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Joce-lyn
All I yearn, is for the love of someone, coupled with the love from my sibling and parents. And to me, true love is when one sees an imperfect person perfectly. Which is what I see in you. The degree of the love that I have for you, I will learn from my past mistakes and make myself better for you. Just you. Then again, maybe I'm never the one. I'm not perfect, nor am I good in any sense.
Actions never coincide with words, and thoughts never coincide with either. That is, if you ever get past the first sentence.
wah lau eh...
its really crazy now. oh well, i just put my name in, and hopefully, i would be able to hit Black Gold. the extra money is just a bonus to me, should i be chosen. i hope i get chosen, then at least i know that i will be able to tide through the hard times should they come.
i need to know. im keen to go. to hell with everything that has gone wrong in my life. its not improving, but im learning to make the best out of it. well, life was never perfect in the first place. we'll see what comes along and i'll handle it case by case. rules dont apply no more.
Deep Blue Something - Breakfast At Tiffany's
You'll say "Weve got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And were falling apart"
Youll say "The world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
But i know you just dont care"
Chorus
I said "What about breakfast at Tiffanys?"
She said "I think i remember the film"
And as i recall laughing we both kinda liked it
And i said well thats one thing we've got
I see you, the only one who knew me
Now your eyes see through me
I guess I was wrong
So what now? It's plain to see we're over
And i hate when things are over
When so much is left undone
And I said "What about breakfast at Tiffanys?"
She said "I think i remember the film"
And as i recall laughing we both kinda liked it
And i said well thats one thing we've got.
Dont say that we've got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And we're falling apart
You'll say the world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
Still i know you just dont care.
And I said "What about breakfast at Tiffanys?"
She said "I think i remember the film"
And as i recall laughing we both kinda liked it
And i said well thats one thing we've got.
its really crazy now. oh well, i just put my name in, and hopefully, i would be able to hit Black Gold. the extra money is just a bonus to me, should i be chosen. i hope i get chosen, then at least i know that i will be able to tide through the hard times should they come.
i need to know. im keen to go. to hell with everything that has gone wrong in my life. its not improving, but im learning to make the best out of it. well, life was never perfect in the first place. we'll see what comes along and i'll handle it case by case. rules dont apply no more.
Deep Blue Something - Breakfast At Tiffany's
You'll say "Weve got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And were falling apart"
Youll say "The world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
But i know you just dont care"
Chorus
I said "What about breakfast at Tiffanys?"
She said "I think i remember the film"
And as i recall laughing we both kinda liked it
And i said well thats one thing we've got
I see you, the only one who knew me
Now your eyes see through me
I guess I was wrong
So what now? It's plain to see we're over
And i hate when things are over
When so much is left undone
And I said "What about breakfast at Tiffanys?"
She said "I think i remember the film"
And as i recall laughing we both kinda liked it
And i said well thats one thing we've got.
Dont say that we've got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And we're falling apart
You'll say the world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
Still i know you just dont care.
And I said "What about breakfast at Tiffanys?"
She said "I think i remember the film"
And as i recall laughing we both kinda liked it
And i said well thats one thing we've got.
I messed this area @
22:50
22:50
duty calls. Report to camp tomorrow for guard duty. well, its part and parcel of SAF. and yeah, im kinda looking forward to it but not to something else. thats life aint it. its got its ups and downs. you gotta take the good with the bad. and sometimes with the ugly.
aint it a bitch. DRAW ARMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
aint it a bitch. DRAW ARMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I messed this area @
00:18
00:18
my knee still hurts sometimes. and worst of all, i still cant do the half lunge position. darn... and MMI appointment is coming up on december. gotta get well ASAP... im not giving up. not yet. not now. not ever. i wanna achieve something in NS.
and now, im torn between going for overseas posting or recourse in BMT should i be given the chance. the chance for overseas posting is available now. should i grab it and go? or should i wait for something better to come my way? decisions decisions...
and now, im torn between going for overseas posting or recourse in BMT should i be given the chance. the chance for overseas posting is available now. should i grab it and go? or should i wait for something better to come my way? decisions decisions...
I messed this area @
17:21
17:21
wahahaha... its another boring day in OETI... havent been listening in class, have been stoning and sleeping...
oh man... if it continues like this, im a gonna fail... what to do what to do...
luckily for me, my computer unit has internet access... thus being able to blog right now... otherwise, i would be darned right bored... insanely gone and stoned to the max. in any case, my brain would be fried and irreplaceable... life is good now...
oh man... if it continues like this, im a gonna fail... what to do what to do...
luckily for me, my computer unit has internet access... thus being able to blog right now... otherwise, i would be darned right bored... insanely gone and stoned to the max. in any case, my brain would be fried and irreplaceable... life is good now...
I messed this area @
15:03
15:03
this is the harginer of finality. it is the ultimate call. the make or break point.
the push, the pull. the rejection, the gain. the high and the low.
we will see where this road will lead. it has been paved, it will be travelled.
the push, the pull. the rejection, the gain. the high and the low.
we will see where this road will lead. it has been paved, it will be travelled.
I messed this area @
18:35
18:35
its sooo boring in class... i cant believe it... learning back the basics of TCP/IP... yawnnnz.................................
fucking random bullshit is running through my mind today... wahahahah... got nothing to do tonight. wonder how i will spend my time... lets see...
fucking random bullshit is running through my mind today... wahahahah... got nothing to do tonight. wonder how i will spend my time... lets see...
I messed this area @
14:40
14:40
recently joined facebook... dunno what the hell im doing actually. it seems like a complete mess and i have absolutely no freaking idea what im clicking. CLICK. oops. did i just make a mistake somewhere or other? another CLICK. whoops. did i just add or delete an application?
damn. its really driving me up the wall. till i Uncyclopedia-ed it. and i found my answer at long last.
~~~
Facebook is a highly modified MySpace profile, and a mutation of the LiveJournal virus that infects people who consider themselves "way too cool" to have a Myspace. Its precise origins are unknown, but it has been hypothesized that the Facebook mutation occurred after the LiveJournal virus was exposed to a form of delta-radiation known as Internet pretention. Its initial spreading is attributed to the American Stalker's Union. It is mainly intended for clinically depressed teenage wanabees, and co-morbidity with the MySpace virus is fairly consistent.
~~~
read the whole page here: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Facebook
but yeah, partied hard through this weekend. thanks to friends, i found my standing moment and decided to pick up again and move. move where, i have yet to figure out. but at least i threw myself a headstart and gave myself a fighting chance. its early to say, but yeahhh... *twinkles*
damn. its really driving me up the wall. till i Uncyclopedia-ed it. and i found my answer at long last.
~~~
Facebook is a highly modified MySpace profile, and a mutation of the LiveJournal virus that infects people who consider themselves "way too cool" to have a Myspace. Its precise origins are unknown, but it has been hypothesized that the Facebook mutation occurred after the LiveJournal virus was exposed to a form of delta-radiation known as Internet pretention. Its initial spreading is attributed to the American Stalker's Union. It is mainly intended for clinically depressed teenage wanabees, and co-morbidity with the MySpace virus is fairly consistent.
~~~
read the whole page here: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Facebook
but yeah, partied hard through this weekend. thanks to friends, i found my standing moment and decided to pick up again and move. move where, i have yet to figure out. but at least i threw myself a headstart and gave myself a fighting chance. its early to say, but yeahhh... *twinkles*
I messed this area @
22:58
22:58
sorry guys... i sucked last night at the party... totally in the can was what i would call it.
one thing to note: dont wake me up when im drunk sleeping already. it happened a lot of times and my habit is to puke more. i dont know why, but yeah. thats me...
one thing to note: dont wake me up when im drunk sleeping already. it happened a lot of times and my habit is to puke more. i dont know why, but yeah. thats me...
I messed this area @
22:02
22:02
it doesnt have to be me. doesnt thought processes use logic to make the decisions? but its not exactly fair either is it? well, fair aint worth shit in this world... if the world was fair, the world would be square. to hell with everything that has gone wrong...
I messed this area @
23:51
23:51
its pure bull. i cant do it and you know it. leave off on it and i'll be fine.
let the past rest. a new dawn is approaching and things will be done in a different unconventional way. and its all i can do to hope that things will work out all right.
the run has finally stopped. not because of anything. but its more of a choice. i've got to take control and stop the spinning. its continuing because i allowed it to. no more. its time to take my own medicine and resume writing my book the way i want it to be. im not giving up.
let the past rest. a new dawn is approaching and things will be done in a different unconventional way. and its all i can do to hope that things will work out all right.
the run has finally stopped. not because of anything. but its more of a choice. i've got to take control and stop the spinning. its continuing because i allowed it to. no more. its time to take my own medicine and resume writing my book the way i want it to be. im not giving up.
I messed this area @
23:35
23:35
蔡昮佑 - 我可以
寄没有地址的信
这样的情绪有种距离
你放着谁的歌曲
是怎样的心情
能不能说给我听
雨下得好安静
是不是你偷偷在哭泣
幸福真的不容易
在你的背景有我爱你
我可以陪你去看星星
不用再多说明
我就要和你在一起
我不想又再一次和你分离
我多么想每一次的美丽
是因为你
寄没有地址的信
这样的情绪有种距离
你放着谁的歌曲
是怎样的心情
能不能说给我听
雨下得好安静
是不是你偷偷在哭泣
幸福真的不容易
在你的背景有我爱你
我可以陪你去看星星
不用再多说明
我就要和你在一起
我不想又再一次和你分离
我多么想每一次的美丽
是因为你
I messed this area @
11:23
11:23
Reminiscing is good for the heart and soul. Too bad it brings along memories both good and bad. Well, things can always be learnt from past experiences.
James Blunt - 1973
Simona
You're getting older
Your journey's been
Etched on your skin
Simona
Wish I had known that
We seemed so strong
We've been there and gone
I will call you up everyday Saturday night
And we both stayed out 'til the morning light
And we sang, "Here we go again"
And though time goes by
I will always be
In a club with you
In 1973
Singing "Here we go again"
Simona
Wish I was sober
So I could see clearly now
The rain has gone
Simona
I guess it's over
My memory plays our tune
The same old song
I will call you up everyday Saturday night
And we both stayed out 'til the morning light
And we sang, "Here we go again"
And though time goes by
I will always be
In a club with you
In 1973
Singing "Here we go again"
I will call you up everyday Saturday night
And we both stayed out 'til the morning light
And we sang, "Here we go again"
And though time goes by
I will always be
In a club with you
In 1973
Singing "Here we go again"
I will call you up everyday Saturday night
And we both stayed out 'til the morning light
And we sang, "Here we go again"
And though time goes by
I will always be
In a club with you
In 1973
Singing "Here we go again"
And though time goes by
I will always be
In a club with you
In 1973
James Blunt - 1973
Simona
You're getting older
Your journey's been
Etched on your skin
Simona
Wish I had known that
We seemed so strong
We've been there and gone
I will call you up everyday Saturday night
And we both stayed out 'til the morning light
And we sang, "Here we go again"
And though time goes by
I will always be
In a club with you
In 1973
Singing "Here we go again"
Simona
Wish I was sober
So I could see clearly now
The rain has gone
Simona
I guess it's over
My memory plays our tune
The same old song
I will call you up everyday Saturday night
And we both stayed out 'til the morning light
And we sang, "Here we go again"
And though time goes by
I will always be
In a club with you
In 1973
Singing "Here we go again"
I will call you up everyday Saturday night
And we both stayed out 'til the morning light
And we sang, "Here we go again"
And though time goes by
I will always be
In a club with you
In 1973
Singing "Here we go again"
I will call you up everyday Saturday night
And we both stayed out 'til the morning light
And we sang, "Here we go again"
And though time goes by
I will always be
In a club with you
In 1973
Singing "Here we go again"
And though time goes by
I will always be
In a club with you
In 1973
I messed this area @
01:42
01:42
you have got to be shitting me. its dirt ass boring at home! geez... and to think that the warrant did not allow me to go back to camp before my MC ends when i called him about it. i just cant stand doing nothing with my time. and most importantly, when im idle at rest too.
nah bu eh... really cannot make it through the day. im still trying to amuse myself, but kinda failing real bad. but hell, if the doc gives me these days as MC, its useless. im still feeling like im on a freaking boat that is on a choppy sea. wonderful feeling i have here.
the meds dont work, the rest dont work, nothing works. i get a spaced out feeling too. its like i feel detached from myself and im just looking through this pair of eyes solely for the sake of vision. man... amazing shit i have here. well, i dont care much already. what happens, happens.
nah bu eh... really cannot make it through the day. im still trying to amuse myself, but kinda failing real bad. but hell, if the doc gives me these days as MC, its useless. im still feeling like im on a freaking boat that is on a choppy sea. wonderful feeling i have here.
the meds dont work, the rest dont work, nothing works. i get a spaced out feeling too. its like i feel detached from myself and im just looking through this pair of eyes solely for the sake of vision. man... amazing shit i have here. well, i dont care much already. what happens, happens.
I messed this area @
12:58
12:58
i dreamt of weird shit last night. like really weird. omg... something is difinitely wrong with my brain.
and now, im a prisoner at home. literally. i cannot go out cos if SAF calls and i dont pick up the phone, i can get charged with some shit or other. well, nuts... really nuts... whatever. im still feeling like im on a boat or something. to hell with it.
i wanna go out and get some stuff, but now, argh... guess it would have to wait till next week. or maybe i can call up the warrant and ask for permission to get it. well, we'll see how it goes... since i got the free time and such, no point wasting it. seek and you will find, ask and you will receive, knock and the door shall be opened to you. yeah... i'll call maybe on tuesday. when im feeling better. on the definitive note. lols...
and now, im a prisoner at home. literally. i cannot go out cos if SAF calls and i dont pick up the phone, i can get charged with some shit or other. well, nuts... really nuts... whatever. im still feeling like im on a boat or something. to hell with it.
i wanna go out and get some stuff, but now, argh... guess it would have to wait till next week. or maybe i can call up the warrant and ask for permission to get it. well, we'll see how it goes... since i got the free time and such, no point wasting it. seek and you will find, ask and you will receive, knock and the door shall be opened to you. yeah... i'll call maybe on tuesday. when im feeling better. on the definitive note. lols...
I messed this area @
14:28
14:28
worrisome days just passed. thanks to a whole lot of shit, i got myself hospitalised in Alexandra Hospital. lucky for me, it was just one day worth of hospitalisation. but its bad enough already. i dont really like staying in a hospital, and the feeling sucks.
the wake up calls in the middle of the night to take my temperature and blood pressure is insane! why, for the love of god, would you take my BP in the middle of the night? let the frigging patient rest and recuperate! not interrupt his sleep for some jackass reason!
its total madness. the diagnosis comes out, im cleared from the CT scan of my brain. ENT will have to wait to see what they say. temporary diagnosis is Vestibular Neuronitis. whatever the hell it means, it just means that i got vertigo and it affects my nervous system.
screw all the big words. im not a fan of them. i just need to know what is affecting me, how its affecting me, how i can get well in the shortest fastest possible way. simple way to live eh? yeah... if it progresses further, it would upgrade to Meniere's Disease. b-e-a-utiful.
so coincidental. so fateful. so ironic. i didnt think that i would suffer from all these in the past. guess i was proven wrong. and no shit im proven wrong all right. sometimes, i really think. and i pray it isnt the case. is God making a fool out of me?
the wake up calls in the middle of the night to take my temperature and blood pressure is insane! why, for the love of god, would you take my BP in the middle of the night? let the frigging patient rest and recuperate! not interrupt his sleep for some jackass reason!
its total madness. the diagnosis comes out, im cleared from the CT scan of my brain. ENT will have to wait to see what they say. temporary diagnosis is Vestibular Neuronitis. whatever the hell it means, it just means that i got vertigo and it affects my nervous system.
screw all the big words. im not a fan of them. i just need to know what is affecting me, how its affecting me, how i can get well in the shortest fastest possible way. simple way to live eh? yeah... if it progresses further, it would upgrade to Meniere's Disease. b-e-a-utiful.
so coincidental. so fateful. so ironic. i didnt think that i would suffer from all these in the past. guess i was proven wrong. and no shit im proven wrong all right. sometimes, i really think. and i pray it isnt the case. is God making a fool out of me?
I messed this area @
00:37
00:37
dont give me that bullshit. its pure bull and you know it. im looking for solutions, not some snazzy fazzy ideas that gives just buys time. i dont want to waste the time away, not after the inevitable has happened. if you cant lead, follow. if you cant follow, get out of the way.
no one can help me on this. no one. im trying my best, but my best isnt enough. im at a loss of what to do. im torn in between logical and what my heart wants to do. the mess is superb. its nothing i have ever seen before in my 20 years. utterly stunning.
but hey, im still alive and that is what counts. im happy. im blessed. i pray for the best now. i cant do much except to play it by ear. if matters take a turn for the worse, im still not giving up. shattered though i may be, giving up is not an option.
i live by my words and my morals. what i perceive could be my own illusion to a path of further destruction. then at least, the fault would be mine and mine alone. i write my life book and no one else can write it out for me. going alone is not a new thing to me either...
anyway, isnt life supposed to be beautiful? SUPPOSED. im trying to look on the lighter side of things now, but my nature is just to be serious most of the time. thanks to my friends at OETI, im laughing more. somehow, the laugh will still stop at my lips and not move further.
no one can help me on this. no one. im trying my best, but my best isnt enough. im at a loss of what to do. im torn in between logical and what my heart wants to do. the mess is superb. its nothing i have ever seen before in my 20 years. utterly stunning.
but hey, im still alive and that is what counts. im happy. im blessed. i pray for the best now. i cant do much except to play it by ear. if matters take a turn for the worse, im still not giving up. shattered though i may be, giving up is not an option.
i live by my words and my morals. what i perceive could be my own illusion to a path of further destruction. then at least, the fault would be mine and mine alone. i write my life book and no one else can write it out for me. going alone is not a new thing to me either...
anyway, isnt life supposed to be beautiful? SUPPOSED. im trying to look on the lighter side of things now, but my nature is just to be serious most of the time. thanks to my friends at OETI, im laughing more. somehow, the laugh will still stop at my lips and not move further.
I messed this area @
21:38
21:38
i've sacrificed so much, yet gained so little in life. is this what my life is meant to be? im thinking that im just here on earth to pass the time away. what a way to blow 20 years. no shit... the 20 years could have been given to someone else to put it to much better use.
then again, i gained a shitload of experience, so im happy. haha... but yeah, im happy with life. or what it has given me. i experience what i wanted, what i could, and what i yearned for. its more than sufficient. life gets a bit boring after that then...
now, if only i can own a car. but then, it would be too expensive to own one now. i dont happen to have a million dollars so that i can just own a car comfortably. but hey, no loss... what you cant have, you just cant and count your blessings that you have something else in place.
Matchbox 20 - How Far We've Come
Hello
Hello
Hello
I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world,
But its feeling just like every other morning before,
Now i wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour if that
And I started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?
But i believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well i guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, i guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
I think it turned ten o'clock but i don't really know
Then i can't remember caring for an hour or so
Started crying and i couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street and took a look at myself
Said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to
I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well i guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, i guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Its gone gone baby its all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
It was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you
Well its gone gone baby its all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
Well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you
But i believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well i guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, i guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
then again, i gained a shitload of experience, so im happy. haha... but yeah, im happy with life. or what it has given me. i experience what i wanted, what i could, and what i yearned for. its more than sufficient. life gets a bit boring after that then...
now, if only i can own a car. but then, it would be too expensive to own one now. i dont happen to have a million dollars so that i can just own a car comfortably. but hey, no loss... what you cant have, you just cant and count your blessings that you have something else in place.
Matchbox 20 - How Far We've Come
Hello
Hello
Hello
I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world,
But its feeling just like every other morning before,
Now i wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour if that
And I started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?
But i believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well i guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, i guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
I think it turned ten o'clock but i don't really know
Then i can't remember caring for an hour or so
Started crying and i couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street and took a look at myself
Said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to
I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well i guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, i guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Its gone gone baby its all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
It was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you
Well its gone gone baby its all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
Well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you
But i believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well i guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, i guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
I messed this area @
01:27
01:27
kiss my ass. and fuck off while you are at it.
the world can really take a turn for the worse no? its all crumbling down, but im doing fine. at least, thats how i think. i know that i dont give up easily, but this is really taking a toll on me. to hell with it. i really am lost now. what do i do? what do i say? what do i even think?
funny. my life depicts a fragile life, full of twists and turns. i really wonder right about now, is my life nearing its end point where i have a 'make it or break it' experience? according to my life line, it has been foretold that i will not live a long life either. near the end of my life line, there is a major cross in between the 2 lines. and the 2 lines thereafter, arent too long either. both end rather abruptly. wow. i now wonder about the accuracy of plam reading. it seems so accurate.
well, if its the end of the road for me, i have no regrets. i dont care how or where i die, but i know that im rational enough not to take my own life. so suicide is out of the question on why my life line ends so suddenly. haha... the future is not for me to know anyway.
so many many things can happen in such a short period of time. lucky for me, im still able to keep my sanity. really wonder how long more i can hold on. lols... but i keep my heart at ease, and peace within my mind. i should do fine. all i can do, is just to hope and pray.
i miss my past life yet i cant turn back time. i dread my future but i dont know how to rectify the current problems to solve the impending. hiccups occur on such a fast basis that there isnt the time to look forward and plan ahead anymore. im losing control fast and i wonder why.
the world can really take a turn for the worse no? its all crumbling down, but im doing fine. at least, thats how i think. i know that i dont give up easily, but this is really taking a toll on me. to hell with it. i really am lost now. what do i do? what do i say? what do i even think?
funny. my life depicts a fragile life, full of twists and turns. i really wonder right about now, is my life nearing its end point where i have a 'make it or break it' experience? according to my life line, it has been foretold that i will not live a long life either. near the end of my life line, there is a major cross in between the 2 lines. and the 2 lines thereafter, arent too long either. both end rather abruptly. wow. i now wonder about the accuracy of plam reading. it seems so accurate.
well, if its the end of the road for me, i have no regrets. i dont care how or where i die, but i know that im rational enough not to take my own life. so suicide is out of the question on why my life line ends so suddenly. haha... the future is not for me to know anyway.
so many many things can happen in such a short period of time. lucky for me, im still able to keep my sanity. really wonder how long more i can hold on. lols... but i keep my heart at ease, and peace within my mind. i should do fine. all i can do, is just to hope and pray.
i miss my past life yet i cant turn back time. i dread my future but i dont know how to rectify the current problems to solve the impending. hiccups occur on such a fast basis that there isnt the time to look forward and plan ahead anymore. im losing control fast and i wonder why.
I messed this area @
22:48
22:48
dont be a hypocrite. it looks so clear. say what you mean, not what others want to hear. it makes things more complicated then what it really is. and it makes me want to puke my guts out. time cant be reversed, words said cant be retracted, actions done cant be undone.
thats life. deal with it. grow up and realise that life's a bitch. be tactful if you want to be, be straightforward when you know the situation calls for it. this kind of attitude will get you nowhere in life. in fact, its more like angkat bola. amazing i see that in you.
tekong was heaven. unit life sucks. though its 'so-called' less 'slack', it really isnt. uniform has to be turned out nicely and all. shit. if its not, easily sign one extra. wow. i miss tekong. i miss my section mates. and my smoking buddies. another day at the unit starts again...
thats life. deal with it. grow up and realise that life's a bitch. be tactful if you want to be, be straightforward when you know the situation calls for it. this kind of attitude will get you nowhere in life. in fact, its more like angkat bola. amazing i see that in you.
tekong was heaven. unit life sucks. though its 'so-called' less 'slack', it really isnt. uniform has to be turned out nicely and all. shit. if its not, easily sign one extra. wow. i miss tekong. i miss my section mates. and my smoking buddies. another day at the unit starts again...
I messed this area @
02:21
02:21
went car shopping today. visited Subaru, Toyota, Mitsubishi, Honda and Hyundai. can easily cross toyota and mitsubishi out. either car sucks, or price too high. i still like subaru for its looks. dont like hatchbacks. dont know why though. always prefer a sedan.
but now i feel that the world is spinning around me on 5 different axis. my eyes sees an object and doesnt focus on it, and zooms continuously in and out. worst of all, i get the feeling that im on a rocky boat. the top of my skull hurts big time too...
what the hell is happening to me? what kind of madness is this? it doesnt happen everyday, it just occurs very erractically. and when i started in BMTC2, then this conditions worsen. this is just ridiculous. better off dead eh?
haha... nevermind. i guess its just that i need more rest. if i die, die la. nothing to worry about. less worries actually. that shows how little i treasure my own life. LOL... but seriously, i feel that the world would be a better place without me in it.
thats just my personal opinion... well, the heart may be hidden, but it will eventually show its colours as dark as the night sky. you can lie for all you want. but time shows all. your voice and eyes cannot hide your thoughts. and the colours of your thoughts will be just as black.
but now i feel that the world is spinning around me on 5 different axis. my eyes sees an object and doesnt focus on it, and zooms continuously in and out. worst of all, i get the feeling that im on a rocky boat. the top of my skull hurts big time too...
what the hell is happening to me? what kind of madness is this? it doesnt happen everyday, it just occurs very erractically. and when i started in BMTC2, then this conditions worsen. this is just ridiculous. better off dead eh?
haha... nevermind. i guess its just that i need more rest. if i die, die la. nothing to worry about. less worries actually. that shows how little i treasure my own life. LOL... but seriously, i feel that the world would be a better place without me in it.
thats just my personal opinion... well, the heart may be hidden, but it will eventually show its colours as dark as the night sky. you can lie for all you want. but time shows all. your voice and eyes cannot hide your thoughts. and the colours of your thoughts will be just as black.
I messed this area @
19:45
19:45
Copied from Yahoo News. Article By LEV GROSSMAN
Sat Oct 6, 1:55 AM ET
Does being more of a father make you less of a man? To a group of committed dads assembled one night in a New Jersey diner, the answer is obvious. Sort of. Paul Haley, 38, a father of two, says women look at him when he walks down the street with his kids. "I think it's admiration," he says. Adam Wolff, also 38--with two kids and one on the way--ponders what it means to be a man. "Is my man-ness about being the breadwinner or being a good father to my kids or something else?" Michael Gerber, 36, father of a 7-month-old, asks, "Do you mean, Do we feel whipped?"
"I'm probably a little whipped," shrugs Lee Roberts, 45. He's a part-time copy editor, married to a full-time journalist, who has stayed home for nine years to raise their two children. "There are definitely some guys who look at me and think, 'What's up with him?' Do I care? Well, I guess I do a little because I just mentioned it," he says. Haley speaks up to reassure him: "Kids remember, man. All that matters is that you're there. Being there is being a man."
But what does it mean, exactly, to be a man these days? Once upon a Darwinian time, a man was the one spearing the woolly mammoth. And it wasn't so long ago that a man was that strong and silent fellow over there at the bar with the dry martini or a cold can of beer--a hardworking guy in a gray flannel suit or blue-collar work shirt. He sired children, yes, but he drew the line at diapering them. He didn't know what to expect when his wife was expecting, he didn't review bottle warmers on his daddy blog, and he most certainly didn't participate in little-girl tea parties. Today's dads plead guilty to all of the above--so what does that make them?
As we fuss and fight over the trials and dilemmas of American mothers, a quiet revolution is occurring in fatherhood. "Men today are far more involved with their families than they have been at virtually any other time in the last century," says Michael Kimmel, author of Manhood in America: A Cultural History. In the late 1970s, sociologists at the University of Michigan found that the average dad spent about a third as much time with his kids as the average mom did. By 2000, that was up to three-fourths. The number of stay-at-home fathers has tripled in the past 10 years. The Census counts less than 200,000, but those studying the phenomenon say it's probably 10 times that number. Fathers' style of parenting has changed too. Men hug their kids more, help with homework more, tell kids they love them more. Or, as sociologist Scott Coltrane of the University of California, Riverside, says, "Fathers are beginning to look more like mothers."
Many dads are challenging old definitions of manliness. "Masculinity has traditionally been associated with work and work-related success, with competition, power, prestige, dominance over women, restrictive emotionality--that's a big one," says Aaron Rochlen, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Texas who studies fatherhood and masculinity. "But a good parent needs to be expressive, patient, emotional, not money oriented." Though many fathers still cleave to the old archetype, Rochlen's study finds that those who don't are happier. Other research shows that fathers who stop being men of the old mold have better-adjusted children, better marriages and better work lives--better physical and mental health, even. "Basically," says Rochlen, "masculinity is bad for you."
So are sugar doughnuts and beer bongs, and men hate to let go of those too. Women forced the revolution by staging one of their own: in the 1970s they began storming into the workforce, making it harder for men to shirk child care. What's more, they showed their sons that it's possible to both work and parent. Economic forces were at work as well: for the entire 20th century, every successive generation of American men could expect to do better financially than their dads--that is, until Generation X. According to a study by the Pew Charitable Trusts, the median income for a man in his 30s in 2004 was 12% lower than it was in 1974, once adjusted for inflation. Men were forced to relinquish sole-breadwinner status for their households to stay afloat.
But how to forge a new idea of manhood for this brave new two-income world? Hollywood hasn't been much help. From Michael Keaton in the 1983 movie Mr. Mom to Adam Sandler in Big Daddy (1999) to Eddie Murphy in Daddy Day Care (2003), the sight of a man caught in the act of parenting has been a reliable laugh getter--always a good indicator of what the culture considers uncomfortable material. For every Pursuit of Happyness, there's a movie like this summer's Knocked Up, which plays not so much as a tribute to fatherhood as an effort by men to convince themselves that fatherhood is all right--and the movie's happy ending is the least plausible thing about it. One show at least managed to capture the tension: What were those seven seasons of The Sopranos about if not a man fighting to reconcile the tender pangs of a caring, new-style father with the old-school masculine ideals of violence and stoicism--not to mention the psychological damage wreaked on him by his own old-school father?
Society hasn't made it easy for newly evolved dads to feel manly either. In Rochlen's study of stay-at-home dads, those who scored low on measures of traditional masculinity professed higher degrees of happiness in their roles--as well as in their marriages, with their children and with their health. But even they worried about how the rest of the world viewed their choice--with some reason. "There's definitely a stigma out there," says Rochlen. "The dads tell stories about mothers on the playground looking at them like they're child molesters or losers."
Ironically, dads who take on parenting roles once considered emasculating may simply be responding to nature. Studies have shown that men experience hormonal shifts during their female partner's pregnancy. A man's testosterone level drops after settling down to marriage and family, perhaps in preparation for parenthood, as the male hormone is thought to be incompatible with nurturing behavior. In one study, for example, men with lower amounts of testosterone were willing to hold baby dolls for a longer period of time than those with a higher count. In another, the very act of holding dolls lowered testosterone.
More evidence of nature's intent to design men as active parents might be seen in the effects of involved fathering on children. Given the politically charged debates over same-sex unions and single parenting, it is perhaps not surprising that the richest area in the nascent field of fatherhood research is in the results of fathers' absence. David Popenoe of Rutgers University has pointed to increased rates of juvenile delinquency, drug abuse and other problems among children raised without a male parent present. Research on the unique skills men bring to parenting is sparse but intriguing. Eleanor Maccoby of Stanford University has found that fathers are less likely than mothers to modify their language when speaking to their children, thus challenging their kids to expand vocabulary and cognitive skills. Fathers also tend to enforce rules more strictly and systematically in reaction to children's wrongdoing, according to educational psychologist Carol Gilligan. "Having a father isn't magic," says Armin Brott, author of seven books about fatherhood, "but it really does make a difference for the kids."
When men take on nontraditional roles in the home and family, it also makes a difference to the marriage. Coltrane of UC Riverside and John Gottman at the University of Washington found in separate studies that when men contribute to domestic labor (which is part and parcel of parenting), women interpret it as a sign of caring, experience less stress and are more likely to find themselves in the mood for sex. This is not to say that more involved fathering has erased marital tensions or that it hasn't introduced new ones. Dads admit they get fussed over for things moms do every day. "Sometimes you're treated like a dog walking on its hind legs--'Oh, look, he can do laundry!'" says Jim O'Kane, 47, a father of two in Blackstone, Mass. And some women resent ceding their role as top parent. When her daughter fell down at a birthday party, Amy Vachon, 44, of Watertown, Mass., recalls that the girl ran crying all the way across the room--to her husband Marc. "I admit it hurt at the time," she says, "mostly because I wondered what everyone thought. There's such a high standard in society for the good mother."
It's a slippery slope: a recent Pew survey found that increasingly, parents rank their relationships with their kids as more important than their relationship with their spouse. Just as interesting, they rank their job dead last. That most masculine of traits--the ability to go out into the world and bring home a buck--is receding in importance for the men of Generation X. Men's rates of labor-force participation have dropped from just above 90% in 1970 to just above 80% in 2005. Almost a third of young fathers (32%) say they dedicate more time to their children, while 28% say they devote more time to their jobs.
Big employers are beginning to catch on. Deloitte & Touche, PricewaterhouseCoopers, Xerox and IBM are urging family-friendly benefits for their male employees and touting them to male recruits. California recently became the first state to guarantee paid time off for new dads. But the U.S. still lags far behind other countries: only 12% of U.S. corporations offer paid leave for fathers of new babies (the U.S. Family and Medical Leave Act enables workers in large companies to take up to 12 weeks off, but that time is unpaid), while dads in 65 other countries are guaranteed paid paternity or parental leave; 31 countries offer 14 weeks of it or more. At companies that offer and encourage paternity leave, participation is high. KPMG reports that 80% of eligible workers have taken paternity leave since it was first offered in 2002. Still, more than half of working men say they would not take paternity leave even if it was offered, most saying they could not afford it, others fearing it would harm their careers--the same complaints long made by working women.
Today's fathers aren't the men their own fathers were but only if you insist that the nature of masculinity doesn't change--that it's a biological fact and not a mutable cultural construct. The new fathers are creating a new ideal of masculinity. It's not as Mad Men cool, but it is healthier. "The emerging and evolving norms of fatherhood and masculinity challenge men to be a different kind of guy," says Rochlen. "But on the positive side, it gives them new opportunity to embrace and enact these dimensions that are good for them and good for their families." It's even good for their emotional health. Coltrane says fatherhood is proving a "safe pathway" for men to develop and explore their nurturing side. "It's not considered wimpy or gay to hug your daughter," he adds. That's something we can all embrace.
Sat Oct 6, 1:55 AM ET
Does being more of a father make you less of a man? To a group of committed dads assembled one night in a New Jersey diner, the answer is obvious. Sort of. Paul Haley, 38, a father of two, says women look at him when he walks down the street with his kids. "I think it's admiration," he says. Adam Wolff, also 38--with two kids and one on the way--ponders what it means to be a man. "Is my man-ness about being the breadwinner or being a good father to my kids or something else?" Michael Gerber, 36, father of a 7-month-old, asks, "Do you mean, Do we feel whipped?"
"I'm probably a little whipped," shrugs Lee Roberts, 45. He's a part-time copy editor, married to a full-time journalist, who has stayed home for nine years to raise their two children. "There are definitely some guys who look at me and think, 'What's up with him?' Do I care? Well, I guess I do a little because I just mentioned it," he says. Haley speaks up to reassure him: "Kids remember, man. All that matters is that you're there. Being there is being a man."
But what does it mean, exactly, to be a man these days? Once upon a Darwinian time, a man was the one spearing the woolly mammoth. And it wasn't so long ago that a man was that strong and silent fellow over there at the bar with the dry martini or a cold can of beer--a hardworking guy in a gray flannel suit or blue-collar work shirt. He sired children, yes, but he drew the line at diapering them. He didn't know what to expect when his wife was expecting, he didn't review bottle warmers on his daddy blog, and he most certainly didn't participate in little-girl tea parties. Today's dads plead guilty to all of the above--so what does that make them?
As we fuss and fight over the trials and dilemmas of American mothers, a quiet revolution is occurring in fatherhood. "Men today are far more involved with their families than they have been at virtually any other time in the last century," says Michael Kimmel, author of Manhood in America: A Cultural History. In the late 1970s, sociologists at the University of Michigan found that the average dad spent about a third as much time with his kids as the average mom did. By 2000, that was up to three-fourths. The number of stay-at-home fathers has tripled in the past 10 years. The Census counts less than 200,000, but those studying the phenomenon say it's probably 10 times that number. Fathers' style of parenting has changed too. Men hug their kids more, help with homework more, tell kids they love them more. Or, as sociologist Scott Coltrane of the University of California, Riverside, says, "Fathers are beginning to look more like mothers."
Many dads are challenging old definitions of manliness. "Masculinity has traditionally been associated with work and work-related success, with competition, power, prestige, dominance over women, restrictive emotionality--that's a big one," says Aaron Rochlen, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Texas who studies fatherhood and masculinity. "But a good parent needs to be expressive, patient, emotional, not money oriented." Though many fathers still cleave to the old archetype, Rochlen's study finds that those who don't are happier. Other research shows that fathers who stop being men of the old mold have better-adjusted children, better marriages and better work lives--better physical and mental health, even. "Basically," says Rochlen, "masculinity is bad for you."
So are sugar doughnuts and beer bongs, and men hate to let go of those too. Women forced the revolution by staging one of their own: in the 1970s they began storming into the workforce, making it harder for men to shirk child care. What's more, they showed their sons that it's possible to both work and parent. Economic forces were at work as well: for the entire 20th century, every successive generation of American men could expect to do better financially than their dads--that is, until Generation X. According to a study by the Pew Charitable Trusts, the median income for a man in his 30s in 2004 was 12% lower than it was in 1974, once adjusted for inflation. Men were forced to relinquish sole-breadwinner status for their households to stay afloat.
But how to forge a new idea of manhood for this brave new two-income world? Hollywood hasn't been much help. From Michael Keaton in the 1983 movie Mr. Mom to Adam Sandler in Big Daddy (1999) to Eddie Murphy in Daddy Day Care (2003), the sight of a man caught in the act of parenting has been a reliable laugh getter--always a good indicator of what the culture considers uncomfortable material. For every Pursuit of Happyness, there's a movie like this summer's Knocked Up, which plays not so much as a tribute to fatherhood as an effort by men to convince themselves that fatherhood is all right--and the movie's happy ending is the least plausible thing about it. One show at least managed to capture the tension: What were those seven seasons of The Sopranos about if not a man fighting to reconcile the tender pangs of a caring, new-style father with the old-school masculine ideals of violence and stoicism--not to mention the psychological damage wreaked on him by his own old-school father?
Society hasn't made it easy for newly evolved dads to feel manly either. In Rochlen's study of stay-at-home dads, those who scored low on measures of traditional masculinity professed higher degrees of happiness in their roles--as well as in their marriages, with their children and with their health. But even they worried about how the rest of the world viewed their choice--with some reason. "There's definitely a stigma out there," says Rochlen. "The dads tell stories about mothers on the playground looking at them like they're child molesters or losers."
Ironically, dads who take on parenting roles once considered emasculating may simply be responding to nature. Studies have shown that men experience hormonal shifts during their female partner's pregnancy. A man's testosterone level drops after settling down to marriage and family, perhaps in preparation for parenthood, as the male hormone is thought to be incompatible with nurturing behavior. In one study, for example, men with lower amounts of testosterone were willing to hold baby dolls for a longer period of time than those with a higher count. In another, the very act of holding dolls lowered testosterone.
More evidence of nature's intent to design men as active parents might be seen in the effects of involved fathering on children. Given the politically charged debates over same-sex unions and single parenting, it is perhaps not surprising that the richest area in the nascent field of fatherhood research is in the results of fathers' absence. David Popenoe of Rutgers University has pointed to increased rates of juvenile delinquency, drug abuse and other problems among children raised without a male parent present. Research on the unique skills men bring to parenting is sparse but intriguing. Eleanor Maccoby of Stanford University has found that fathers are less likely than mothers to modify their language when speaking to their children, thus challenging their kids to expand vocabulary and cognitive skills. Fathers also tend to enforce rules more strictly and systematically in reaction to children's wrongdoing, according to educational psychologist Carol Gilligan. "Having a father isn't magic," says Armin Brott, author of seven books about fatherhood, "but it really does make a difference for the kids."
When men take on nontraditional roles in the home and family, it also makes a difference to the marriage. Coltrane of UC Riverside and John Gottman at the University of Washington found in separate studies that when men contribute to domestic labor (which is part and parcel of parenting), women interpret it as a sign of caring, experience less stress and are more likely to find themselves in the mood for sex. This is not to say that more involved fathering has erased marital tensions or that it hasn't introduced new ones. Dads admit they get fussed over for things moms do every day. "Sometimes you're treated like a dog walking on its hind legs--'Oh, look, he can do laundry!'" says Jim O'Kane, 47, a father of two in Blackstone, Mass. And some women resent ceding their role as top parent. When her daughter fell down at a birthday party, Amy Vachon, 44, of Watertown, Mass., recalls that the girl ran crying all the way across the room--to her husband Marc. "I admit it hurt at the time," she says, "mostly because I wondered what everyone thought. There's such a high standard in society for the good mother."
It's a slippery slope: a recent Pew survey found that increasingly, parents rank their relationships with their kids as more important than their relationship with their spouse. Just as interesting, they rank their job dead last. That most masculine of traits--the ability to go out into the world and bring home a buck--is receding in importance for the men of Generation X. Men's rates of labor-force participation have dropped from just above 90% in 1970 to just above 80% in 2005. Almost a third of young fathers (32%) say they dedicate more time to their children, while 28% say they devote more time to their jobs.
Big employers are beginning to catch on. Deloitte & Touche, PricewaterhouseCoopers, Xerox and IBM are urging family-friendly benefits for their male employees and touting them to male recruits. California recently became the first state to guarantee paid time off for new dads. But the U.S. still lags far behind other countries: only 12% of U.S. corporations offer paid leave for fathers of new babies (the U.S. Family and Medical Leave Act enables workers in large companies to take up to 12 weeks off, but that time is unpaid), while dads in 65 other countries are guaranteed paid paternity or parental leave; 31 countries offer 14 weeks of it or more. At companies that offer and encourage paternity leave, participation is high. KPMG reports that 80% of eligible workers have taken paternity leave since it was first offered in 2002. Still, more than half of working men say they would not take paternity leave even if it was offered, most saying they could not afford it, others fearing it would harm their careers--the same complaints long made by working women.
Today's fathers aren't the men their own fathers were but only if you insist that the nature of masculinity doesn't change--that it's a biological fact and not a mutable cultural construct. The new fathers are creating a new ideal of masculinity. It's not as Mad Men cool, but it is healthier. "The emerging and evolving norms of fatherhood and masculinity challenge men to be a different kind of guy," says Rochlen. "But on the positive side, it gives them new opportunity to embrace and enact these dimensions that are good for them and good for their families." It's even good for their emotional health. Coltrane says fatherhood is proving a "safe pathway" for men to develop and explore their nurturing side. "It's not considered wimpy or gay to hug your daughter," he adds. That's something we can all embrace.
I messed this area @
02:30
02:30
cigarettes are good... they help with thinking...
they are more reliable that humans can ever be at reliving stresses. humans have the most malice within them, and they hide them well. the tongue may hide lies, but the heart, will forever be black once turned. to hell with humanity. i've given up on trying to communicate ideas across.
at least, thats how i come to think about it. on to my fourth stick! still got a lot more to go! =)
Cheers!
they are more reliable that humans can ever be at reliving stresses. humans have the most malice within them, and they hide them well. the tongue may hide lies, but the heart, will forever be black once turned. to hell with humanity. i've given up on trying to communicate ideas across.
at least, thats how i come to think about it. on to my fourth stick! still got a lot more to go! =)
Cheers!
I messed this area @
01:39
01:39
Its not fucking easy to decide on whether i should get a car. it seems as if i need a car for transport given that the timings are very irregular, yet i can still take a cab every single damned day. but its the 'IFFY' days that count most. like shit, Staff is going to kill me if i fuck up.
thats where the car comes in but its between a need and a want. worst of all, the financial problem is in there right behind the rest of them. i've shortened it to a few makes depending on preowned or brand new. fucked up. its causing me a hell lot of problems right about now.
we'll just see how it goes. i am uncertain about the future. it really seems very weird now. is it that God is testing me over and over again? i really wonder. He seems to be throwing me more problems than not. i really wonder if i can take it. lots of people tell me, God will never test you beyond your limit. funny shit is, i feel that God is testing me beyond my limit right about now. i feel so pressured all over the place, wondering if the next step that i take would be my last.
i got no place to turn to. no one to turn to. no where to run and just let loose for a while. back 4 months ago, i had such exit points, places to go, people to see to let loose and talk to me. right now, i feel so alone. well, life always takes a turn wherever it goes. i'll just let it be for now. i'll let life crack me up as much as it can and i'll just sit in tight and hang for the ride. i dont know how long i'll last, but i'll try... i'll try...
its just so amazing that all it took was 4 months to cascade down to this. im really amazed. it has changed my perception on life so much. so much that i hardly recognise my personality. i've become more pessimistic in my outlook, hardly even expecting much of life now. i just live day by day, as though each day was my last. i dont really do much of anything but go about my life without much thought. im stoned from inside out. i hardened myself that i feel little.
is this how i want to live life? i dont know. happiness comes and goes. sadness comes and goes too. i dont care really. i really dont. what is it that i seek in life? love? life? riches? fame? power? i dont care about all those anymore. i feel that i am done in life. i have no more goals, no more places to turn and explore. life becomes meaningless. its not just because of a person that life turns meaningless, its because of how i changed myself to deal with that situation that i turned out this way. im not who i am anymore. of course, i still hold by my values of being faithful etc etc. but how long am i going to last like this? haha... somehow, something just churns within me to just live life so. not that i got something to prove anymore. not that i have to fight for someone anymore. i dont have to do such things already. hardly. indeed. but knowing my reponse, i will continue to do so. i just believe that now, i have nothing else to lose.
what else can i possibly lose? my life? i feel that there is no more meaning in life. my ability to walk? i literally drag myself around everyday letting everything pile up upon me. problems which are not mine, i shoulder still and carry on helping and caring. its getting tiring and exhausting, but im not stopping. the only time that i feel that i would stop, would be when i close my eyes for the very last time. at my given rate, it shouldnt take all too long. someday..... i'll be happy.....
i know that i have always told people, 'the life is yours. its your book to write. write it how you want it to be. if you want to be a scholar, write it just so. if you want to be a criminal, then write it as well. because the book is yours. no one can write it for you. only you, can write it for yourself. and at the end of the day, you will look back and read this book, for it is your life, your accomplishments and your failures throughout your life.' that is still what i believe in. but now, i believe that my pen has just malfunctioned. maybe, it isnt the pen, but the writer. the writer has either contracted writer's block, or even better yet, refused to continue writing out the novel. its not anything special, but its just that the writer has given up on the masterpiece. and rightly so, the author has truly given it up. willingly. and most surprisingly above all, without remorse. for the book has been burned away 4 months ago.
i've been running and running. i dont know how far i can run further. it just makes me sick that i cant do something about it. or is it just because that i am unwilling to do something about it? i dont even know myself as a person. im not perfect, i never was. but is it just so, that i cant do a simple thing about my life, getting it back on track? i believe that its just that i have always depended on someone else instead. and someone else provided me the strength to move on. i guess that it was always someone else supporting me, holding me up even when i fell down. being perfect isnt what im after, its being what others has been to me. its being there for them when they need me to be. but i dont last forever.
it has been 2 days already. im in a depressed state of mind even though i try, failingly, to act normal. i needed someone there to just tell me that its ok... that being down and out and useless, unable to help others, is just part of human nature. truth be told, i dont even know what it is im running from. its definitely not myself im running away from. its more that something is troubling me and past emotions stuck deep within me, embedded by my own self, and its resurfacing and i dont know how to deal with it. im breaking down from inside. tears want to flow, but i dont know why. its just so depressing...
i can do away with everything materialistic. having money doesnt mean shit to me. people can pay for me for all i care. but i still pay because i dont want others to be in a poorer state. i have been there before and it doesnt feel good. i dont want to pass that feeling on to others. its not because i have money to flaunt, but its just that feeling is very hard to live through. in a sense, i dont want others to get into the same shit as i did.
my life is just so fucked up. i dont blame anyone. i just blame myself for fucking up so badly. i dont know where i went wrong. im trying my best to backtrack, seeking help along the way. well, sometimes, you have to go alone and try. i dont have to do everything, neither do i believe that i have the capability to do everything. im human, im not able to do every single thing that exists... i just fear for the future now. i dont know what will happen. let the future decide... the empty feeling inside me, the abyss that opens up before me, its just throwing me further and further in. i really am feeling useless...
The Click Five - Jenny
She calls me baby
then she wont call me
says she adores me
and then ignores me
(Jenny, What's the problem?)
She keeps her distance
and sits on fences
puts up resistance
and builds defenses
(Jenny, Whats the problem?)
You keep me hanging on the line
everytime you change your mind
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
She needs her own space
she's playing mind games
ends up at my place
saying that she's changed
(Jenny, what's the problem?)
I'm trying to read between the lines
you got me going out of my mind
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
Jenny
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
It's killing me
Jenny
thats where the car comes in but its between a need and a want. worst of all, the financial problem is in there right behind the rest of them. i've shortened it to a few makes depending on preowned or brand new. fucked up. its causing me a hell lot of problems right about now.
we'll just see how it goes. i am uncertain about the future. it really seems very weird now. is it that God is testing me over and over again? i really wonder. He seems to be throwing me more problems than not. i really wonder if i can take it. lots of people tell me, God will never test you beyond your limit. funny shit is, i feel that God is testing me beyond my limit right about now. i feel so pressured all over the place, wondering if the next step that i take would be my last.
i got no place to turn to. no one to turn to. no where to run and just let loose for a while. back 4 months ago, i had such exit points, places to go, people to see to let loose and talk to me. right now, i feel so alone. well, life always takes a turn wherever it goes. i'll just let it be for now. i'll let life crack me up as much as it can and i'll just sit in tight and hang for the ride. i dont know how long i'll last, but i'll try... i'll try...
its just so amazing that all it took was 4 months to cascade down to this. im really amazed. it has changed my perception on life so much. so much that i hardly recognise my personality. i've become more pessimistic in my outlook, hardly even expecting much of life now. i just live day by day, as though each day was my last. i dont really do much of anything but go about my life without much thought. im stoned from inside out. i hardened myself that i feel little.
is this how i want to live life? i dont know. happiness comes and goes. sadness comes and goes too. i dont care really. i really dont. what is it that i seek in life? love? life? riches? fame? power? i dont care about all those anymore. i feel that i am done in life. i have no more goals, no more places to turn and explore. life becomes meaningless. its not just because of a person that life turns meaningless, its because of how i changed myself to deal with that situation that i turned out this way. im not who i am anymore. of course, i still hold by my values of being faithful etc etc. but how long am i going to last like this? haha... somehow, something just churns within me to just live life so. not that i got something to prove anymore. not that i have to fight for someone anymore. i dont have to do such things already. hardly. indeed. but knowing my reponse, i will continue to do so. i just believe that now, i have nothing else to lose.
what else can i possibly lose? my life? i feel that there is no more meaning in life. my ability to walk? i literally drag myself around everyday letting everything pile up upon me. problems which are not mine, i shoulder still and carry on helping and caring. its getting tiring and exhausting, but im not stopping. the only time that i feel that i would stop, would be when i close my eyes for the very last time. at my given rate, it shouldnt take all too long. someday..... i'll be happy.....
i know that i have always told people, 'the life is yours. its your book to write. write it how you want it to be. if you want to be a scholar, write it just so. if you want to be a criminal, then write it as well. because the book is yours. no one can write it for you. only you, can write it for yourself. and at the end of the day, you will look back and read this book, for it is your life, your accomplishments and your failures throughout your life.' that is still what i believe in. but now, i believe that my pen has just malfunctioned. maybe, it isnt the pen, but the writer. the writer has either contracted writer's block, or even better yet, refused to continue writing out the novel. its not anything special, but its just that the writer has given up on the masterpiece. and rightly so, the author has truly given it up. willingly. and most surprisingly above all, without remorse. for the book has been burned away 4 months ago.
i've been running and running. i dont know how far i can run further. it just makes me sick that i cant do something about it. or is it just because that i am unwilling to do something about it? i dont even know myself as a person. im not perfect, i never was. but is it just so, that i cant do a simple thing about my life, getting it back on track? i believe that its just that i have always depended on someone else instead. and someone else provided me the strength to move on. i guess that it was always someone else supporting me, holding me up even when i fell down. being perfect isnt what im after, its being what others has been to me. its being there for them when they need me to be. but i dont last forever.
it has been 2 days already. im in a depressed state of mind even though i try, failingly, to act normal. i needed someone there to just tell me that its ok... that being down and out and useless, unable to help others, is just part of human nature. truth be told, i dont even know what it is im running from. its definitely not myself im running away from. its more that something is troubling me and past emotions stuck deep within me, embedded by my own self, and its resurfacing and i dont know how to deal with it. im breaking down from inside. tears want to flow, but i dont know why. its just so depressing...
i can do away with everything materialistic. having money doesnt mean shit to me. people can pay for me for all i care. but i still pay because i dont want others to be in a poorer state. i have been there before and it doesnt feel good. i dont want to pass that feeling on to others. its not because i have money to flaunt, but its just that feeling is very hard to live through. in a sense, i dont want others to get into the same shit as i did.
my life is just so fucked up. i dont blame anyone. i just blame myself for fucking up so badly. i dont know where i went wrong. im trying my best to backtrack, seeking help along the way. well, sometimes, you have to go alone and try. i dont have to do everything, neither do i believe that i have the capability to do everything. im human, im not able to do every single thing that exists... i just fear for the future now. i dont know what will happen. let the future decide... the empty feeling inside me, the abyss that opens up before me, its just throwing me further and further in. i really am feeling useless...
The Click Five - Jenny
She calls me baby
then she wont call me
says she adores me
and then ignores me
(Jenny, What's the problem?)
She keeps her distance
and sits on fences
puts up resistance
and builds defenses
(Jenny, Whats the problem?)
You keep me hanging on the line
everytime you change your mind
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
She needs her own space
she's playing mind games
ends up at my place
saying that she's changed
(Jenny, what's the problem?)
I'm trying to read between the lines
you got me going out of my mind
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
Jenny
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me
It's killing me
Jenny
I messed this area @
21:55
21:55