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Joce-lyn
All I yearn, is for the love of someone, coupled with the love from my sibling and parents. And to me, true love is when one sees an imperfect person perfectly. Which is what I see in you. The degree of the love that I have for you, I will learn from my past mistakes and make myself better for you. Just you. Then again, maybe I'm never the one. I'm not perfect, nor am I good in any sense.
Actions never coincide with words, and thoughts never coincide with either. That is, if you ever get past the first sentence.
i just dont feel like blogging no more. i dunno why. maybe i feel that i have no need to let others know my personal life. i rather keep a personal diary than expose my life for all to see. i guess, its hard to say.
but the general thing was that i met a sec sch friend, went skating, and feel down. damn, hit my left hip bone again. be damned if i fracture it. o well... i used a new pair of skates which i recently got. BAUER IMPACT 75. its not the best, but the blade is stainless steel. so im happy. and it handles well. so is the feel. i feel that i can go much faster using BAUER than CCM. haha, cos lighter what... o well...
i guess im pretty tired and zonked. im in need for some much needed rest. nite all...
but the general thing was that i met a sec sch friend, went skating, and feel down. damn, hit my left hip bone again. be damned if i fracture it. o well... i used a new pair of skates which i recently got. BAUER IMPACT 75. its not the best, but the blade is stainless steel. so im happy. and it handles well. so is the feel. i feel that i can go much faster using BAUER than CCM. haha, cos lighter what... o well...
i guess im pretty tired and zonked. im in need for some much needed rest. nite all...
I messed this area @
01:11
01:11
i dont wanna live it half-heartly. communication is the key. and studies and health has always been 1st priority. so i'll just leave it at that. the time spent was truly enjoyed.
i have no need to delve further. so i'll leave here. skating today~!~!~!
i have no need to delve further. so i'll leave here. skating today~!~!~!
I messed this area @
09:50
09:50
havent been blogging for a while. after i got my results, i just wanted to stay alone. i dont know why. i guess its just that im relieved that all is over. and its time to start a new chapter. and start it i have. i cant live in the past forever. moving on is what i can do.
personal things that happened to me, i will not touch on it. so far, only very few people know whats going on. and forget aboutt knowing them, i shall forget their names for that occasion. lol... not permanently la... wouldnt delve into it already, thats for me to know only...
i guess its time to go off already. got nothing more to say... nite all...
personal things that happened to me, i will not touch on it. so far, only very few people know whats going on. and forget aboutt knowing them, i shall forget their names for that occasion. lol... not permanently la... wouldnt delve into it already, thats for me to know only...
i guess its time to go off already. got nothing more to say... nite all...
I messed this area @
02:16
02:16
there, my results for all to see. nothing great, but i managed to pull through. damn, i expected worse. o well, im glad that God gave me such good results for what i did. for this, i say a prayer to Him and thank Him for what he has done for me. im grateful for it... anyway, everything is in the past, so its time to forgive and forget. someoe once said: 'if you havent learnt anything in life, learn how to forgive'. yea, anyway, im outta here.
I messed this area @
09:52
09:52
im jaded. have nothing to occupy my mind already. went back to old ways. what the hell. im turning into someone that i hate. im hurting myself more than anyone else can do so. so what??? like it matters. i've just changed. turned to something to relieve the hurt. does it matter anymore? it sucks. im trying to kick them out. but its become a habit. and all i can say is, im trying, without conviction.
and all i have to say is, another dumbass that bites the dust. one count up... and the list keeps running..............
i really want to disappear from the world, to hide in the darkness and just stay there. i need and i crave the solace. which is why, you generally find me immersed in something that requires only myself to be there. the signs are in front of you, staring at you in the face. notice it when you see it, and both parties will be happy. its better this way. always has been, and always will be. i am that i am, and have no need to prove it to anyone else.
i admire your tact, your ability to handle the situation. and i respect what you say.
and all i have to say is, another dumbass that bites the dust. one count up... and the list keeps running..............
i really want to disappear from the world, to hide in the darkness and just stay there. i need and i crave the solace. which is why, you generally find me immersed in something that requires only myself to be there. the signs are in front of you, staring at you in the face. notice it when you see it, and both parties will be happy. its better this way. always has been, and always will be. i am that i am, and have no need to prove it to anyone else.
i admire your tact, your ability to handle the situation. and i respect what you say.
I messed this area @
02:40
02:40
the time is now 12.36. and great, i cant sleep. its not that i dont wanna sleep, its just that i screwed my bio clock way out. fuck it, my night is day, and my day is night. o well, since most things are screwed, whats another fuck up? lol.
i find myself a mess. haha, like thats a surprise. anyway, i guess i cant really bother. a contradiction within a contradiction. i abdicate.
i find myself a mess. haha, like thats a surprise. anyway, i guess i cant really bother. a contradiction within a contradiction. i abdicate.
I messed this area @
00:36
00:36
im empty, left in despair, with nothing to occupy my mind and time. and the memories come. what am i to do? i cant do anything. it is said:
Letting go of someone dear to you is hard but
holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the
same is much harder
Giving up doesn't mean you're weak. It only
means that you're strong enough to let go
does it mean that i am not strong enough to let go? i tell myself that i cannot do anything, so is that a valid reason to let go in the first place? does it justify giving up? i dunno. its not that i dont care, but circumstances change, and the playing ground does not play by the same rules no more.
such is the game. its not who wins or loses. its how the game is played.
it is sad, the price is so high to pay. and i am left there, just staring blankly, thinking about the past... with a twinge of guilt.
Im a bitch, Im a lover, Im a child, Im a mother, Im a sinner, Im a saint, I do not feel ashamed.
Letting go of someone dear to you is hard but
holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the
same is much harder
Giving up doesn't mean you're weak. It only
means that you're strong enough to let go
does it mean that i am not strong enough to let go? i tell myself that i cannot do anything, so is that a valid reason to let go in the first place? does it justify giving up? i dunno. its not that i dont care, but circumstances change, and the playing ground does not play by the same rules no more.
such is the game. its not who wins or loses. its how the game is played.
it is sad, the price is so high to pay. and i am left there, just staring blankly, thinking about the past... with a twinge of guilt.
Im a bitch, Im a lover, Im a child, Im a mother, Im a sinner, Im a saint, I do not feel ashamed.
I messed this area @
05:58
05:58
slept. woke up. went to skate. fell down and injured both of my hands. wanted to go drink 5 teq shots at clarke quay. went to west mall instead. drank coffee bean and smoked. home. thats it.
im fatigued. i cant think. i cant be bothered to think. left the decision to be made by you. whatever is done, is done. whatever happens, happens. like i can care more than what i am. besides, of what position am i to care?
im jaded, pissed, and all those shitty things you can think of. and im going to bed. or maybe, do something else. like stone.
im fatigued. i cant think. i cant be bothered to think. left the decision to be made by you. whatever is done, is done. whatever happens, happens. like i can care more than what i am. besides, of what position am i to care?
im jaded, pissed, and all those shitty things you can think of. and im going to bed. or maybe, do something else. like stone.
I messed this area @
00:09
00:09
o well, one can hardly expect a fairytale to happen. its not that i dont dare to anymore, i have passed that stage. the rest is up to you. heck, even so, i cant go against what you want. i freely allow ur decision to be made and i wont do anything to try and change it. its a decision of urs, and will remain so indefinitely.
but at least, one thing went right. my tv is now mu official monitor. hell, running on 800 x 600 resolution sucks, but at least i can read what i am typing. 525 lines, sheesh... cant it be like NTSC with 625 lines??? stingy bastards over at some authority, saying that we have to use PAL format... cos NTSC is too high for our usage. dammnit. haha, ok, cant complain abt that no more. but playing CS and MapleStory on the TV really is something new!!! wahahaha, my friends were like ' WTF?!?!?! ur using ur TV to play?!?!?!' LOL... i am that crazy...
o well, the hour is late, and im still not that zonked. maybe its cos the music playing off my laptop cum tv rig is soooo 'interesting'... LOL... i have a in-built subwoofer in the tv.. so the bass rocks!!
ahh, im not sure what to do next... and i've had it with playing for the day. in general, im confused, yet happy, yet sad. :\ haha... cant help it already.i've left the decision for others to decide, just like the old communist way. let the rest handle the bigger decisions while i ponder on the minor ones. when everyone is pondering on the same minor one as well. the truth will be known soon enough anyway. just like San Greal, and Sang Real.
but at least, one thing went right. my tv is now mu official monitor. hell, running on 800 x 600 resolution sucks, but at least i can read what i am typing. 525 lines, sheesh... cant it be like NTSC with 625 lines??? stingy bastards over at some authority, saying that we have to use PAL format... cos NTSC is too high for our usage. dammnit. haha, ok, cant complain abt that no more. but playing CS and MapleStory on the TV really is something new!!! wahahaha, my friends were like ' WTF?!?!?! ur using ur TV to play?!?!?!' LOL... i am that crazy...
o well, the hour is late, and im still not that zonked. maybe its cos the music playing off my laptop cum tv rig is soooo 'interesting'... LOL... i have a in-built subwoofer in the tv.. so the bass rocks!!
ahh, im not sure what to do next... and i've had it with playing for the day. in general, im confused, yet happy, yet sad. :\ haha... cant help it already.i've left the decision for others to decide, just like the old communist way. let the rest handle the bigger decisions while i ponder on the minor ones. when everyone is pondering on the same minor one as well. the truth will be known soon enough anyway. just like San Greal, and Sang Real.
I messed this area @
01:55
01:55
you know, life is somewhat strange. sometimes, the feeling that u get, is floating among the clouds, and yet sometimes, you are down on earth, where gravity doesnt let you go at any costs. the incomprehendible feeling of achievement and the utter feeling of despair. so unique, twined so perfectly. like yin and yang, it forms a perfect whole.
dont ask me where i got this from. haha, read more books and you'll know for yourself. but u[on reading the book, i was so surprised, although it gave some intruiging thoughts, those thoughts were asking a rethorical question. what if it was all a lie commited by someone high in position? the sercret kept so quiet and moving away when found. it sure was a baffaling book, that tells all tales.
but anyway, its been quite busy these few days. i had my work to do, and had some fun at the same time. now im not gonna complain about what had happened the previous day. but what i will say is this. 'If you have the ability to think such great and noble thoughts, you will not resort to these methods to achieve your aim. And of such, it irks me, whoever you represent. Becase you are asking others to pay for what you want to do. In addition, NOTE THIS. BC laws ! DONT ! APPLY TO NOW. Wake up fool. You tell that to me one more time, and i will tear your throat out. I swear to whoever you want that i will do that.'
and today, feeling bored, i was like, hmm, what can i do with my tv? haha, you wouldnt believe it, but i did this.
know what it is? basically, i was so bored that i went out to buy a s-video cable to RCA and an audio link cable to RW cable. with those, i made my TV my new monitor. lol... but the resolution sucks like hell. damn, what to expect with 525 lines nia... haha, but my 'speakers' rocks man!! woohoo~!~!~!
o well, its still early in the day, what else to do?? i really need to find a job otherwise i would go nits. literally. haha, i guess i'll log off for the time being to watch a movie...
Cheers!
dont ask me where i got this from. haha, read more books and you'll know for yourself. but u[on reading the book, i was so surprised, although it gave some intruiging thoughts, those thoughts were asking a rethorical question. what if it was all a lie commited by someone high in position? the sercret kept so quiet and moving away when found. it sure was a baffaling book, that tells all tales.
but anyway, its been quite busy these few days. i had my work to do, and had some fun at the same time. now im not gonna complain about what had happened the previous day. but what i will say is this. 'If you have the ability to think such great and noble thoughts, you will not resort to these methods to achieve your aim. And of such, it irks me, whoever you represent. Becase you are asking others to pay for what you want to do. In addition, NOTE THIS. BC laws ! DONT ! APPLY TO NOW. Wake up fool. You tell that to me one more time, and i will tear your throat out. I swear to whoever you want that i will do that.'
and today, feeling bored, i was like, hmm, what can i do with my tv? haha, you wouldnt believe it, but i did this.
know what it is? basically, i was so bored that i went out to buy a s-video cable to RCA and an audio link cable to RW cable. with those, i made my TV my new monitor. lol... but the resolution sucks like hell. damn, what to expect with 525 lines nia... haha, but my 'speakers' rocks man!! woohoo~!~!~!
o well, its still early in the day, what else to do?? i really need to find a job otherwise i would go nits. literally. haha, i guess i'll log off for the time being to watch a movie...
Cheers!
I messed this area @
16:28
16:28
i dont know what i am feeling now. its just a mix of emotions. i am unsure of myself. afraid of the hurt, and afraid to hurt as well. i want to care, to try again, but yet i am still hesistant. am i capable of it to make the first step? do i even have the ability to do so? i want to, but i question myself, what if i fail? i dont want to cause unnecessary harm to others. i am just confused here. i wish i knew how to deal with it. maybe, letting nature run its course is the better option. i have already revealed the thoughts, and its now just for you to act on it, and whatever the decision, i will respect it. heck, and now my mind is so blanked out, a tomb would look noisy. sheesh, i expected better from this... it'll take time, as all such things do.
I messed this area @
02:54
02:54
humans are such strange creatures. a creature of hope and invention. and now, we discover love. or more like, we just yearn for it. the companionship of the opposite gender. we find in it, a feeling termed love. what is this feeling? and surprisingly, love can cause hurt as well. hurt, unimaginable hurt, that pains you from the inside. and doesnt let go ever.
i know people, whom are perfectly happy with singlehood. and i know others, who seek the opposite gender rentlessly in the quest of love. is love really worth the heartbreak in the end? marraiges can last for years or decades, but how often does it happen? not that im singling out nor generalising. i give the benefit of the doubt that such things do exist. but humans, they seem so willing to go through this process of heartbreak in the search for their loved ones.
but is it really worth the time and effort, and if ur unlucky, to get stomped on in the end? does it justify the reason for getting into a relationship? so what if you are single for years on end? is the reason ever justified? you think so. in the spur of the moment, you justify everything, and i mean everything, just for love. is it a trap? a transparant trap at that? one that cannot be seen but felt as an aftershock?
what is it exactly that drives us to do such things? boredom? the mere feeling of companionship? i dont deny, the feeling is nice. but getting hurt in the end, is it nice as well? you answer that. you, as a person who controls your own thoughts and actions, should know your limits. i didnt know why either. and im just looking into thin air, with questions floating around in my brain. and i cant find a reason to counter all the questions either. make that not even one question. my mind is crushing in on itself, killing itself over the the mere job of finding a reason. and its getting nowhere.
i cannot comprehend this feeling. a feeling that i can do nothing, just letting nature run its path. but NO. i have to try and change the way things are. one cannot change the direction of the wind, but one can always adjust their sails. i just have to find out how. i NEED to find out how. before it gets the better of me. which it still hasnt, still at bay. of that, im still lucky.
i know people, whom are perfectly happy with singlehood. and i know others, who seek the opposite gender rentlessly in the quest of love. is love really worth the heartbreak in the end? marraiges can last for years or decades, but how often does it happen? not that im singling out nor generalising. i give the benefit of the doubt that such things do exist. but humans, they seem so willing to go through this process of heartbreak in the search for their loved ones.
but is it really worth the time and effort, and if ur unlucky, to get stomped on in the end? does it justify the reason for getting into a relationship? so what if you are single for years on end? is the reason ever justified? you think so. in the spur of the moment, you justify everything, and i mean everything, just for love. is it a trap? a transparant trap at that? one that cannot be seen but felt as an aftershock?
what is it exactly that drives us to do such things? boredom? the mere feeling of companionship? i dont deny, the feeling is nice. but getting hurt in the end, is it nice as well? you answer that. you, as a person who controls your own thoughts and actions, should know your limits. i didnt know why either. and im just looking into thin air, with questions floating around in my brain. and i cant find a reason to counter all the questions either. make that not even one question. my mind is crushing in on itself, killing itself over the the mere job of finding a reason. and its getting nowhere.
i cannot comprehend this feeling. a feeling that i can do nothing, just letting nature run its path. but NO. i have to try and change the way things are. one cannot change the direction of the wind, but one can always adjust their sails. i just have to find out how. i NEED to find out how. before it gets the better of me. which it still hasnt, still at bay. of that, im still lucky.
I messed this area @
00:38
00:38
shit, i just thought that i can leave it at that. i didnt think about the reprecussions. thinking i would be feeling fine. its just all a mask. a pretense.
to me, the world has lost its meaning. i think i am crazy. i just am so unsure of myself now. all i want in life is very simple. i have said it before. to love someone with my heart, and give my all. its all just so simple. how in hell did it ever get so damn complicated? how did life become so screwed up in the first place? i really dont know how.
i need the confidence. to give and take. drawing from each other, thats all there is. someone whom i can rely on, that i know i can use the confidence and make my way through the hard times. is it all that hard to undertstand? in short, its just love and confidence, being reciprocrated. was it all that hard to find out??? is it all that hard to achieve??? did you even know the real me before giving up? im full of exsperation. did it seem so big a challenge that it wasnt worth the effort? if i showed my true colors, would that have made the difference? of that, i wouldnt even bet any money on it.
you just dont know either do you? many think im a hardliner. like a political person, whom i play games with the political 'left' and 'right' and doing a tricky balancing act at the same time. truth is, im not. im really not all that hard to understand. my goals are simple. only i made the conception that i am a complexity within a complexity. and my curiousity didnt make things any better anyway.
God, i just pray, for something, somewhere, will come a ray of light to show how i can handle the monumental stress. its breaking me down, although no one sees it, its not that they cant. i choose not to let others see the internal workings. i never thought i would end up this way, screwing around with life like this.
to me, the world has lost its meaning. i think i am crazy. i just am so unsure of myself now. all i want in life is very simple. i have said it before. to love someone with my heart, and give my all. its all just so simple. how in hell did it ever get so damn complicated? how did life become so screwed up in the first place? i really dont know how.
i need the confidence. to give and take. drawing from each other, thats all there is. someone whom i can rely on, that i know i can use the confidence and make my way through the hard times. is it all that hard to undertstand? in short, its just love and confidence, being reciprocrated. was it all that hard to find out??? is it all that hard to achieve??? did you even know the real me before giving up? im full of exsperation. did it seem so big a challenge that it wasnt worth the effort? if i showed my true colors, would that have made the difference? of that, i wouldnt even bet any money on it.
you just dont know either do you? many think im a hardliner. like a political person, whom i play games with the political 'left' and 'right' and doing a tricky balancing act at the same time. truth is, im not. im really not all that hard to understand. my goals are simple. only i made the conception that i am a complexity within a complexity. and my curiousity didnt make things any better anyway.
God, i just pray, for something, somewhere, will come a ray of light to show how i can handle the monumental stress. its breaking me down, although no one sees it, its not that they cant. i choose not to let others see the internal workings. i never thought i would end up this way, screwing around with life like this.
I messed this area @
06:51
06:51
i finally got my laptop back. sure as hell suffered from internet deprivation. almost went crazy with boredom from the past week. i was thinking, my line of communication to those people was through the internet and i cannot access my email.
for me, i cannot formulate words easily. im better at expressing myself through letters. literal kind of person. and most of the time, what i feel and what i say, just doesnt seem to sound the same. maybe its becuase i dont know how to express it out. or maybe its something else. i dont know whether im just plain dumb and stupid, for not being able to say the simplest of things.
and worse still, i dont know if its too late to find out. ive had enough of drinking. it just gets boring after a while you know? not just that, it sure as hell is taking a toll on me.
yeah, emotions, they love to devour you from the inside. and slowly etch away what remains. the major 5 elements of emotions, they eat you and pain you slowly. hey, its all part and parcel of life isnt it? yeah right. it was supposed to be simpler and more painless than this! damnnit. there isnt a solution to life either. neither will the same path work for 2 people. everyone is just, well, different. different routes to travel, different twists and turns.
the admission of a mistake is the first step in rectifying the problem. i too, have my bad points. im not perfect. if anyone was, that would be God Himself. i search my ownself too. i am pained. what can i do? i ask myself countless times that same question till im sick of it. the reply is always the same monotonous NOTHING. i feel powerless, weak and unable to do anything. and all i hope, is for a different outlook.
sounds simple? its not all that simple if you try. but i remember this one thing, one can't fail to win, unless one fails to try.
for me, i cannot formulate words easily. im better at expressing myself through letters. literal kind of person. and most of the time, what i feel and what i say, just doesnt seem to sound the same. maybe its becuase i dont know how to express it out. or maybe its something else. i dont know whether im just plain dumb and stupid, for not being able to say the simplest of things.
and worse still, i dont know if its too late to find out. ive had enough of drinking. it just gets boring after a while you know? not just that, it sure as hell is taking a toll on me.
yeah, emotions, they love to devour you from the inside. and slowly etch away what remains. the major 5 elements of emotions, they eat you and pain you slowly. hey, its all part and parcel of life isnt it? yeah right. it was supposed to be simpler and more painless than this! damnnit. there isnt a solution to life either. neither will the same path work for 2 people. everyone is just, well, different. different routes to travel, different twists and turns.
the admission of a mistake is the first step in rectifying the problem. i too, have my bad points. im not perfect. if anyone was, that would be God Himself. i search my ownself too. i am pained. what can i do? i ask myself countless times that same question till im sick of it. the reply is always the same monotonous NOTHING. i feel powerless, weak and unable to do anything. and all i hope, is for a different outlook.
sounds simple? its not all that simple if you try. but i remember this one thing, one can't fail to win, unless one fails to try.
I messed this area @
05:21
05:21
lying down, memories from the past haunt me again. im not sure that the past will ever leave. in a way, these memories serve as a guride for futures actions. but hey, you dont do something wrong twice do you? maybe not. but you never know either do you?
you are who you are. but what is most important is acting correctly when the time comes. question: did you act correctly in that situation? did you respond in the appropriate fashion? especially in ethical situations, one has to respond with honesty. did you? or did you lie, play political games to gain an advantage? what can you gain by playing political games? popularity? i think not. those sharp enough will have understood already.
not everyone will do so. will one lie just to save three dollars? hell, most would. but would YOU like someone else to lie to YOU? of course not. personal gains, selfish as it is, drives people to do things against ethics. ive had enough of playing such games already. seeing it already irks me to the core.
life is full of it isnt it? like i can stop it. i wandered about the east past of the island today. looked at the planes in the air, and generally, observed everyone around. thought of getting down at east coast to look at the scenery, but decided not to. felt too tired already. besides, its all just a memory now. yeah, its just a memory. yeah right... i cannot change the past, but i can use the past and try to shape the future.
lol. can i do it? what if i screw up again? do i just put it as another experience down memory lane? anyway, time is the greatest equalizer for all such questions. and its late already, i want to turn in.
you are who you are. but what is most important is acting correctly when the time comes. question: did you act correctly in that situation? did you respond in the appropriate fashion? especially in ethical situations, one has to respond with honesty. did you? or did you lie, play political games to gain an advantage? what can you gain by playing political games? popularity? i think not. those sharp enough will have understood already.
not everyone will do so. will one lie just to save three dollars? hell, most would. but would YOU like someone else to lie to YOU? of course not. personal gains, selfish as it is, drives people to do things against ethics. ive had enough of playing such games already. seeing it already irks me to the core.
life is full of it isnt it? like i can stop it. i wandered about the east past of the island today. looked at the planes in the air, and generally, observed everyone around. thought of getting down at east coast to look at the scenery, but decided not to. felt too tired already. besides, its all just a memory now. yeah, its just a memory. yeah right... i cannot change the past, but i can use the past and try to shape the future.
lol. can i do it? what if i screw up again? do i just put it as another experience down memory lane? anyway, time is the greatest equalizer for all such questions. and its late already, i want to turn in.
I messed this area @
02:00
02:00
how interesting. im turning into a tv bum after my com broke down. watched tv till 7am. would you believe the PGA Tour at BellSouth? never did figure it was such an interesting game. not that i play it, but i needed to while away the time. game of 18, good enough to blow a couple of hours.
and suddenly, out of the blue, i asked myself why i hesistated in the first place. guilt? maybe. its hard to say y'know? im not saying its not, but it could be more than just that. how sure am i of it? what can one be sure of in this world? back during the Cold War, both sides were sure that a nuclear war was inevitable. they were wrong, werent they?
guilt makes one sharp, it makes on better. in a way, this is true. it will be true if, and note that this is a damn big if, one has the courage to look at guilt straight in the eye and stare it down. not letting it overpower emotions nor controlling them. guilt is a powerful force, having the ability to drive one to do things unimaginable.
only the cautious and intelligent know how to use guilt properly. neither can they master it, because guilt manifests itself in many forms. one can only adapt. apadaptabilty is the key. how to go about doing it? i understand the literal meaning of the phrase. and yes, it does sharpen me, but making me better? time will tell. maybe making myself better is in fact, adapting. did it take long for theorist to understand that one little fact?
im currently in no state to speak further. my mind is fatigued from stoning in front of the tv. golf, as with all sports, is a game that requires skill and patience. which now, i am too tired to comment more.
and suddenly, out of the blue, i asked myself why i hesistated in the first place. guilt? maybe. its hard to say y'know? im not saying its not, but it could be more than just that. how sure am i of it? what can one be sure of in this world? back during the Cold War, both sides were sure that a nuclear war was inevitable. they were wrong, werent they?
guilt makes one sharp, it makes on better. in a way, this is true. it will be true if, and note that this is a damn big if, one has the courage to look at guilt straight in the eye and stare it down. not letting it overpower emotions nor controlling them. guilt is a powerful force, having the ability to drive one to do things unimaginable.
only the cautious and intelligent know how to use guilt properly. neither can they master it, because guilt manifests itself in many forms. one can only adapt. apadaptabilty is the key. how to go about doing it? i understand the literal meaning of the phrase. and yes, it does sharpen me, but making me better? time will tell. maybe making myself better is in fact, adapting. did it take long for theorist to understand that one little fact?
im currently in no state to speak further. my mind is fatigued from stoning in front of the tv. golf, as with all sports, is a game that requires skill and patience. which now, i am too tired to comment more.
I messed this area @
07:01
07:01
great day. my laptop went broke on me, wasnt feeling great and now, i think im suffering from nicotine and alcohol deprivation. yeah, the signs are there. how much more beautiful can the day get? not that i can help it. cough not getting better, neither is my complexity making things better.
no one knows shit about me. its not that they dont care. they do. i just dont want to show it to them. i dont make it known to others. i am, after all, just a pawn in a game of chess. what am i to do? nothing. zilch. and i look at my cats, what perfect lives they lead. have shelter, food provided, no worries. but thats not the reason to life is it? neither is it the solution. i guess i got unlucky to get stuck as a human.
everyday is in essence, a torture. everything supersedes everything. with that, all are still on, technically, the same level. sound like rubbish? take a look at the world... its there for you to see, so open your damn eyes and eyeball it real close. and funny thing is, i noticed only one thing. the 2 things that the world runs on. FEAR AND AMBITION.
dont believe me? question yourself. you fear others, thats what makes you legs and brain move. your ambition to beat the fella next to you, that drives not only you, but world political leaders as well. examine what i said, you'll understand if you want to. these 2 simple things drive the world.
i dont wanna speak further. i need not say more. note that im not theorising on the basis of what life is built on. its just a simple statement of opinion. the real work is done by others more qualified.
no one knows shit about me. its not that they dont care. they do. i just dont want to show it to them. i dont make it known to others. i am, after all, just a pawn in a game of chess. what am i to do? nothing. zilch. and i look at my cats, what perfect lives they lead. have shelter, food provided, no worries. but thats not the reason to life is it? neither is it the solution. i guess i got unlucky to get stuck as a human.
everyday is in essence, a torture. everything supersedes everything. with that, all are still on, technically, the same level. sound like rubbish? take a look at the world... its there for you to see, so open your damn eyes and eyeball it real close. and funny thing is, i noticed only one thing. the 2 things that the world runs on. FEAR AND AMBITION.
dont believe me? question yourself. you fear others, thats what makes you legs and brain move. your ambition to beat the fella next to you, that drives not only you, but world political leaders as well. examine what i said, you'll understand if you want to. these 2 simple things drive the world.
i dont wanna speak further. i need not say more. note that im not theorising on the basis of what life is built on. its just a simple statement of opinion. the real work is done by others more qualified.
I messed this area @
02:23
02:23
its a long post. so forgive me. day started quite late. call it the tail end of the day. slept late and been drinking the night before. alcohol is supposed to cure coughs and colds. so much for vodka then. anyway, i woke up, and found a hell lot of messages on my screen. and found out friends wanted to go have steamboat. ok lor, i go... since i have nothing to do at home. why stay at home when you can go out and enjoy the day right?
by the way, try waking up and moving soon with a hangover. you'll like it lots. i have given up on panadol anyway. its just another drug to ease your pain. weird thing is, i enjoy the pain. surprisingly, the pain to me, is actually a relieve. call it crazy, i dont know. but it keeps me awake, and it tells me that im still alive. and i dont bother to complain anymore. kind of like the type to do it yourself and you take credit or failure by yourself. events change me into such a person. and im grateful for it. why complain? why take drug to ease the pain? when all in all, life is just a game. you make it, or you break it. but both ways, you arrive at the same point in life. its just how you play the game. and now, the pain is not an enemy, but a friend. call it an addiction.
went out to marina and met up with them. so go eat steamboat, crap a lot. succumbed to alcohol again, not because i want to. i need the alcohol to sleep. but damn damn damn, i got scammed out of the deal. they took most of the alcohol and i drank only one cup total, i think. i know my limits. and i keep well within them. im not expecting to drink till i drop. thats OTT ( over the top ). i just need to be blurry headed to get to sleep.
after dinner, went for a walk. walked near to benjamin shears bridge. started to think. not that i can do anything anyway. i cant do shit. hey, its not that i dont care. but, this is better left to my brain. strange thing is, walking along the path, the thoughts come into my head. you speculate all you want. this is locked away for good. but over at benjamin shears bridge, my mind went blank. just stared out at the sea, the lights and the scenery.
i didnt notice it at all in the first place. of course, the simplest things in life is always the hardest to find. for over 17 ( coming to 18 ) years, i havent noticed it until now. i feel shamed for being so ignorant. how could i have missed out God's work in my life? He had sacrificed Himself for me, and yet i turned the blind eye. i totally missed it. i enjoy His works daily, but yet i do not know. dont get me wrong, im not turning into a holy man. all im saying is that im grateful for all that he has done in my life. and there i sat, looking out at the night, stars, sea, scenery and the wonders of the world, and i thanked Him for all this.
all this is just what God gave. its up to one to understand it. and there, sitting along the shore, hearing the waves crashing against the shore itself, i made a prayer to Him. something which i have not done in quite a while. i prayed for His forgiveness in all that i have done, for His kind eyes to look down at me, and tell me that all is forgiven. i thanked for all that He has done, and all that i have receieved. i dont know if i will ever forget this. but the stark realization has opened my ignorant eyes. and i tell myself, that if he has given the ultimate sacrifice, i have my debt to repay too. and i continue to admire the scenery until it was time to go.
along the way home, i kept thinking. and this phrase came to me, 'Pride goeth before a fall'. is that what is holding me up? pride? if i can, i opt to lose the pride, take the fall, and pick myself up from where i fell and continue my journey. and i ask myself. do i dare to? i dont know. the first step is always the hardest. i tell myself that if i dont lose the pride, it will eat me up from inside. time is the factor here. i need time. i aint got time. move it or lose it doesnt apply here anymore. its do or die. which makes it look all the more bleak.
its all now a question of sanity and courage. do i dare to take that step into the unknown waters? the depth is unknown and the water, murky. and these now come into play. how far down does it go? does it have a stopping point even? crush depth is uncertain as well. what if i fall into an abyss? can i stop? what if i cannot even stop? do i keep falling further in? and even if i do stop, and find myself in an abyss, how am i supposed to get out of it? damn, its supposed to be easier than this! but it never was, was it? all they did was play down the facts and the answer was out all over the place. i cant even see whats below the waterline. the waters are clouded, and nothing is visible.
and finally, i make the decision. in the time i took to compose this ( which is quite a while), i made the decision. i have to take the risk. as big as the risk is, the rewards are also of the same magnitude. i will take that first step. i have to. the risk is great, and i am uncertain of myself. this is a barrier within me that i have to break. after all, life is just a game. it doesnt matter whether you win or lose. you still end up in the same spot later. its just how you play the game. thats all there is to it. and i will myself not to have second thoughts. it will only encourage a different course of action.
sometimes, just appreciate what you have. i see God's work and thank Him for it. you will have more for want, but can that appitite for want ever be fufilled? the answer is no. dont ask why, you'll never know. no one knows. its just plain greed. thats all. the real answer will be hidden somewhere, untouchable by all. you can do something about it. believe in that you have all that you want, and lose the appitite for more.
thats all that i have for today. its time to go already. and i have made that step... now, its all about continuing the journey.
Mr. P: my apologies. you'll get it soon enough. my word. 141930APR05. Ch3Sub28. -628-
by the way, try waking up and moving soon with a hangover. you'll like it lots. i have given up on panadol anyway. its just another drug to ease your pain. weird thing is, i enjoy the pain. surprisingly, the pain to me, is actually a relieve. call it crazy, i dont know. but it keeps me awake, and it tells me that im still alive. and i dont bother to complain anymore. kind of like the type to do it yourself and you take credit or failure by yourself. events change me into such a person. and im grateful for it. why complain? why take drug to ease the pain? when all in all, life is just a game. you make it, or you break it. but both ways, you arrive at the same point in life. its just how you play the game. and now, the pain is not an enemy, but a friend. call it an addiction.
went out to marina and met up with them. so go eat steamboat, crap a lot. succumbed to alcohol again, not because i want to. i need the alcohol to sleep. but damn damn damn, i got scammed out of the deal. they took most of the alcohol and i drank only one cup total, i think. i know my limits. and i keep well within them. im not expecting to drink till i drop. thats OTT ( over the top ). i just need to be blurry headed to get to sleep.
after dinner, went for a walk. walked near to benjamin shears bridge. started to think. not that i can do anything anyway. i cant do shit. hey, its not that i dont care. but, this is better left to my brain. strange thing is, walking along the path, the thoughts come into my head. you speculate all you want. this is locked away for good. but over at benjamin shears bridge, my mind went blank. just stared out at the sea, the lights and the scenery.
i didnt notice it at all in the first place. of course, the simplest things in life is always the hardest to find. for over 17 ( coming to 18 ) years, i havent noticed it until now. i feel shamed for being so ignorant. how could i have missed out God's work in my life? He had sacrificed Himself for me, and yet i turned the blind eye. i totally missed it. i enjoy His works daily, but yet i do not know. dont get me wrong, im not turning into a holy man. all im saying is that im grateful for all that he has done in my life. and there i sat, looking out at the night, stars, sea, scenery and the wonders of the world, and i thanked Him for all this.
all this is just what God gave. its up to one to understand it. and there, sitting along the shore, hearing the waves crashing against the shore itself, i made a prayer to Him. something which i have not done in quite a while. i prayed for His forgiveness in all that i have done, for His kind eyes to look down at me, and tell me that all is forgiven. i thanked for all that He has done, and all that i have receieved. i dont know if i will ever forget this. but the stark realization has opened my ignorant eyes. and i tell myself, that if he has given the ultimate sacrifice, i have my debt to repay too. and i continue to admire the scenery until it was time to go.
along the way home, i kept thinking. and this phrase came to me, 'Pride goeth before a fall'. is that what is holding me up? pride? if i can, i opt to lose the pride, take the fall, and pick myself up from where i fell and continue my journey. and i ask myself. do i dare to? i dont know. the first step is always the hardest. i tell myself that if i dont lose the pride, it will eat me up from inside. time is the factor here. i need time. i aint got time. move it or lose it doesnt apply here anymore. its do or die. which makes it look all the more bleak.
its all now a question of sanity and courage. do i dare to take that step into the unknown waters? the depth is unknown and the water, murky. and these now come into play. how far down does it go? does it have a stopping point even? crush depth is uncertain as well. what if i fall into an abyss? can i stop? what if i cannot even stop? do i keep falling further in? and even if i do stop, and find myself in an abyss, how am i supposed to get out of it? damn, its supposed to be easier than this! but it never was, was it? all they did was play down the facts and the answer was out all over the place. i cant even see whats below the waterline. the waters are clouded, and nothing is visible.
and finally, i make the decision. in the time i took to compose this ( which is quite a while), i made the decision. i have to take the risk. as big as the risk is, the rewards are also of the same magnitude. i will take that first step. i have to. the risk is great, and i am uncertain of myself. this is a barrier within me that i have to break. after all, life is just a game. it doesnt matter whether you win or lose. you still end up in the same spot later. its just how you play the game. thats all there is to it. and i will myself not to have second thoughts. it will only encourage a different course of action.
sometimes, just appreciate what you have. i see God's work and thank Him for it. you will have more for want, but can that appitite for want ever be fufilled? the answer is no. dont ask why, you'll never know. no one knows. its just plain greed. thats all. the real answer will be hidden somewhere, untouchable by all. you can do something about it. believe in that you have all that you want, and lose the appitite for more.
thats all that i have for today. its time to go already. and i have made that step... now, its all about continuing the journey.
Mr. P: my apologies. you'll get it soon enough. my word. 141930APR05. Ch3Sub28. -628-
I messed this area @
03:30
03:30
well, at least all is sorted out already. couldnt have a better timing. for better or for worse, right now, i cant bother already. im wasted... totally. not that i care either. lol. besides, i've been drinking and smoking, so what more can a little something else do? my liver is burnt, my lungs are weaker than they were 2 weeks ago, and i dont bother.
dont get me wrong. i still am living. its just that the attitude has changed. to what? like telling you will make the difference. what can you do? anyway, just remember what i said. all of this was just my doing. i chose this path, and i walk this road, and i alone am responsible for the consequences.
not that the world cares anyway. so like i said, i dont give a DAMN !....!
little footnote: actions never coincide with words, and thoughts never coincide with either. that is, if you ever get past the first sentence.
dont get me wrong. i still am living. its just that the attitude has changed. to what? like telling you will make the difference. what can you do? anyway, just remember what i said. all of this was just my doing. i chose this path, and i walk this road, and i alone am responsible for the consequences.
not that the world cares anyway. so like i said, i dont give a DAMN !....!
little footnote: actions never coincide with words, and thoughts never coincide with either. that is, if you ever get past the first sentence.
I messed this area @
03:05
03:05
nothing in this world makes sense anymore... my world is spinning out of control. where is salvation when you need it? it has deserted me, just like my feelings. devoid of them. strangely feeling that im just living a life with no aim, just wandering about and seeing but not recording. this isnt a video game here. there aint no restart button to start all over again. and the best thing is, there isnt a guide. no walkthrough, no cheats. life, the ultimate game, where you get only one chance, and if u screw it up, ur finished forever.
i wish there was a restart button. or maybe turning the game off totally is a better option. i dont know. im messed up, feeling like shit, and definitely not in the correct frame of mind to think properly. both know the correct thing to do, but at the same time, both are afraid to implement it. for what? for fear? for hopes? living seems to be a daily torture only. nothing else. if it could be more, it would be a miracle.
dont think it dumb that i may one day pull the plug on the game of life. i consider it, those who can do, do. those who cant, just back off. i dont want to be shaken no more. to feel this way, its an experience, but one not worth going through. after all that is said, i just wanna drift off, somewhere, maybe to some island where i am alone. or sail to the ends of the world in a yacht. only docking in port for refills on inventories. to cut the world out of my life, and be with the sea.
im in a losing war arent i? always the one on the losing end. maybe its because, i chose to be that way. u arent seeing it, but its there. in the darkness, away from your eyes, only visible to me.
i wish there was a restart button. or maybe turning the game off totally is a better option. i dont know. im messed up, feeling like shit, and definitely not in the correct frame of mind to think properly. both know the correct thing to do, but at the same time, both are afraid to implement it. for what? for fear? for hopes? living seems to be a daily torture only. nothing else. if it could be more, it would be a miracle.
dont think it dumb that i may one day pull the plug on the game of life. i consider it, those who can do, do. those who cant, just back off. i dont want to be shaken no more. to feel this way, its an experience, but one not worth going through. after all that is said, i just wanna drift off, somewhere, maybe to some island where i am alone. or sail to the ends of the world in a yacht. only docking in port for refills on inventories. to cut the world out of my life, and be with the sea.
im in a losing war arent i? always the one on the losing end. maybe its because, i chose to be that way. u arent seeing it, but its there. in the darkness, away from your eyes, only visible to me.
I messed this area @
15:11
15:11
drunk as usual... not overtly though... lol, guess after the exams are over, its time to enjoy. i took some time to compose this though. had problems focussing on the screen. vision is blurring. ahh, the feeling of alcohol hitting you.
well, PP paper sucks like shit, cos it was wayyyy toooooo hard... maybe cos i didnt study well enough, maybe i wasnt concentrating hard enough. careless mistakes, unconventional style of programming, thats what will kill me in the paper. o well, its over and its time to PARTY! thats why i got drunk again... lol.
anyways, im jamming as usual... mixing my tracks as insanely as i can, trying to forget about what i had conversed. need to forget it for the moment, to reflect and think again. im getting mixed feelings again, but thats all part of life isnt it?
but did you think i did not feel hurt? did you think i did not cry? did you think that i was immune to the harsh realities of your words? i now tell you, i am not all that you think i am. sheer willpower pushed thoughts pertaining to that into a corner of my brain, forcing myself to concentrate on my studies first. i told myself, i have to pick myself up from somewhere. and i need to try. even if it costs me my life, i'll die trying. in the hopes that i tried. you will come to know soon, what i truly think, as opposed to what i do.
and right now, i feel the need to crash. i have to care for my throat. considering the abuse the martell gave it. not to mention the cigarrettes... alcohol and nicotine, the 2 things that make you feel good, yet shorten your life at the same time.
well, PP paper sucks like shit, cos it was wayyyy toooooo hard... maybe cos i didnt study well enough, maybe i wasnt concentrating hard enough. careless mistakes, unconventional style of programming, thats what will kill me in the paper. o well, its over and its time to PARTY! thats why i got drunk again... lol.
anyways, im jamming as usual... mixing my tracks as insanely as i can, trying to forget about what i had conversed. need to forget it for the moment, to reflect and think again. im getting mixed feelings again, but thats all part of life isnt it?
but did you think i did not feel hurt? did you think i did not cry? did you think that i was immune to the harsh realities of your words? i now tell you, i am not all that you think i am. sheer willpower pushed thoughts pertaining to that into a corner of my brain, forcing myself to concentrate on my studies first. i told myself, i have to pick myself up from somewhere. and i need to try. even if it costs me my life, i'll die trying. in the hopes that i tried. you will come to know soon, what i truly think, as opposed to what i do.
and right now, i feel the need to crash. i have to care for my throat. considering the abuse the martell gave it. not to mention the cigarrettes... alcohol and nicotine, the 2 things that make you feel good, yet shorten your life at the same time.
I messed this area @
00:51
00:51