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Joce-lyn
All I yearn, is for the love of someone, coupled with the love from my sibling and parents. And to me, true love is when one sees an imperfect person perfectly. Which is what I see in you. The degree of the love that I have for you, I will learn from my past mistakes and make myself better for you. Just you. Then again, maybe I'm never the one. I'm not perfect, nor am I good in any sense.
Actions never coincide with words, and thoughts never coincide with either. That is, if you ever get past the first sentence.
its been a long time since i last blogged. sadly, its plainly that i have just forgot about my online diary. and neglecting to update it. well, its just that sch just started and im damned busy. like hell. im taking up ACDSA as an additional module and it sucks. my wednesdays are screwed up, spread from hell to breakfast. and its no return.
haha, theres nothing i can do. im just plain tired and all i wanna do is curl up and sleep. have a good rest in a quiet place and just sleep all this off. apparently, theres not much places that i can escape to. but im glad that i have found someone whom i care and love for. She is my world. my only world. and yes, im ashamed to say that sometimes, i take her for granted. and i pray that i will rid myself of this bad habit. and im trying. i treasure her for what she is to me and what she means to me.
she is more than a girl. she is a confidant, a friend, and most importantly, someone whom im willing to share my life with. and this i mean it. i pray to God to teach me true love and to love with all my heart, without any barriers nor obstacles.
ok, i had my say already. and i think, its about time to get ready to scoot to my next class. damn, 3 hours is a whole lotta time to burn, especially in the school library.
haha, theres nothing i can do. im just plain tired and all i wanna do is curl up and sleep. have a good rest in a quiet place and just sleep all this off. apparently, theres not much places that i can escape to. but im glad that i have found someone whom i care and love for. She is my world. my only world. and yes, im ashamed to say that sometimes, i take her for granted. and i pray that i will rid myself of this bad habit. and im trying. i treasure her for what she is to me and what she means to me.
she is more than a girl. she is a confidant, a friend, and most importantly, someone whom im willing to share my life with. and this i mean it. i pray to God to teach me true love and to love with all my heart, without any barriers nor obstacles.
ok, i had my say already. and i think, its about time to get ready to scoot to my next class. damn, 3 hours is a whole lotta time to burn, especially in the school library.
I messed this area @
14:36
14:36
Thanks to you Lord. Things have turned out for the better. And this prayer to you.
Father, Thanks for all that you have done in my life, and thanks for all that you are to me. For only you are the One and only Lord, and all shall see that only you can redeem. And Father, You have made me see that you are the Way, and the only Way. And that I will try my best to follow Your Way towards Heaven. Amen.
ok, prayer over. and now, i got thanks to my brain, i have stitches on my left middle finger. lols... 4 of them... total count of stitches on my entire body is now 8. 4 from the past, an additional 4 now. o well, call it accident prone. haha. but hey, im lucky to escape with my finger intact. Thanks to the Lord for that.
ok, im tired and i wanna sleep. or maybe finish my book. lol... nite all...
ok, prayer over. and now, i got thanks to my brain, i have stitches on my left middle finger. lols... 4 of them... total count of stitches on my entire body is now 8. 4 from the past, an additional 4 now. o well, call it accident prone. haha. but hey, im lucky to escape with my finger intact. Thanks to the Lord for that.
ok, im tired and i wanna sleep. or maybe finish my book. lol... nite all...
I messed this area @
00:35
00:35
what am i supposed to think now? damnit, its hell all over again. C'est la Vie. i cant help it. i have to make things clear before it goes any further. if i did not do so, the hurt would be more than ever. and if you are not clear in this, then there is no point carrying on. i have said so many times. and i stand by my words, not leaving you for others, nor letting you go to others if they want so. unless u say the word, then i will let go.
Mr. G, mark my words. harm like that again, and you will be near death. to those who know, inform him.
im waiting..... and still waiting..... and still waiting.....
Mr. G, mark my words. harm like that again, and you will be near death. to those who know, inform him.
I messed this area @
23:01
23:01
in another shitty state again. what the hell... took a long walk home from NUS area. damn, still didnt clear my mind. HEY, its not like some shitty crappy kinda HDD that you can format as and when u want. or so i wish. i really need to clear it out of my mind.
i talked. i made that decision, for i said that should any problem, suspicions yada yada arise, we talk. no holds barred, and no suspicion so as not to put excess strain. smart idea... real smart. in the end, words are the most lethal weapon ever produced and seen AND heard on the face of this damnable world. like hell it is. it sure is ruining my day like no nuclear war ever can. doesnt really matter does it? im just too tired from all the thinking. i just try and sort out my thoughts to pray, dammit, i cant even sort, much less pray. ITS NOT HIM NOT RECEIVING, ITS ME NOT TRANSMITTING. heck, i cant think of how to solve it.
and its the same old shit all over again, here i am, sitting on the electrified chain linked fence, waiting for the 5 MT thermonuclear device to drop on my head. some say overkill, i say being sure, 500 times over. there isnt any indication on which side i will fall on, and either way, the landing on either side isnt pretty news either. it just means hell on both sides, figuratively speaking.
i wish i knew what to do. i already said what i needed to say, and just moved out from there. the rest is up to you. you make the call, then i decide the next move i'll make. damn, it sure sounds like a bloody chess game here. one move at a time, and wait... and see again, and move and wait. the wait is killing me, and the suspense is really tearing at the edges... hell, i guess i'll go sleep. snooze some time away.
i talked. i made that decision, for i said that should any problem, suspicions yada yada arise, we talk. no holds barred, and no suspicion so as not to put excess strain. smart idea... real smart. in the end, words are the most lethal weapon ever produced and seen AND heard on the face of this damnable world. like hell it is. it sure is ruining my day like no nuclear war ever can. doesnt really matter does it? im just too tired from all the thinking. i just try and sort out my thoughts to pray, dammit, i cant even sort, much less pray. ITS NOT HIM NOT RECEIVING, ITS ME NOT TRANSMITTING. heck, i cant think of how to solve it.
and its the same old shit all over again, here i am, sitting on the electrified chain linked fence, waiting for the 5 MT thermonuclear device to drop on my head. some say overkill, i say being sure, 500 times over. there isnt any indication on which side i will fall on, and either way, the landing on either side isnt pretty news either. it just means hell on both sides, figuratively speaking.
i wish i knew what to do. i already said what i needed to say, and just moved out from there. the rest is up to you. you make the call, then i decide the next move i'll make. damn, it sure sounds like a bloody chess game here. one move at a time, and wait... and see again, and move and wait. the wait is killing me, and the suspense is really tearing at the edges... hell, i guess i'll go sleep. snooze some time away.
I messed this area @
19:27
19:27
Funny. I dont feel human no more. wahahaha... true in a way. Look at it this way. Im just, er, inhuman now? Mr. G... interesting. how can you do this?? You tell me. My eyes are wide open at the atrocity that you have caused.
You make the choice, and I will just back off real quiet and move away. How abt that? your words are more lethal than nutmeg inject intraveneously. Trust me on that. maybe i'll try that when i feel that im done with this. i dont know, and i dont care already. im finished with thinking. and now, i just leave it up to you. whatever you want to do, you do. i cant care, and i wont care until you tell me to.
most likely, i am too tired to contemplate already. im kinda in too deep, too deep to change, too deep to try and claw my way out. im done with drinking too. lol... o well, reality bites big time. haha... at least i got to understand it better and now, im just trying to catch the speeding bullet thats aimed at me. make it a speeding train. harder to miss, dont you think? ok, i sound 'somewhat' suicidal. LOL.
Mr G, you bloody SOB. think with your big brain. And make the damn proper move. it'll make my day anyway. and i'll be happy to hear your decision. to ease my suspicion. to hell with it. im not thinking anymore. man, its been some time since i've felt this way. WOOHOO... man, i miss this feeling. its like, going with the flow yea? whatever happens, happens. whatever goes, goes. and best thing is, its like playing russian roulette. literally. LOL. damn, its gonna be a damn nice ride. and you never know when the bullet will be yours. *crosses fingers*
LOOK OUT.
You make the choice, and I will just back off real quiet and move away. How abt that? your words are more lethal than nutmeg inject intraveneously. Trust me on that. maybe i'll try that when i feel that im done with this. i dont know, and i dont care already. im finished with thinking. and now, i just leave it up to you. whatever you want to do, you do. i cant care, and i wont care until you tell me to.
most likely, i am too tired to contemplate already. im kinda in too deep, too deep to change, too deep to try and claw my way out. im done with drinking too. lol... o well, reality bites big time. haha... at least i got to understand it better and now, im just trying to catch the speeding bullet thats aimed at me. make it a speeding train. harder to miss, dont you think? ok, i sound 'somewhat' suicidal. LOL.
Mr G, you bloody SOB. think with your big brain. And make the damn proper move. it'll make my day anyway. and i'll be happy to hear your decision. to ease my suspicion. to hell with it. im not thinking anymore. man, its been some time since i've felt this way. WOOHOO... man, i miss this feeling. its like, going with the flow yea? whatever happens, happens. whatever goes, goes. and best thing is, its like playing russian roulette. literally. LOL. damn, its gonna be a damn nice ride. and you never know when the bullet will be yours. *crosses fingers*
I messed this area @
00:21
00:21
its really been quite hectic. so much things to do, and im kinda stressed in a way. have to teach tuition and make sure that the point is thru... if u reading this Jo, dun mind la hah? lols... conk out in the early morning, then say can sleep at 3am... kaoz, in the end, i gotta wake u up...
but its all right la, i get to relax in the morning while she goes off to take her exams in the morning. and woohoo... i got the whole house to myself. yeaaaaa right.....
-i feel more secure knowing after a talk. meaning that i understand what u said and i understand ur actions better. its not easy to see what has gone this way, but the lines of communications are there.-
but its all right la, i get to relax in the morning while she goes off to take her exams in the morning. and woohoo... i got the whole house to myself. yeaaaaa right.....
-i feel more secure knowing after a talk. meaning that i understand what u said and i understand ur actions better. its not easy to see what has gone this way, but the lines of communications are there.-
I messed this area @
10:10
10:10
im kinda weirded out. i dont know why. i just feel in a daze all of a sudden and i dont feel normal at all. i mean, the whirl of emotions just kind of lost out on me. and im pretty lost myself. what can i do? im not sure that i can do anything. its not that im thinking crazy thoughts. i know myself better than that. but the ideas float about and hints are in my face all of a sudden. not that i know why either.
and im gripped with fear. of what i have heard. i was taken aback. i know that circumstances do not allow an easy going path, but how does it turn out like this? i just am so uncertain. but you put a promise in front of yourself and me. and i trust that you will live up to that promise. not only that, but the promise of keeping communications crystal clear. as clear as the day blue sky. so much for liberalism.
am i in too deep? have i delved too deep all of a sudden? i think i chose to. i know i chose to. paranioa is kicking in and im torn in between. im trying to shove it out of my mind, trying to kick it away. because of the fact that we communicated, and you held up your end of the promise. i should keep my end up and hold it at face value, not holding suspecting and degrading thoughts about what was said.
i believe firmly in the trust that He has put in me. and for the trust that YOU have earned from me. and i hope that the trust between us will not fail. for i give you my word, all such thoughts will perish after the talk. and i hope that, i too, have earned your trust in me. and we have made a pact not to even consider giving the ultimatum under any circumstances before clarification to decide the next step.
i had my say, and i have heard your part of the story. never assume the trust and always clarify the situation under all instances. that is what i believe in, and i hope you share the same thoughts as me. mentality wise, you are thinking on the right frequency. forgive me if i sound foreboding. it was not meant to sound this way. it was just a simple stand of opinion. and hearing yours, we compromise.
and im gripped with fear. of what i have heard. i was taken aback. i know that circumstances do not allow an easy going path, but how does it turn out like this? i just am so uncertain. but you put a promise in front of yourself and me. and i trust that you will live up to that promise. not only that, but the promise of keeping communications crystal clear. as clear as the day blue sky. so much for liberalism.
am i in too deep? have i delved too deep all of a sudden? i think i chose to. i know i chose to. paranioa is kicking in and im torn in between. im trying to shove it out of my mind, trying to kick it away. because of the fact that we communicated, and you held up your end of the promise. i should keep my end up and hold it at face value, not holding suspecting and degrading thoughts about what was said.
i believe firmly in the trust that He has put in me. and for the trust that YOU have earned from me. and i hope that the trust between us will not fail. for i give you my word, all such thoughts will perish after the talk. and i hope that, i too, have earned your trust in me. and we have made a pact not to even consider giving the ultimatum under any circumstances before clarification to decide the next step.
i had my say, and i have heard your part of the story. never assume the trust and always clarify the situation under all instances. that is what i believe in, and i hope you share the same thoughts as me. mentality wise, you are thinking on the right frequency. forgive me if i sound foreboding. it was not meant to sound this way. it was just a simple stand of opinion. and hearing yours, we compromise.
I messed this area @
11:22
11:22
arghh.. im in a dilemna. its so hard to make the decision. i mean, not to say anything, its hard to solve it out. i made a choice to move on and not dwell in the past. its not worth it. and times change, people change. it could turn for the better, as it can turn for the worst just as easy. im trying my best. but is it really helping?
i had a talk, but it seemed that it didnt work out. but in the end, it was put down to nature taking its course. im happy in a sense that it turns out this way. and i hope that faith will keep us alive. i just pray for that. its too early to say anything now. i cant be sure.
i dont know what to do. both tell me the same thing. and it wasnt my fault either. different personalities, different styles. so it results in a conflict of some sort. the conflict, of course, was civilised. thank God for it. and i just pray for things to be better. just as the lost sheep has returned.
i had a talk, but it seemed that it didnt work out. but in the end, it was put down to nature taking its course. im happy in a sense that it turns out this way. and i hope that faith will keep us alive. i just pray for that. its too early to say anything now. i cant be sure.
i dont know what to do. both tell me the same thing. and it wasnt my fault either. different personalities, different styles. so it results in a conflict of some sort. the conflict, of course, was civilised. thank God for it. and i just pray for things to be better. just as the lost sheep has returned.
I messed this area @
02:54
02:54