponsible.
to hell with it. i cant even help myself here. why the hell am i helping others solve their problems when i cant solve mine? its ridiculous. amazingly crazy. maybe im never meant to help myself, but rather, my time left is to help the rest get through their problems. i hope she will work things out and God will bless her with a better future. people err to learn from mistakes, as she will. everyone deserves a second chance.
I messed this area @
01:58
01:58
im feeling like crap now... my sides ache, and they ache badly. most probably from my consistent coughing and retching. theres a 'small' amount of blood, but nothing too 'serious'. papercuts dont clot, they continue bleeding for another hour or so. my lips crack occasionally and bleed too, and they dont stop. i wonder if im really knocking off, entirely. well, a life come and gone, dont really matter. i dont know how long i can keep it hidden, but i'll try. this is the only spot i can run to. people around me sense something already... wonder when they will catch on. during the checkup, the doctor was worried that the current way im going, smoking and stressed out and all, i might suffer from multiple internal infections, whatever the hell that is. im not too worried was my reply. whatever happens, happens. but i did say that im cutting down on the ciggs, or at least im making an effort to.
well, at least from what the doctor told me, im making progress if somewhat slow. exact words were, pity i dont really know how to follow doctor's orders and keep it light on the work. i just can only say that i wish i knew how to. but i dont. yes, i know i can make faster progress if i take the medication regularly, but sometimes, im so strapped for time that i just forget. i dont even have the time to eat lunch sometimes.
i just dont know how long my system can take this abuse. my mind is in a complete mess, only knowing how to think and worry about work, wondering what has to be completed the next day and such. im just so tied down. i cant bear to just drop everything and go off for the day to relax. its just not me at all. boss has talked to me, he knows... he tells me to take the time off. nothing is worth a life was his point. true, but when it comes down to it, im getting better slowly right? so, i can still work. he isnt letting up on the idea anyway. he seriously wants me to take a week off, even having me paid for doing nothing. shit.
thats no way to do things. i tell him to strike a compromise with me... i dont believe in getting paid to do nothing. he made me agree to hold off the punishing hours. meaning, when he leaves, i leave together with him. damn... usually, he leaves around 7 odd 8 odd... well, at least i can still squeeze in some time here and there. and the killer from boss was, NO NETWORKING OF WORK TO HOME. damn hell, he knows me too well. essentially meaning work stays at work, and i stay at home resting after work. argh... and if that isnt bad enough, to kill all workaholics around the world, no going back to work on weekends. take a break. code of honour, none to be broken. i think i'll try to bargain for saturday to be open to me... doubt it will go through anyway. boss knows the full story, and he is the only one that knows how bad it is. im not telling others. no point. figure if i kick the bucket, they'll see it in the obituaries.
damn, this is going to be hard on me. i know it is going to be hard. i cant stand having my hands empty of work since that is what i have been living off for so long. shit. well, work beckons tomorrow.
well, at least from what the doctor told me, im making progress if somewhat slow. exact words were, pity i dont really know how to follow doctor's orders and keep it light on the work. i just can only say that i wish i knew how to. but i dont. yes, i know i can make faster progress if i take the medication regularly, but sometimes, im so strapped for time that i just forget. i dont even have the time to eat lunch sometimes.
i just dont know how long my system can take this abuse. my mind is in a complete mess, only knowing how to think and worry about work, wondering what has to be completed the next day and such. im just so tied down. i cant bear to just drop everything and go off for the day to relax. its just not me at all. boss has talked to me, he knows... he tells me to take the time off. nothing is worth a life was his point. true, but when it comes down to it, im getting better slowly right? so, i can still work. he isnt letting up on the idea anyway. he seriously wants me to take a week off, even having me paid for doing nothing. shit.
thats no way to do things. i tell him to strike a compromise with me... i dont believe in getting paid to do nothing. he made me agree to hold off the punishing hours. meaning, when he leaves, i leave together with him. damn... usually, he leaves around 7 odd 8 odd... well, at least i can still squeeze in some time here and there. and the killer from boss was, NO NETWORKING OF WORK TO HOME. damn hell, he knows me too well. essentially meaning work stays at work, and i stay at home resting after work. argh... and if that isnt bad enough, to kill all workaholics around the world, no going back to work on weekends. take a break. code of honour, none to be broken. i think i'll try to bargain for saturday to be open to me... doubt it will go through anyway. boss knows the full story, and he is the only one that knows how bad it is. im not telling others. no point. figure if i kick the bucket, they'll see it in the obituaries.
damn, this is going to be hard on me. i know it is going to be hard. i cant stand having my hands empty of work since that is what i have been living off for so long. shit. well, work beckons tomorrow.
I messed this area @
23:18
23:18
diplomatic bullshit rears its ugly head. im sick and im tired of being diplomatic. its so goddamned hard, and it does not get the full point across. being diplomatic causes people to try and manuveur for room to stall or to buy time.
to hell with it. i just compiled and collated my notes, conferred with boss, and he delicately put it down that i could go that way, meaning i can but shouldnt, but reprecussions might result if no proper backing is done. well, cant say i blame him. he has too much on his mind. everyone knows that there is a problem. but no one will point it out. its like as if there is a bigass pink elephant sitting in the middle of the living room but no one says a single word about it.
the point im trying to drive across is not that i should not remain undiplomatic but when the time needs be, please pull off that diplomatic veneer and hear things clear so that information can be disseminated quickly and easily. to tell the truth, there is no such thing as a perfect time. it doesnt exist. its just an illusion created by the human race to give us a sense of comfort when we have something to say but not the guts to do so.
i cannot hold back and let this go on. i need to do something. if the sandbag falls on my head, then so be it. in simple terms, i will back up my boss if the idea is good, and i will stop my boss beforehand if the idea is dumpster material. right now, i believe the idea is one of the best so far, honed together by me and him. not just because i had a hand in nurturing the idea into a fully formulated plan means that i want to claim credit by pushing it out as soon as possible. its a good plan because that will save time and effort in most places while cutting costs which is why i intend to run with it. boss can have all my credit for all i care. i care only about seeing that the work i give out is good, and produces results.
this cannot be held back anymore. i gotta learn to stop having my boss backing me up too. i cant always rely on him... though sometimes i need him there to make a better judgement call. he is there to support me when i need him to be, but he cannot fix everything that went wrong in the system. i guess i have to try and stand up to the diplomatic shithead winds around the corner. in the end, when its all good and done, i will have to stand up to this on my own one day. and boss cant always be there for me. but he will still provide me the moral support and guidance that i will forever be grateful for.
to hell with it. i just compiled and collated my notes, conferred with boss, and he delicately put it down that i could go that way, meaning i can but shouldnt, but reprecussions might result if no proper backing is done. well, cant say i blame him. he has too much on his mind. everyone knows that there is a problem. but no one will point it out. its like as if there is a bigass pink elephant sitting in the middle of the living room but no one says a single word about it.
the point im trying to drive across is not that i should not remain undiplomatic but when the time needs be, please pull off that diplomatic veneer and hear things clear so that information can be disseminated quickly and easily. to tell the truth, there is no such thing as a perfect time. it doesnt exist. its just an illusion created by the human race to give us a sense of comfort when we have something to say but not the guts to do so.
i cannot hold back and let this go on. i need to do something. if the sandbag falls on my head, then so be it. in simple terms, i will back up my boss if the idea is good, and i will stop my boss beforehand if the idea is dumpster material. right now, i believe the idea is one of the best so far, honed together by me and him. not just because i had a hand in nurturing the idea into a fully formulated plan means that i want to claim credit by pushing it out as soon as possible. its a good plan because that will save time and effort in most places while cutting costs which is why i intend to run with it. boss can have all my credit for all i care. i care only about seeing that the work i give out is good, and produces results.
this cannot be held back anymore. i gotta learn to stop having my boss backing me up too. i cant always rely on him... though sometimes i need him there to make a better judgement call. he is there to support me when i need him to be, but he cannot fix everything that went wrong in the system. i guess i have to try and stand up to the diplomatic shithead winds around the corner. in the end, when its all good and done, i will have to stand up to this on my own one day. and boss cant always be there for me. but he will still provide me the moral support and guidance that i will forever be grateful for.
I messed this area @
07:39
07:39
holieee fuck. im fucking depressed now y'all... my work aint done shit, and i aint done nuts. i brought back my work home to think that i can work a tad more before crashing. oh fuck that. im way through. i cant concentrate dick shit now.
i think i better change my job scope to be just thinking up goofy shit to amuse meself. y'know, better to amuse myself before heading right into the durned up army ground pounder shithole a bumboat ride away from ciggypore. fuck that and suck that.
my brains are wired together so thick now, that even a chainsaw aint gonna saw through that shit. maybe i'll go eat some cabbage, cheese and drown it all with beer. seems like a healthy dinner diet, no? damn, lemme go crash first. lucky for me, drinks are off the shelves for now.
i think i better change my job scope to be just thinking up goofy shit to amuse meself. y'know, better to amuse myself before heading right into the durned up army ground pounder shithole a bumboat ride away from ciggypore. fuck that and suck that.
my brains are wired together so thick now, that even a chainsaw aint gonna saw through that shit. maybe i'll go eat some cabbage, cheese and drown it all with beer. seems like a healthy dinner diet, no? damn, lemme go crash first. lucky for me, drinks are off the shelves for now.
I messed this area @
03:15
03:15
i really have clueless tits working under me. shit. errors are made all over the place, extensions are given further extensions and worst of all, their only skill is left in kissing ass and sucking dicks! goddamn it.
fuck. im really sick of work. and work is making me sick. shit. im about to blow an artery and a vein to boot. thanks to them, whatever progress i made earlier in the week kicked back 3 notches. im sacrificing my weekends, holidays, and health. is it hard to give a nice piece of work?
it doesnt matter. whichever way it goes, im still heading down aint it? everyone is, technically speaking. its just how you go down and when. bloody fucking hell. i cant give a shit anymore today. im shutting my com down and heading home. or maybe to a bar. whichever.
fuck. im really sick of work. and work is making me sick. shit. im about to blow an artery and a vein to boot. thanks to them, whatever progress i made earlier in the week kicked back 3 notches. im sacrificing my weekends, holidays, and health. is it hard to give a nice piece of work?
it doesnt matter. whichever way it goes, im still heading down aint it? everyone is, technically speaking. its just how you go down and when. bloody fucking hell. i cant give a shit anymore today. im shutting my com down and heading home. or maybe to a bar. whichever.
I messed this area @
20:08
20:08
most corporations use SAPS for database storage and maintenance. likewise, i also am a SAPS user. it collates and compiles my data into a pretty neat report so that it churns out when i want it.
but cant the fuckers at SAPS just tell themselves to sell the comprehensive version only?
fuck. my data, cannot be ported over to MSA nor any other application due to the damning fact that SAPS gives buyers a choice in CHOOSING what to install. dumb fucks.
even ITS had a budget to keep when purchasing software. look. data is vitally important to run a company. with no proper datakeeping software, your data is shit. spend the fucking money to get the comprehensive version so that it makes things easier in all departments all right?
bloody hell. most probably, i am going to have to create a program on my own, link it up with SAPS and then transfer my data to MSA. at this current rate that i am slowly linking my data, its gonna take me 20 years to get it done. to hell with copyright laws.
for those who dont have a clue, SAPS offers the basic and the comprehensive version. and they have the basic, plus you add in what you need and take out what you dont need version. comprehensive includes every damn thing. basic gives you shit to work with. thanks to ITS and the suborning budgeting given from up high, wherever the hell it is, im suffering now with a copy of SAPS that does not work as well as it should.
dont get me wrong. SAPS is great. its just that they dont know how to mandate the entire thing that you, as the user, can only buy the comprehensive version. IT departments will always think of what is the bare minimum and grab at it without thinking for the rest of the departments. the bloody problem is that the other departments need those that IT doesnt! and thanks to IT, the other departments suffer like i do. and we end up blaming SAPS. SAPS has its part to play, so does ITS and the all important budget. rubbish.
THERE IS NO ABSOLUTE COMPROMISE ON MONEY FOR THE EFFICACY OF THE DATA STORED! DATA IS CRITICALLY IMPORTANT TO RUN A CORPORATION LEAN AND EFFICIENT. YOU MINIMALISE DATA STORAGE COSTS = INCREASE OVERALL TIME/COSTS. UNDERFUCKINGSTAND!
jesus. those jackasses need a beating from some people. and the people at SAPS are going away, knowing one fucking fine day, we are going to go back to them looking for the extensions missed out, and they are gonna fucking give it to us in a nice goddamned package costing half of what we already paid out for the base system, when the comprehensive package only cost 3/4 of the evantual TOTAL bill! money grabbing shrews.
just get the fucking complete package in the first place. you are never going to know when you will need it. and that, makes things better. safer than sorry, especially in the long run. if you think that you are not going to need it, especially when dealing with SAPS, think again.
but cant the fuckers at SAPS just tell themselves to sell the comprehensive version only?
fuck. my data, cannot be ported over to MSA nor any other application due to the damning fact that SAPS gives buyers a choice in CHOOSING what to install. dumb fucks.
even ITS had a budget to keep when purchasing software. look. data is vitally important to run a company. with no proper datakeeping software, your data is shit. spend the fucking money to get the comprehensive version so that it makes things easier in all departments all right?
bloody hell. most probably, i am going to have to create a program on my own, link it up with SAPS and then transfer my data to MSA. at this current rate that i am slowly linking my data, its gonna take me 20 years to get it done. to hell with copyright laws.
for those who dont have a clue, SAPS offers the basic and the comprehensive version. and they have the basic, plus you add in what you need and take out what you dont need version. comprehensive includes every damn thing. basic gives you shit to work with. thanks to ITS and the suborning budgeting given from up high, wherever the hell it is, im suffering now with a copy of SAPS that does not work as well as it should.
dont get me wrong. SAPS is great. its just that they dont know how to mandate the entire thing that you, as the user, can only buy the comprehensive version. IT departments will always think of what is the bare minimum and grab at it without thinking for the rest of the departments. the bloody problem is that the other departments need those that IT doesnt! and thanks to IT, the other departments suffer like i do. and we end up blaming SAPS. SAPS has its part to play, so does ITS and the all important budget. rubbish.
THERE IS NO ABSOLUTE COMPROMISE ON MONEY FOR THE EFFICACY OF THE DATA STORED! DATA IS CRITICALLY IMPORTANT TO RUN A CORPORATION LEAN AND EFFICIENT. YOU MINIMALISE DATA STORAGE COSTS = INCREASE OVERALL TIME/COSTS. UNDERFUCKINGSTAND!
jesus. those jackasses need a beating from some people. and the people at SAPS are going away, knowing one fucking fine day, we are going to go back to them looking for the extensions missed out, and they are gonna fucking give it to us in a nice goddamned package costing half of what we already paid out for the base system, when the comprehensive package only cost 3/4 of the evantual TOTAL bill! money grabbing shrews.
just get the fucking complete package in the first place. you are never going to know when you will need it. and that, makes things better. safer than sorry, especially in the long run. if you think that you are not going to need it, especially when dealing with SAPS, think again.
I messed this area @
23:11
23:11
im somewhere in between. condition isnt getting better, neither is it getting worse. shit. i feel like shit.
but at least im happy. haha... my work is still getting done, its getting out of my desk. got a whole shitload of work to do. and last week's work is still on the backlog. everything screwed up bad this week. records missing, record errors, many many among the most.
damn. i wish i can just put it all down and walk away. but hey, i know myself enough. i cant walk away. not just like that. i just cant. its not within me to do so, but it seems to be within all my suborndinates. sometimes i just ask myself why i work so fucking goddamned hard.
then i think. i work for myself. for my own satisfaction. hey, it works out. i like it this way. maybe im my own best friend. dammnit. boss, ever busy, still finds time to sit and talk with me. he talks, i listen. i understand. hes a good guy. pity he gets stepped over too.
good guys always finish last? nah. good guys never even make it to the damned finish line. they die long before they can even get there by others stampeding over them. he feels the same way, but no one can blame him. hes been at it more years than i have ever been.
but at least im happy. haha... my work is still getting done, its getting out of my desk. got a whole shitload of work to do. and last week's work is still on the backlog. everything screwed up bad this week. records missing, record errors, many many among the most.
damn. i wish i can just put it all down and walk away. but hey, i know myself enough. i cant walk away. not just like that. i just cant. its not within me to do so, but it seems to be within all my suborndinates. sometimes i just ask myself why i work so fucking goddamned hard.
then i think. i work for myself. for my own satisfaction. hey, it works out. i like it this way. maybe im my own best friend. dammnit. boss, ever busy, still finds time to sit and talk with me. he talks, i listen. i understand. hes a good guy. pity he gets stepped over too.
good guys always finish last? nah. good guys never even make it to the damned finish line. they die long before they can even get there by others stampeding over them. he feels the same way, but no one can blame him. hes been at it more years than i have ever been.
I messed this area @
21:39
21:39
my chest hurts now. very badly. damn. i cant breath properly and im just taking shallow breaths. its hurts so damned bad that i can faint on the spot. its so painful like having a boa constrictor wrapped around my chest. think i'll rest at my desk first. work will come in 30 mins.
I messed this area @
07:59
07:59
i dont know how to exorcise the demons within me. they are consuming me. i need to get rid of them, but i just am lost.
well, life is such. work sucks. but i still give my all. thats who i am. at least im taking what i held off for a long time coming. 80% chance i'll make it. good odds. but im glad that sense kicked in within me. hopefully, God would not let me fall further.
with God's grace, i just pray for the best. He does what He does, and im content with the result. all i can just do, is hope. and hope i will. whatever comes, whatever may, i'll stand as best as i can and endure as long as i can. well, time will tell its tale.
well, life is such. work sucks. but i still give my all. thats who i am. at least im taking what i held off for a long time coming. 80% chance i'll make it. good odds. but im glad that sense kicked in within me. hopefully, God would not let me fall further.
with God's grace, i just pray for the best. He does what He does, and im content with the result. all i can just do, is hope. and hope i will. whatever comes, whatever may, i'll stand as best as i can and endure as long as i can. well, time will tell its tale.
I messed this area @
23:13
23:13
its getting harder and harder to wake up. i dont know. maybe its just me. maybe im just too tired. maybe its something else.
haha... well, got to work now. got to get ready for the MCC. fuck it. im gonna need more snooze time soon.
haha... well, got to work now. got to get ready for the MCC. fuck it. im gonna need more snooze time soon.
I messed this area @
07:52
07:52
what would you do if you found out that you have a set amount of time to live should you not take corrective action immediately?
i have literally no freaking idea. but i guess that is just me. should i take the corrective action and give up my work? i have no fucking idea. is my life less important than my work? yes. why yes? i really have no idea. haha...
all i wanted was you to understand and help me through this, to be by my side. you turned your cold shoulder. well... cant say i blame you for all the bad things that has happened. i deserve it. well now. time to get back to work. i have much to do and im in a rush to meet my deadline.
a personal one too, if i may add. im not demented. but i, however, am consistent in my work throughout. sickness may befall me, but i intend to push myself and make what i promise a reality. thats me. plain and simple. i did wrong, and now i understand better. thanks anyway.
i have literally no freaking idea. but i guess that is just me. should i take the corrective action and give up my work? i have no fucking idea. is my life less important than my work? yes. why yes? i really have no idea. haha...
all i wanted was you to understand and help me through this, to be by my side. you turned your cold shoulder. well... cant say i blame you for all the bad things that has happened. i deserve it. well now. time to get back to work. i have much to do and im in a rush to meet my deadline.
a personal one too, if i may add. im not demented. but i, however, am consistent in my work throughout. sickness may befall me, but i intend to push myself and make what i promise a reality. thats me. plain and simple. i did wrong, and now i understand better. thanks anyway.
I messed this area @
19:07
19:07
work sucks. big time. well, it cant get more shitty than this, i'll grant myself that much. lol...
i've been drinking more the past few days. not that im dependent on alcohol. but it does get me to sleep. and i dont drink cheap either. 150 AVGT/night. not every night of course. more like on nights where next work day is slack, like fridays, saturdays and eve of public holidays.
but im happy. not on just the alcohol part. but that i get to chill out with my friends, whom dont talk shop, but rather, talk life. thats what i need to unwind over a stressful day. and surprisingly, it works for me. you guys, thanks a million. i love you guys.
i've been drinking more the past few days. not that im dependent on alcohol. but it does get me to sleep. and i dont drink cheap either. 150 AVGT/night. not every night of course. more like on nights where next work day is slack, like fridays, saturdays and eve of public holidays.
but im happy. not on just the alcohol part. but that i get to chill out with my friends, whom dont talk shop, but rather, talk life. thats what i need to unwind over a stressful day. and surprisingly, it works for me. you guys, thanks a million. i love you guys.
I messed this area @
17:13
17:13
damn im being hit on the temple by the alcohol. well, not drunk enough to stop typing. lol... went to drink at the pubs near clarke quay. specifically, Highlander. damn they close fucking early. i like to sit still and simmer in my alcohol induced state for a coupla hours, but my friends gotta curfew to make. maybe next time. or business as usual, i go alone. lol... what else is new yeah? but drinking alone is kinda boring... quite saddening in fact... lol.
its national day eve, or national day now. whichever. i just know that i dont need to go to work in the morning, but i might. well, haha, direct contravention to boss's 'suggestion'. maybe i'll go, maybe i wont. there is still so much work left to be done.
anyway, at night, i just want to chill for a while. simple aint it? yeahhhhhhhhhh...
The All American Rejects - Move Along
Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold
Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along
So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold
Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
[x3]
(Move along)
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along
its national day eve, or national day now. whichever. i just know that i dont need to go to work in the morning, but i might. well, haha, direct contravention to boss's 'suggestion'. maybe i'll go, maybe i wont. there is still so much work left to be done.
anyway, at night, i just want to chill for a while. simple aint it? yeahhhhhhhhhh...
The All American Rejects - Move Along
Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold
Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along
So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold
Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
[x3]
(Move along)
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along
I messed this area @
03:05
03:05
am i that meandearing? do i really know what i want?
wow... i really dont know. but this i know now. yes, i want to move on. its not anything personal nor is it me having the mentality of an eye for an eye. just because you are irresponsible doesnt mean that i have to be too. to hell with it.
i may not know myself all that well, but this i know. yes, i want to fufill my dreams. there is no right or wrong choice. but there is a choice of a personal choosing. i choose to follow my dreams. you have brought me to my high and low points in life. you have troubled my mind enough to tell myself to forgo it. i love God. i love driving. i love travelling. i love things which i rather do alone. i shall distance myself away.
it is in this, i see. we can always talk till the cows come home. but you, with your irresponsible PERSON, have taught me much. jerk. forgiveness for HIM will not come. to hell with him. money cannot buy everything in this world. not me, especially. to hell with HIM thinking that i would compromise my morals just for the sake of money. this is not hate which im expressing. its disgust. and im throughly disgusted at the actions shown to me.
it puts a new light on me. and i think for myself instead. my personal choice is all that matters to me. its who i want to be, what i want to be. i am just so, no one special, just like every other person. i keep my options open and i see a brand new world. one full of opportunities and life. i live to my fullest, and i live the way i want to be. i respect my elders and im proud of it. in God i thank for Him teaching me the right way. making the choice is always easy, exercising the choice is the hard part. its a matter of willpower, and i know i have it within me to overcome and exercise that option of mine. do not do things for the sake of running away. it would make that job the most dumb in the world every to hold. do it because you want to. do it because you believe in it. then it would be the most fruitful thing to ever hold. but never, ever, do the things that provide you an option for running away. im not running away now. im out to set my life back in order and to make the best of it. yeeha!
wow... i really dont know. but this i know now. yes, i want to move on. its not anything personal nor is it me having the mentality of an eye for an eye. just because you are irresponsible doesnt mean that i have to be too. to hell with it.
i may not know myself all that well, but this i know. yes, i want to fufill my dreams. there is no right or wrong choice. but there is a choice of a personal choosing. i choose to follow my dreams. you have brought me to my high and low points in life. you have troubled my mind enough to tell myself to forgo it. i love God. i love driving. i love travelling. i love things which i rather do alone. i shall distance myself away.
it is in this, i see. we can always talk till the cows come home. but you, with your irresponsible PERSON, have taught me much. jerk. forgiveness for HIM will not come. to hell with him. money cannot buy everything in this world. not me, especially. to hell with HIM thinking that i would compromise my morals just for the sake of money. this is not hate which im expressing. its disgust. and im throughly disgusted at the actions shown to me.
it puts a new light on me. and i think for myself instead. my personal choice is all that matters to me. its who i want to be, what i want to be. i am just so, no one special, just like every other person. i keep my options open and i see a brand new world. one full of opportunities and life. i live to my fullest, and i live the way i want to be. i respect my elders and im proud of it. in God i thank for Him teaching me the right way. making the choice is always easy, exercising the choice is the hard part. its a matter of willpower, and i know i have it within me to overcome and exercise that option of mine. do not do things for the sake of running away. it would make that job the most dumb in the world every to hold. do it because you want to. do it because you believe in it. then it would be the most fruitful thing to ever hold. but never, ever, do the things that provide you an option for running away. im not running away now. im out to set my life back in order and to make the best of it. yeeha!
I messed this area @
20:45
20:45
thoughts were running through my mind at work today... major thoughts. after the meeting, i just sat at my desk and thought through all the things that went through my head the past month. and then i decided to go out for some, uhh, fresh air.
in fact, i thought, do i really know myself all that well? do i? or is it just another illusion? its weird when i think such things. i question myself on everything that i can remember having done in my life. am i so sure of myself that i can definitely say that i know myself inside out? i know that i am objective in my thoughts and actions. i know that i am a workaholic. i also know that i am the type to strive for perfection in what i do. i know the simple things about myself. but how about the methods which i deploy on working relationships with my colleagues? how about my ability to communicate EFFECTIVELY? am i able to capture the smaller things that really sway the tone of the entire story rather than just the bigger points? am i too obsessed with work till i neglect my family, friends and even my past relationships? what about the contingencies of the future other than those that i have planned for?
there are so many things that run through my mind. i can hear the thoughts, but i cannot comprehend the answers. it seems so weird that i can ask myself such questions. maybe a subtype of reverse psychology on myself. i have no idea. im simple. work comes first. work is most important. that is my purview. i like a neat and tidy piece of work. is that wrong even? is it not a pride to give others a finely done piece of work and be satisfied about it?
and one other thing. am i able to even communicate effectively to the ones i love and care for, that my work is something of pride to me thus resulting in my late hours? boss sat down with me outside and had a little chat with me. he knows when something is wrong with me. he reasoned that it is me who is the problem, taking up too much responsibility for others. so is that the reason that my relationships failed? is that why? that i take up too much responsibility within work itself that i leave relationships as the second or even third priority?
do those who know me see this? that i place them below my work? i know within my heart, the answer is no. i try to balance out work and family / relationship. in the end, i questioned myself with a simple question. when a call comes in for work and i have promised to stay with a person, do i work or stay? simple answer is work. i cant let down others. i just cant. and that, boss told me, was the main reason. so i asked, is work the main reason in which my relationships failed? the reply was no. surprised i was, definitely. he continued saying that its my undying committment to work that was the problem. that it is me, choosing to work over time spent with a loved one. reason as i may, saying that i cant push the job off to others, it merely showed him that it was that reason.
boss then proceeded to ask me 3 simple questions. what do i seek for in work and life? happiness. joy. satisfaction in giving out work that is done to perfection. prior to what happened 1 odd month ago, what was my goal in life and what do i seek for in a relationship? to stay happy and committed to the one i love and care for, my family and friends, and of course, work. i would seek understanding from the person whom i care for as well, that she understands me for who i am and for what i am. he then asked, are you seeking for a short or long term relationship now since i know about your future aspirations? i told him blankly, im not seeking anything. if i could save whatever was left of the past relationship, i would. but it doesnt seem like she wants it. he pressed on, what if a girl was to say that she was interested in you? would you go for her? point blank answer, no. why not? she is giving you a chance man. my answer was that i dont want to hurt others. im sick of my actions when it comes to balancing work and relationships and work always wins. but that is how i am. you said yourself that my problem was that i have an undying committment to work and females tend to see that i do not care for them. a simple retort from boss. life is meant for us to make mistakes so that we would learn from them.
he explained it in simple terms for me. when we, as males, spend more time in office than at home, people, especially females, tend to think that we are unfaithful, that we are out fooling with other girls. its not a simple matter as you think it is. you have to make time for her whenever you can. call her, ask how she is etc. he lamented himself that if he has the ability to do so, he would also be married. but he remains unmarried by choice. not my circumstances. he got up and left me with this train of thought. some plans you made, seems ok for now. but the future is uncertain. dont plan too far till you trip over your own shoes. and dont set your mind so rigidly that you block out other options. open your mind to other possibilities, since you intend to major in psychology. grasp what information you can. those you cant, just leave it be. do not look too deep within yourself only, but within others as well. figure out what they are really trying to convey. pick out the tone of the message rather than the meat of it.
i was left alone to ponder the conversation with cigarettes. he doesnt approve me of smoking either, i realise. but being the good boss, he knows that i use it as an excuse and keeps quiet. though he doesnt say anything, i know. he drops me small hints, especially before going in to meetings on monday. thanks to him, i got a shitload of pondering to do on National Day. but at least he helps me understand myself a little bit better. he told me not to work on National Day, but to stay at home and just run through the thoughts again. oh well, at least its something that is overdue anyway.
in fact, i thought, do i really know myself all that well? do i? or is it just another illusion? its weird when i think such things. i question myself on everything that i can remember having done in my life. am i so sure of myself that i can definitely say that i know myself inside out? i know that i am objective in my thoughts and actions. i know that i am a workaholic. i also know that i am the type to strive for perfection in what i do. i know the simple things about myself. but how about the methods which i deploy on working relationships with my colleagues? how about my ability to communicate EFFECTIVELY? am i able to capture the smaller things that really sway the tone of the entire story rather than just the bigger points? am i too obsessed with work till i neglect my family, friends and even my past relationships? what about the contingencies of the future other than those that i have planned for?
there are so many things that run through my mind. i can hear the thoughts, but i cannot comprehend the answers. it seems so weird that i can ask myself such questions. maybe a subtype of reverse psychology on myself. i have no idea. im simple. work comes first. work is most important. that is my purview. i like a neat and tidy piece of work. is that wrong even? is it not a pride to give others a finely done piece of work and be satisfied about it?
and one other thing. am i able to even communicate effectively to the ones i love and care for, that my work is something of pride to me thus resulting in my late hours? boss sat down with me outside and had a little chat with me. he knows when something is wrong with me. he reasoned that it is me who is the problem, taking up too much responsibility for others. so is that the reason that my relationships failed? is that why? that i take up too much responsibility within work itself that i leave relationships as the second or even third priority?
do those who know me see this? that i place them below my work? i know within my heart, the answer is no. i try to balance out work and family / relationship. in the end, i questioned myself with a simple question. when a call comes in for work and i have promised to stay with a person, do i work or stay? simple answer is work. i cant let down others. i just cant. and that, boss told me, was the main reason. so i asked, is work the main reason in which my relationships failed? the reply was no. surprised i was, definitely. he continued saying that its my undying committment to work that was the problem. that it is me, choosing to work over time spent with a loved one. reason as i may, saying that i cant push the job off to others, it merely showed him that it was that reason.
boss then proceeded to ask me 3 simple questions. what do i seek for in work and life? happiness. joy. satisfaction in giving out work that is done to perfection. prior to what happened 1 odd month ago, what was my goal in life and what do i seek for in a relationship? to stay happy and committed to the one i love and care for, my family and friends, and of course, work. i would seek understanding from the person whom i care for as well, that she understands me for who i am and for what i am. he then asked, are you seeking for a short or long term relationship now since i know about your future aspirations? i told him blankly, im not seeking anything. if i could save whatever was left of the past relationship, i would. but it doesnt seem like she wants it. he pressed on, what if a girl was to say that she was interested in you? would you go for her? point blank answer, no. why not? she is giving you a chance man. my answer was that i dont want to hurt others. im sick of my actions when it comes to balancing work and relationships and work always wins. but that is how i am. you said yourself that my problem was that i have an undying committment to work and females tend to see that i do not care for them. a simple retort from boss. life is meant for us to make mistakes so that we would learn from them.
he explained it in simple terms for me. when we, as males, spend more time in office than at home, people, especially females, tend to think that we are unfaithful, that we are out fooling with other girls. its not a simple matter as you think it is. you have to make time for her whenever you can. call her, ask how she is etc. he lamented himself that if he has the ability to do so, he would also be married. but he remains unmarried by choice. not my circumstances. he got up and left me with this train of thought. some plans you made, seems ok for now. but the future is uncertain. dont plan too far till you trip over your own shoes. and dont set your mind so rigidly that you block out other options. open your mind to other possibilities, since you intend to major in psychology. grasp what information you can. those you cant, just leave it be. do not look too deep within yourself only, but within others as well. figure out what they are really trying to convey. pick out the tone of the message rather than the meat of it.
i was left alone to ponder the conversation with cigarettes. he doesnt approve me of smoking either, i realise. but being the good boss, he knows that i use it as an excuse and keeps quiet. though he doesnt say anything, i know. he drops me small hints, especially before going in to meetings on monday. thanks to him, i got a shitload of pondering to do on National Day. but at least he helps me understand myself a little bit better. he told me not to work on National Day, but to stay at home and just run through the thoughts again. oh well, at least its something that is overdue anyway.
I messed this area @
21:30
21:30
not doing too well... my stomach is rebelling... and i dont feel good...
but there is only one TL in Singapore, and if i take a break, arghh... i just cant... we'll see after the meeting... i only know i cant take a break, even if it is at the expense of my health, for now.
but there is only one TL in Singapore, and if i take a break, arghh... i just cant... we'll see after the meeting... i only know i cant take a break, even if it is at the expense of my health, for now.
I messed this area @
07:57
07:57
no one really can help me if i shoulder too much burden. i tell myself always the sacrifice is worth it, except for work. but i have no choice. the job needs to be done, but no one is doing it. maybe its an inbuilt character trait in me that believes in having the job done nicely and neatly. i dont know. but i do have the pride in handing up a piece of work that is done up just so, not in the fact for recognition as much in the fact of giving my best.
this is me, this is how i do my things. i have no need for recognition nor praise. but i need to see the satisfaction in a person's face when they go over my work and realise that it is my best that i have given them. not some sloppy shit that my subordinates can turn out and still live on with their lives. call it whatever you want, workaholic, passion or maybe even madness. i call it pride in my work.
day by day, im falling weaker. not in mental strength, but physically. im pushing my limits, but i dont care. i work late punishing hours, i go back on weekends to rush up on deadlines. this is madness, from what my boss tells me. its all i can do to ask a simple question. would you like me to hand up a piece of work that would not meet to your standards? that settled the argument. or so i think. maybe he could be wanting me to start working from home.
i dont know. if i collapse one day, i know its my own doing. i blame no one. im suffering from migraines almost 3 times per week, coughing daily and i have no idea what is coming up for me soon. come it may, i have no qualms. should i die, i die. im not too worried about myself, but rather for the people around me. would they be taken care of when im not around? will they be able to find someone else to lean against?
these are the questions that i pose myself. im not afraid of myself and my undoing. neither am i afraid of the future nor death. maybe im just mad. however, i am afraid for the rest of the people. i pray nowadays. funny thing is, i pray for God to take care of the people around me. and i pray for forgiveness. thats all. whatever happens, i am content with what i have and what this world has given me.
this is me, this is how i do my things. i have no need for recognition nor praise. but i need to see the satisfaction in a person's face when they go over my work and realise that it is my best that i have given them. not some sloppy shit that my subordinates can turn out and still live on with their lives. call it whatever you want, workaholic, passion or maybe even madness. i call it pride in my work.
day by day, im falling weaker. not in mental strength, but physically. im pushing my limits, but i dont care. i work late punishing hours, i go back on weekends to rush up on deadlines. this is madness, from what my boss tells me. its all i can do to ask a simple question. would you like me to hand up a piece of work that would not meet to your standards? that settled the argument. or so i think. maybe he could be wanting me to start working from home.
i dont know. if i collapse one day, i know its my own doing. i blame no one. im suffering from migraines almost 3 times per week, coughing daily and i have no idea what is coming up for me soon. come it may, i have no qualms. should i die, i die. im not too worried about myself, but rather for the people around me. would they be taken care of when im not around? will they be able to find someone else to lean against?
these are the questions that i pose myself. im not afraid of myself and my undoing. neither am i afraid of the future nor death. maybe im just mad. however, i am afraid for the rest of the people. i pray nowadays. funny thing is, i pray for God to take care of the people around me. and i pray for forgiveness. thats all. whatever happens, i am content with what i have and what this world has given me.
I messed this area @
01:45
01:45
I wrote up something on the way home from work the other day. i was thinking, something that shouldnt be buried after a while. i wrote up my testimonial and pasted it on the top. i MIGHT change it should the time arrive, but it suffices for now. it reflects the real me, the true me, the only me. nothing else matters.
people always have misconceptions of me, and it should be put to rest. im not a great person. never was. but i believe in different conflicting ideas at times, making me a dichotomy to other's eyes. not that i can blame them anyway...
work still sucks, working long hours... but at least im more or less in control now. i tell myself that all i have to do is just to work hard and work smart. nothing like a simple test in psychology on myself. right........
people always have misconceptions of me, and it should be put to rest. im not a great person. never was. but i believe in different conflicting ideas at times, making me a dichotomy to other's eyes. not that i can blame them anyway...
work still sucks, working long hours... but at least im more or less in control now. i tell myself that all i have to do is just to work hard and work smart. nothing like a simple test in psychology on myself. right........
I messed this area @
02:06
02:06
my life and work sucks ass. at least my life cant get any more worse than it already is. im still living and breathing, so im thankful. usually, it gets better with a shot or two of vodka after work at home, sometimes a tad more. alcohol works fast in me, so i can get off to bed earlier and stop thinking.
my work, well, it sucks big time. alcohol cant cure that. smoking cant cure that. nothing can cure it, so all i can do is just to hope for the best.
everyday goes past unappreciated, some days goes past with me being stepped over by my subordinates. fuck.
i gotta learn how to crash stop my brain from thinking and pondering, whether about work or life. either way, come to think about it, my work is my life, so entwined they are together. since when has life not fucked me over anyway?
im not a quitter at most things. at love, well, more could be said for it. i failed one after another and im sick of it. if i die in Canada, good place to die as any. gotta die someplace sometime somehow. if i dont, i thank the good Lord for his grace. simpler way of thinking gets me through.
my work, well, it sucks big time. alcohol cant cure that. smoking cant cure that. nothing can cure it, so all i can do is just to hope for the best.
everyday goes past unappreciated, some days goes past with me being stepped over by my subordinates. fuck.
i gotta learn how to crash stop my brain from thinking and pondering, whether about work or life. either way, come to think about it, my work is my life, so entwined they are together. since when has life not fucked me over anyway?
im not a quitter at most things. at love, well, more could be said for it. i failed one after another and im sick of it. if i die in Canada, good place to die as any. gotta die someplace sometime somehow. if i dont, i thank the good Lord for his grace. simpler way of thinking gets me through.
I messed this area @
23:17
23:17