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April 2011
Joce-lyn
All I yearn, is for the love of someone, coupled with the love from my sibling and parents. And to me, true love is when one sees an imperfect person perfectly. Which is what I see in you. The degree of the love that I have for you, I will learn from my past mistakes and make myself better for you. Just you. Then again, maybe I'm never the one. I'm not perfect, nor am I good in any sense.
Actions never coincide with words, and thoughts never coincide with either. That is, if you ever get past the first sentence.
pressure. it is able to build up a person's confidence, and break it down into pieces in the same amount of time. and that same pressure, made me study and go into the exam hall to prove my worth. damn im good... i came out early, and i passed the paper. with flying colours too, unless all the others have the wrong answer as well. then i'll be left speechless.
anyway, the pressure shaped my character as well. it just makes me wanna prove that my weakest subject, will ultimately be as strong as my programming. i had to prove it, not to anyone, but to myself that i could do it.
some say there are 2 kinds of people in the world. the 'smart but lazy', and the 'stupid but hardworking'. i fit into neither. im the type that will put my heart and will into it if i want to. and if the mood proves right.
its still early in the day. and surprisingly, im in a good mood for a change. not that kinda good mood, but the feel good 'high' kinda mood. what got me down for this week, was mainly personal problems and 2 modules. after AEL, i was still in a foul mood. cant help it when ACCA was looming. and now, ACCA has passed. the next is PP and im free. in a sense... until i solve the remaining problems, i will never be free.
i dont know how to solve it, neither how to approach the problem. thought about it, and i know its my fault. im sincere in my apology... and i wanna make amends. but i dont know how. sometimes i wish that im dead. no more problems, no need to rack up solutions. i lock my feelings away when i need/want to, and let it out to a select few. u know who u are people. the words i say is different from what i feel and sometimes do. so only a few, the fingers on one hand is one too many already, know me well.
im still trying my best... in sorting out my entire life. think about it, dying is just running away from the damn problem. its still there, and it needs to be solved. what can be done? i dont know, and i'll leave it till tomorrow... right now, the last paper...
anyway, the pressure shaped my character as well. it just makes me wanna prove that my weakest subject, will ultimately be as strong as my programming. i had to prove it, not to anyone, but to myself that i could do it.
some say there are 2 kinds of people in the world. the 'smart but lazy', and the 'stupid but hardworking'. i fit into neither. im the type that will put my heart and will into it if i want to. and if the mood proves right.
its still early in the day. and surprisingly, im in a good mood for a change. not that kinda good mood, but the feel good 'high' kinda mood. what got me down for this week, was mainly personal problems and 2 modules. after AEL, i was still in a foul mood. cant help it when ACCA was looming. and now, ACCA has passed. the next is PP and im free. in a sense... until i solve the remaining problems, i will never be free.
i dont know how to solve it, neither how to approach the problem. thought about it, and i know its my fault. im sincere in my apology... and i wanna make amends. but i dont know how. sometimes i wish that im dead. no more problems, no need to rack up solutions. i lock my feelings away when i need/want to, and let it out to a select few. u know who u are people. the words i say is different from what i feel and sometimes do. so only a few, the fingers on one hand is one too many already, know me well.
im still trying my best... in sorting out my entire life. think about it, dying is just running away from the damn problem. its still there, and it needs to be solved. what can be done? i dont know, and i'll leave it till tomorrow... right now, the last paper...
I messed this area @
12:07
12:07
oxymoronic...
cruel kindness. optimistic sadness. inhumanely human. and all i want is to sleep...
to sleep forever and never wake up to this world. to pass into the nether world. and stay there for eternity. some sleeping pills would... be... nice... maybe a dozen will do the trick. oh heck, why take chances? i'll get 2 dozen... of course, from your friendly neighbourhood doctor...
wonderful things these drugs. they either make u feel good, or finish you off without any awareness... I opt for the former and slowly change it into the latter... *crazed laugh*
cruel kindness. optimistic sadness. inhumanely human. and all i want is to sleep...
to sleep forever and never wake up to this world. to pass into the nether world. and stay there for eternity. some sleeping pills would... be... nice... maybe a dozen will do the trick. oh heck, why take chances? i'll get 2 dozen... of course, from your friendly neighbourhood doctor...
wonderful things these drugs. they either make u feel good, or finish you off without any awareness... I opt for the former and slowly change it into the latter... *crazed laugh*
I messed this area @
00:42
00:42
who the hell am i kidding?? im not sure either. am i lying to myself, that i know what i am reading? am i living in reality for that matter? i feel like im in another world, thats far away from here. i will myself to concentrate once more, but im finished. i know it. im aware of it. im totally gone.
i burned myself out, trying not to think of you, trying to understand whatever the shit is happening in the paper itself. im totally feeling like shit now. what am i supposed to think now? i just am not aware already. the human will is a finite source, and i have pushed it into overdrive already. im breaking apart, totally. tears isnt gonna help. neither will complaining. all i can do, is to tolerate the pain and keep working. can i do it? i dont know. i feel something breaking apart within me. soon, it'll snap. the feeling is there, its unmistakable.
o well, if it snaps, i know its the end already. the war is over. peace will arrive in just as much time i take to breathe in the last breath. i just hope no one will follow in my footsteps.
and whatever your answer, my world will crash on its own. im sure of it. the EQ is there, but i have lost the IQ.
i burned myself out, trying not to think of you, trying to understand whatever the shit is happening in the paper itself. im totally feeling like shit now. what am i supposed to think now? i just am not aware already. the human will is a finite source, and i have pushed it into overdrive already. im breaking apart, totally. tears isnt gonna help. neither will complaining. all i can do, is to tolerate the pain and keep working. can i do it? i dont know. i feel something breaking apart within me. soon, it'll snap. the feeling is there, its unmistakable.
o well, if it snaps, i know its the end already. the war is over. peace will arrive in just as much time i take to breathe in the last breath. i just hope no one will follow in my footsteps.
and whatever your answer, my world will crash on its own. im sure of it. the EQ is there, but i have lost the IQ.
I messed this area @
21:39
21:39
the hour is late, and i cant fall asleep. i try to study, but i dont understand shit. and i start to reflect once again.
hallucinations come. i imagine your scent, but ur not here. i swear the hallucinations are getting worse. i dont know what to think already. im giving myself time to relax from this. trying and trying. to let the matter rest while i try not to screw up my exams. i study, but the brief periods come and go as the tide ebb and flow. train of thoughts are broken time and again, but i pick myself up from where i left. i know i have to concentrate, and im trying my best.
i tell myself, i have to let it go for the moment. i will come back to this problem. i promise. i have to attend to the bigger picture now. my exams is my future, my livelihood. after this 3rd paper, i can relax and start to think more. but not now, not at this time. and certainly, i have to get a new brain soon. i fried this one to a crisp.
hallucinations come. i imagine your scent, but ur not here. i swear the hallucinations are getting worse. i dont know what to think already. im giving myself time to relax from this. trying and trying. to let the matter rest while i try not to screw up my exams. i study, but the brief periods come and go as the tide ebb and flow. train of thoughts are broken time and again, but i pick myself up from where i left. i know i have to concentrate, and im trying my best.
i tell myself, i have to let it go for the moment. i will come back to this problem. i promise. i have to attend to the bigger picture now. my exams is my future, my livelihood. after this 3rd paper, i can relax and start to think more. but not now, not at this time. and certainly, i have to get a new brain soon. i fried this one to a crisp.
I messed this area @
01:14
01:14
anger, pain, love, hate... what i feel, i just dont know. maybe..... fear..... too..... the major 5 combines into a lethal emotion overflow.
----------------------------------------------------
so you think you know the real meaning of fear?
yeah, you think you do know, but i doubt it.
when you sit in a shelter with bombs falling all over,
and the houses around you are burning like torches,
i agree that you experience horror and fright.
for such moments are dreadful, for as long as they last,
but the all-clear sounds - then its okay -
you take a deep breath, the stress has passed by.
but real fear is a stone deep down in your chest.
you hear me? a stone. thats what it is, no more.
-Ilya Selvinskiy (Sprakh)(Fear)
---------------------------------------------------
i managed to get some work done due to fear. fear of failing. fear of retaking the module. but its just empty now. tried to act happy. failed at that. face just turned gloomy and serious. i know what im doing, but i dont know why. every action i do is just an action without meaning, without knowledge... i look at others, they have a path in life, a goal to reach. i lost my path, my goal... forever?? i dont know. and i dont care. and while doing the paper, my mind went blank. my eyes turned grey and cold, like those of a ruthless murderer. i dont wanna be like this, but i lost the control of my mind over body. totally lost it, when i need it most. and did some scribbling on the question paper. this is what i wrote.
---------------------------------------------------
my mind is blank now. i conjur up an image of you. my mind is screaming out for formulas to continue my paper, but it now holds nothing. and i start to question God Himself, is this a challenge to me? if it is, i will show you what i can do. i will tide over this and fight my way out. Till my last breath. i will show you what I AM CAPABLE OF for testing me! TRY ME AND YOU'LL KNOW MY WRATH!
---------------------------------------------------
i noticed that the examiner was observing me... saw my hands trembling. clenched around the pencil. i was shaking with rage, with the thoughts of revenge at the world for treating me like this. corner a dog without the chance of escape, and you'll know that the dog has sharp teeth. if i grow so deranged, feel free to end my life. but i regain my senses in time. i have to continue my paper. to pass this once and for all. and i get back and work on it to finish it off. and i emerge from the exam hall early, but at least in the knowledge that i have passed.
and i dont feel like going home. just like a homeless kid, i felt the need to stray around. to try and free my mind for the next paper. my mind is a complete blank. people pass me, and i just stand and watch them pass. my eyes see them, but dont record the movements. my mind doesnt work anymore. it has a mind of its own. every body part has its own mind and i lost control over it. im afraid here. im afraid i will suddenly hit out at someone. and i quickly scurry home, to hide in the darkness. and know that the rest are safe from me.
i need the time to think. to process what is going on. and i need to calm down, and rationalise. and most importantly, i have to study.
----------------------------------------------------
so you think you know the real meaning of fear?
yeah, you think you do know, but i doubt it.
when you sit in a shelter with bombs falling all over,
and the houses around you are burning like torches,
i agree that you experience horror and fright.
for such moments are dreadful, for as long as they last,
but the all-clear sounds - then its okay -
you take a deep breath, the stress has passed by.
but real fear is a stone deep down in your chest.
you hear me? a stone. thats what it is, no more.
-Ilya Selvinskiy (Sprakh)(Fear)
---------------------------------------------------
i managed to get some work done due to fear. fear of failing. fear of retaking the module. but its just empty now. tried to act happy. failed at that. face just turned gloomy and serious. i know what im doing, but i dont know why. every action i do is just an action without meaning, without knowledge... i look at others, they have a path in life, a goal to reach. i lost my path, my goal... forever?? i dont know. and i dont care. and while doing the paper, my mind went blank. my eyes turned grey and cold, like those of a ruthless murderer. i dont wanna be like this, but i lost the control of my mind over body. totally lost it, when i need it most. and did some scribbling on the question paper. this is what i wrote.
---------------------------------------------------
my mind is blank now. i conjur up an image of you. my mind is screaming out for formulas to continue my paper, but it now holds nothing. and i start to question God Himself, is this a challenge to me? if it is, i will show you what i can do. i will tide over this and fight my way out. Till my last breath. i will show you what I AM CAPABLE OF for testing me! TRY ME AND YOU'LL KNOW MY WRATH!
---------------------------------------------------
i noticed that the examiner was observing me... saw my hands trembling. clenched around the pencil. i was shaking with rage, with the thoughts of revenge at the world for treating me like this. corner a dog without the chance of escape, and you'll know that the dog has sharp teeth. if i grow so deranged, feel free to end my life. but i regain my senses in time. i have to continue my paper. to pass this once and for all. and i get back and work on it to finish it off. and i emerge from the exam hall early, but at least in the knowledge that i have passed.
and i dont feel like going home. just like a homeless kid, i felt the need to stray around. to try and free my mind for the next paper. my mind is a complete blank. people pass me, and i just stand and watch them pass. my eyes see them, but dont record the movements. my mind doesnt work anymore. it has a mind of its own. every body part has its own mind and i lost control over it. im afraid here. im afraid i will suddenly hit out at someone. and i quickly scurry home, to hide in the darkness. and know that the rest are safe from me.
i need the time to think. to process what is going on. and i need to calm down, and rationalise. and most importantly, i have to study.
I messed this area @
19:19
19:19
i went out in the hopes to keep a promise... but somehow, my thoughts drift to you for brief periods. i want to concentrate, and i tried, and i gained more knowledge. but you break my train of thought countless times.
i just know now. how much of an ass i am. how horrible i had been. and how, instead of you betraying my trust, i find out that it was me that betrayed your trust. i am the one that is not worthy of you. now i know. and know what? i saw a rainbow. the rainbow was so pretty. and i happened to just think, how can i be able to see the rainbow? i dont know myself. i am not worthy to experience such a nice rainbow of nature itself. to be able to see it even. to even know of its existence.
all i can say is, i f**ked up. in a way that was deemed impossible by me. im sorry. im just so sorry. if all comes to naught, i am prepared to pay the ultimate price for that. for betraying you. i will pay the ultimate price.
and now, the rainbow is gone. i sit alone as darkness sets in. just thinking.
i just know now. how much of an ass i am. how horrible i had been. and how, instead of you betraying my trust, i find out that it was me that betrayed your trust. i am the one that is not worthy of you. now i know. and know what? i saw a rainbow. the rainbow was so pretty. and i happened to just think, how can i be able to see the rainbow? i dont know myself. i am not worthy to experience such a nice rainbow of nature itself. to be able to see it even. to even know of its existence.
all i can say is, i f**ked up. in a way that was deemed impossible by me. im sorry. im just so sorry. if all comes to naught, i am prepared to pay the ultimate price for that. for betraying you. i will pay the ultimate price.
and now, the rainbow is gone. i sit alone as darkness sets in. just thinking.
I messed this area @
22:23
22:23
this is my intentions.
right now, i have to study. i keep my promise to you, and i'll study. you wanna talk, we'll talk after thursday. u tell me when and where and i'll be there. you have 4 days, to think it over throughly, to plan your course of action. another lie, and im not wanting to hear more from you from that point onwards.
i want the truth. i know the truth. i want you to tell me the truth. and i want your side of the story. something went wrong, and i took the time to search for the information, the missing link, the prick in the rose. i know my mistake. i know what had happened to make you that way. i want to hear it from you. not now, but in 4 days time.
here is a hint: it WASNT a lie. no doubt in my mind. you got your hint. deal with it.
You want me to listen?
I'll listen.
You want me to allow you to do what you want?
Go right ahead.
You want me to give you time to think?
You have the time now.
im dealing with my exams for the moment. im going out to study. to keep my promise.
right now, i have to study. i keep my promise to you, and i'll study. you wanna talk, we'll talk after thursday. u tell me when and where and i'll be there. you have 4 days, to think it over throughly, to plan your course of action. another lie, and im not wanting to hear more from you from that point onwards.
i want the truth. i know the truth. i want you to tell me the truth. and i want your side of the story. something went wrong, and i took the time to search for the information, the missing link, the prick in the rose. i know my mistake. i know what had happened to make you that way. i want to hear it from you. not now, but in 4 days time.
here is a hint: it WASNT a lie. no doubt in my mind. you got your hint. deal with it.
You want me to listen?
I'll listen.
You want me to allow you to do what you want?
Go right ahead.
You want me to give you time to think?
You have the time now.
im dealing with my exams for the moment. im going out to study. to keep my promise.
I messed this area @
13:43
13:43
im drunk. damnnit... went out and met with a friend. and now im in this state. at least now i rest easier. but i just have to lose my senses.
decided the best way was to get a real kick and get martell. yea, u heard right. MARTELL. expensive, yes. kickass, yes. just thought i'd get drunk to the extent that i'll wander into the streets and get knocked down by a car.
to me, reality sucks. i feel now that the past week was a dream. was it really a dream? we had a frank talk. my world crashed then, spread from breakfast to hell. that was why i decided to get myself so drunk with martell. i just feel so empty now... this void in me, its eating me up from the inside.
so what if its a big lie? so what? i told you, i'll stand by you, be beside you, and be the one to protect you. i never go back on my words. and don't ever, ever, EVER follow in my footsteps. guilt isn't and shouldn't be the motivation to do such silly things. i already put it down plainly for you to see. and this is my oath to you.
-------------------------------------
i will wait, for as long as it takes.
i will protect, to the extent of my life being less important than yours.
i will be your pillar of strength, your crying shoulder and ultimately, the one always there for you.
-------------------------------------
i've got no more tears to shed. literally running on empty now. i just feel that it wasn't the past week. maybe, my entire life is just one big lie in itself. you tell me, was it? im not sure of myself anymore. to escape from this world... i need a ticket outta here. true that what i said was stupid. i dont deny that. i am stupid... right now. to get so drunk. and to wake up with a hangover.
you tell me whats going on. so much for bottoms up on martell. its just a way to escape in life for a temporary time. in the end, ur still stuck back in this shitty part of the world.now, im feeling like shit. i cant study. i cant read. hell, typing is also a big problem. focusing on the damn laptop is way too hard. we'll see how it goes. living day to day is what i now know. i just wanna escape from this world now.
damn this life.
decided the best way was to get a real kick and get martell. yea, u heard right. MARTELL. expensive, yes. kickass, yes. just thought i'd get drunk to the extent that i'll wander into the streets and get knocked down by a car.
to me, reality sucks. i feel now that the past week was a dream. was it really a dream? we had a frank talk. my world crashed then, spread from breakfast to hell. that was why i decided to get myself so drunk with martell. i just feel so empty now... this void in me, its eating me up from the inside.
so what if its a big lie? so what? i told you, i'll stand by you, be beside you, and be the one to protect you. i never go back on my words. and don't ever, ever, EVER follow in my footsteps. guilt isn't and shouldn't be the motivation to do such silly things. i already put it down plainly for you to see. and this is my oath to you.
-------------------------------------
i will wait, for as long as it takes.
i will protect, to the extent of my life being less important than yours.
i will be your pillar of strength, your crying shoulder and ultimately, the one always there for you.
-------------------------------------
i've got no more tears to shed. literally running on empty now. i just feel that it wasn't the past week. maybe, my entire life is just one big lie in itself. you tell me, was it? im not sure of myself anymore. to escape from this world... i need a ticket outta here. true that what i said was stupid. i dont deny that. i am stupid... right now. to get so drunk. and to wake up with a hangover.
you tell me whats going on. so much for bottoms up on martell. its just a way to escape in life for a temporary time. in the end, ur still stuck back in this shitty part of the world.now, im feeling like shit. i cant study. i cant read. hell, typing is also a big problem. focusing on the damn laptop is way too hard. we'll see how it goes. living day to day is what i now know. i just wanna escape from this world now.
damn this life.
I messed this area @
11:23
11:23
reflecting further in the day, i just don't know anymore. i wish we can talk it out. that the problem can be solved. how much of a jerk i am, i know. i aware. and i am sorry if that has offended you. i didnt realise that it would take an adverse effect just to show what i thought of on that day. i want to know the reason too. that cannot be the only one. not just that. of that i am certain.
the will to live is diminishing by the minute. break down and cry. too tired to cry. too sad to feel anything. just feeling numb all over my body. i feel that i have let you down so. and in that case, tell me. and i will end my life for that.
you are my all, and letting you down so, is the same as cheating on you. and no, i will never cheat on you. the mix created is toxic, and even so, my life is nothing without you. my life is not a life anymore. its just mere existence in this morbid world, full of hopes and dreams while i wander about aimlessly, just waiting, waiting, for that special day, that the soul is released from this body and i am free. the night i pray, is the night i leave. permenantly.
the tears in my eyes will not leave, nor will the visions vanish. tears are welling up again. i guess its time to leave and start the entire process of breaking down again. my mind is just white now. seeing nothing. noticing nothing. the guilt in me is up again. i feel useless. unworthy of this life that God has passed to me. maybe it'll end soon. maybe.................
the will to live is diminishing by the minute. break down and cry. too tired to cry. too sad to feel anything. just feeling numb all over my body. i feel that i have let you down so. and in that case, tell me. and i will end my life for that.
you are my all, and letting you down so, is the same as cheating on you. and no, i will never cheat on you. the mix created is toxic, and even so, my life is nothing without you. my life is not a life anymore. its just mere existence in this morbid world, full of hopes and dreams while i wander about aimlessly, just waiting, waiting, for that special day, that the soul is released from this body and i am free. the night i pray, is the night i leave. permenantly.
the tears in my eyes will not leave, nor will the visions vanish. tears are welling up again. i guess its time to leave and start the entire process of breaking down again. my mind is just white now. seeing nothing. noticing nothing. the guilt in me is up again. i feel useless. unworthy of this life that God has passed to me. maybe it'll end soon. maybe.................
I messed this area @
20:01
20:01
feel damn messed up. feeling down. feeling suicidal. feeling, a mix of emotions. never thought that it can happen this way. never felt that i could become in this state of disarray. never, never, never, never, never, never, never, NEVER thought that i can become this!!
friends, i know you care, but leave me alone now. i need time to myself. and if u call in future and i dont pick up, it isnt me ignoring you. it'll be something else.
trust me, its a surprise.
friends, i know you care, but leave me alone now. i need time to myself. and if u call in future and i dont pick up, it isnt me ignoring you. it'll be something else.
trust me, its a surprise.
I messed this area @
01:21
01:21
dont know, dont care, dont give a fucking damn... im too lost for words. too tired to think anymore. dont feel amiable, dont feel human. DONT FEEL LIKE FUCKING LIVING. FUCK LIFE.
reality sucks, yea... so well reality, you can fuck off as well. and expressing anger isnt my strong point too. maybe i was betrayed. maybe i was too dumb to know what happened. maybe maybe maybe. damnit. too many factors. too chancy. too, well, fuck it too...
i dont care, i dont know, and hell, maybe i should just go die. i cant give a shit one way or the other already. i allayed my hopes, but im thrown down again??? wat the hell is wrong with me? either way, im just tired of living already. so much for life. fuck it.
only vocab ringing in my head at the moment. fuck... yea, you heard right. FUCK. so if ur reading this, FUCK OFF. its the end already. im getting outta here. someplace to think. someplace to reflect. someplace to, hopefully, understand or end it once and for all.
hope... another fucking word which i trusted so much, betted so damn much, and find myself thrown into a pit later. fuck off life...
reality sucks, yea... so well reality, you can fuck off as well. and expressing anger isnt my strong point too. maybe i was betrayed. maybe i was too dumb to know what happened. maybe maybe maybe. damnit. too many factors. too chancy. too, well, fuck it too...
i dont care, i dont know, and hell, maybe i should just go die. i cant give a shit one way or the other already. i allayed my hopes, but im thrown down again??? wat the hell is wrong with me? either way, im just tired of living already. so much for life. fuck it.
only vocab ringing in my head at the moment. fuck... yea, you heard right. FUCK. so if ur reading this, FUCK OFF. its the end already. im getting outta here. someplace to think. someplace to reflect. someplace to, hopefully, understand or end it once and for all.
hope... another fucking word which i trusted so much, betted so damn much, and find myself thrown into a pit later. fuck off life...
I messed this area @
00:59
00:59
haha, been having quite a few busy days that i couldn't blog... or more like, was too lazy to blog... kinda had events overtaken by me. anyway, its study week and im free! well, sort of... shit, looking at my exam timetable, it seems so sucky... o well, and im falling sick...
anyway, homework was copied and handed up, so thats fine already... my MOL is done by cheating... bo bians, no choice got to cheat one... otherwise cannot make it into the deadline. anyway, rush week is over, now is mug week...OMG... but, had a nice surprise 2 days ago, although i roughly knew the outcome... i mean, i didnt mean to kinda read so much into the actions, but i guess curiousity made me do it. and i got my answer. at least we dont have to play those games anymore. but to her, i appreciate you for who you are to me and i dont need you to change for me. because, i love you for who you are and what you are. i said it before, and i believe in the fact, true love is when someone sees an imperfect person perfectly.
you have made the decision to talk, and it is what i believe in. for that barrier has passed, and now i hope that you have the confidence to tell me what you have in your mind. i treasure that trust and you for that matter.
anyway, my exams are gonna start on thurday, 24 March.. and its late already... i gotta turn in now... lest i fall asleep on the keyboard. haha... nite all...
and a special note to that special person, I love you... good nite...
anyway, homework was copied and handed up, so thats fine already... my MOL is done by cheating... bo bians, no choice got to cheat one... otherwise cannot make it into the deadline. anyway, rush week is over, now is mug week...OMG... but, had a nice surprise 2 days ago, although i roughly knew the outcome... i mean, i didnt mean to kinda read so much into the actions, but i guess curiousity made me do it. and i got my answer. at least we dont have to play those games anymore. but to her, i appreciate you for who you are to me and i dont need you to change for me. because, i love you for who you are and what you are. i said it before, and i believe in the fact, true love is when someone sees an imperfect person perfectly.
you have made the decision to talk, and it is what i believe in. for that barrier has passed, and now i hope that you have the confidence to tell me what you have in your mind. i treasure that trust and you for that matter.
anyway, my exams are gonna start on thurday, 24 March.. and its late already... i gotta turn in now... lest i fall asleep on the keyboard. haha... nite all...
and a special note to that special person, I love you... good nite...
I messed this area @
01:38
01:38
aiya... kena thrown down todae. feel damn hyper and nuts. went to school 1 hr late, didnt bother to report for first class. cos that class start at 9am, i woke up at 9.30am... LOL... so i was like forget it, i'll go only for the 10am class. wahahaha... im just too lazy to bother now anyway.
anyways, sch sucks as usual la. wasnt listening to class at all and ended up watching Initial D in AEL class. in PP2, try to understand teacher. but suay suay he try to make things sound simplier, he made it harder and more confusing. aiya, damnit. think i'll study that chapter myself instead of hearing him drone on and on. buay ta han... so sian, so walked home instead of taking the bus. haha, from NUS to my place, abt half and hour walk... so find the time to enjoy the greenery...
damn, im still stuck with a ton of work and im too lazy to work at it. i mean, seeing that pile of work that has to be done kinda gets me un-motivated. o well, thats gonna be some shit when i have to hand in all at the same time. that will bite me in the ass big time, but for now, WHO THE HELL CARES!!
anyways, i cant bother all that much already and i guess its time i try and see if i can complete SOME of my outstanding work. b-e-a-utiful... okok, i go liaos... bbye!!
anyways, sch sucks as usual la. wasnt listening to class at all and ended up watching Initial D in AEL class. in PP2, try to understand teacher. but suay suay he try to make things sound simplier, he made it harder and more confusing. aiya, damnit. think i'll study that chapter myself instead of hearing him drone on and on. buay ta han... so sian, so walked home instead of taking the bus. haha, from NUS to my place, abt half and hour walk... so find the time to enjoy the greenery...
damn, im still stuck with a ton of work and im too lazy to work at it. i mean, seeing that pile of work that has to be done kinda gets me un-motivated. o well, thats gonna be some shit when i have to hand in all at the same time. that will bite me in the ass big time, but for now, WHO THE HELL CARES!!
anyways, i cant bother all that much already and i guess its time i try and see if i can complete SOME of my outstanding work. b-e-a-utiful... okok, i go liaos... bbye!!
I messed this area @
23:18
23:18
sianitization... the entire week was relatively shitty. work still not handed in and constantly piling up with deadlines looming, tests for certain subjects, presentation didnt go as well as i hoped it would as i took damn long, and feeling kinda down... knn, i dunno wat got over me. sometimes i get these kinda mood swings. and oso feel a bit sick. o well, it'll pass in due time. i hope. besides, for most of the entire week, i wasnt really listening to class... and today, read the Da Vinci Code during class when i should have been listening. b-e-a-utiful...
anyways, its been so long since i last blogged... been busy and feeling so tired. i guess whenever i feel down, i take a long walk home. starting from NUS to my place, its roughly an hour walk. i walk at a leisurely pace and enjoy the greenery... and passing a park too, so usually i wind inside and slow down. when i wanna be, i can be real quiet and just keep to myself. maybe thats why many find me a cold fish. haha, thats an opinion of myself from my view. but i enjoy the serenity in a park and quiet places. thats where i can lay out my thoughts and think of my position. its just so hectic sometimes that i choose to walk home instead of taking a bus.
anyway, exams are coming up soon and have to work like mad again. im starting to think that maybe life isnt worth all this. in the end, you come out with a diploma and have to work for a degree. and after the degree, people go on for their masters and you are forced to go after the same route so you dont fall behind. or if you do, then you dont fall too far back. and ultimately, you have your masters and you get a relatively high paying job. and when the time comes, you are retrenched just because you draw too high a salary and the company can then hire cheap young saps to come in with a masters and take over in due time. i get the feeling that life is to set you up to fail. maybe not life, but education. what an irony. somewhere where you learn things from books with no hands on knowledge from the working world, and exams are mainly to make you memorise stuff. information where you 'vomit' the things u learn into exam papers. its not based on how good you are at working your way around problems anymore. its now on how well you memorise items. like formulaes... dammit, the entire education system is now defunct. and theres nothing that can be done about it. progress? thats not progress. thats degress! we are moving into an era where the students are, in broader terms, parrots. great... here i am lamenting about how shitty the education system is when i am an afterproduct of the system itself. and who am i to comment on this? go figure...
o well, i dunno what to do abt myself.. slog it out for the 2 years and get a diploma as an engineer a.k.a parrot? sheesh, maybe thats the reason for me feeling down these few days. i kinda got fed up about not understanding my subjects and took a step back and re-evaluated my situation. and this is what i got. damn, i just feel so tired. i guess, in due time, i'll better understand the paradox of the education system and make a choice to determine the correct path to go. but for now, im so messed up with my work and im feeling so down. great...
ahh, its late already. and i wanna sleep. not worth it to keep up the late nights anymore. feel very fatigued. and just keep in the hope, that the next day will be better than the previous. and along the way, shed this cloak of darkness and pessimistic attitude that surrounds me now to be a happy and optimistic person after all... nite all, and thanks for indulging in my views for this past week.
and for those that are always near me, forgive me for not being my usual crappy self. though i sometimes break free, these thoughts come back within the hour. Good nite/day..
anyways, its been so long since i last blogged... been busy and feeling so tired. i guess whenever i feel down, i take a long walk home. starting from NUS to my place, its roughly an hour walk. i walk at a leisurely pace and enjoy the greenery... and passing a park too, so usually i wind inside and slow down. when i wanna be, i can be real quiet and just keep to myself. maybe thats why many find me a cold fish. haha, thats an opinion of myself from my view. but i enjoy the serenity in a park and quiet places. thats where i can lay out my thoughts and think of my position. its just so hectic sometimes that i choose to walk home instead of taking a bus.
anyway, exams are coming up soon and have to work like mad again. im starting to think that maybe life isnt worth all this. in the end, you come out with a diploma and have to work for a degree. and after the degree, people go on for their masters and you are forced to go after the same route so you dont fall behind. or if you do, then you dont fall too far back. and ultimately, you have your masters and you get a relatively high paying job. and when the time comes, you are retrenched just because you draw too high a salary and the company can then hire cheap young saps to come in with a masters and take over in due time. i get the feeling that life is to set you up to fail. maybe not life, but education. what an irony. somewhere where you learn things from books with no hands on knowledge from the working world, and exams are mainly to make you memorise stuff. information where you 'vomit' the things u learn into exam papers. its not based on how good you are at working your way around problems anymore. its now on how well you memorise items. like formulaes... dammit, the entire education system is now defunct. and theres nothing that can be done about it. progress? thats not progress. thats degress! we are moving into an era where the students are, in broader terms, parrots. great... here i am lamenting about how shitty the education system is when i am an afterproduct of the system itself. and who am i to comment on this? go figure...
o well, i dunno what to do abt myself.. slog it out for the 2 years and get a diploma as an engineer a.k.a parrot? sheesh, maybe thats the reason for me feeling down these few days. i kinda got fed up about not understanding my subjects and took a step back and re-evaluated my situation. and this is what i got. damn, i just feel so tired. i guess, in due time, i'll better understand the paradox of the education system and make a choice to determine the correct path to go. but for now, im so messed up with my work and im feeling so down. great...
ahh, its late already. and i wanna sleep. not worth it to keep up the late nights anymore. feel very fatigued. and just keep in the hope, that the next day will be better than the previous. and along the way, shed this cloak of darkness and pessimistic attitude that surrounds me now to be a happy and optimistic person after all... nite all, and thanks for indulging in my views for this past week.
and for those that are always near me, forgive me for not being my usual crappy self. though i sometimes break free, these thoughts come back within the hour. Good nite/day..
I messed this area @
01:31
01:31