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Joce-lyn
All I yearn, is for the love of someone, coupled with the love from my sibling and parents. And to me, true love is when one sees an imperfect person perfectly. Which is what I see in you. The degree of the love that I have for you, I will learn from my past mistakes and make myself better for you. Just you. Then again, maybe I'm never the one. I'm not perfect, nor am I good in any sense.
Actions never coincide with words, and thoughts never coincide with either. That is, if you ever get past the first sentence.
thoughts were running through my mind at work today... major thoughts. after the meeting, i just sat at my desk and thought through all the things that went through my head the past month. and then i decided to go out for some, uhh, fresh air.
in fact, i thought, do i really know myself all that well? do i? or is it just another illusion? its weird when i think such things. i question myself on everything that i can remember having done in my life. am i so sure of myself that i can definitely say that i know myself inside out? i know that i am objective in my thoughts and actions. i know that i am a workaholic. i also know that i am the type to strive for perfection in what i do. i know the simple things about myself. but how about the methods which i deploy on working relationships with my colleagues? how about my ability to communicate EFFECTIVELY? am i able to capture the smaller things that really sway the tone of the entire story rather than just the bigger points? am i too obsessed with work till i neglect my family, friends and even my past relationships? what about the contingencies of the future other than those that i have planned for?
there are so many things that run through my mind. i can hear the thoughts, but i cannot comprehend the answers. it seems so weird that i can ask myself such questions. maybe a subtype of reverse psychology on myself. i have no idea. im simple. work comes first. work is most important. that is my purview. i like a neat and tidy piece of work. is that wrong even? is it not a pride to give others a finely done piece of work and be satisfied about it?
and one other thing. am i able to even communicate effectively to the ones i love and care for, that my work is something of pride to me thus resulting in my late hours? boss sat down with me outside and had a little chat with me. he knows when something is wrong with me. he reasoned that it is me who is the problem, taking up too much responsibility for others. so is that the reason that my relationships failed? is that why? that i take up too much responsibility within work itself that i leave relationships as the second or even third priority?
do those who know me see this? that i place them below my work? i know within my heart, the answer is no. i try to balance out work and family / relationship. in the end, i questioned myself with a simple question. when a call comes in for work and i have promised to stay with a person, do i work or stay? simple answer is work. i cant let down others. i just cant. and that, boss told me, was the main reason. so i asked, is work the main reason in which my relationships failed? the reply was no. surprised i was, definitely. he continued saying that its my undying committment to work that was the problem. that it is me, choosing to work over time spent with a loved one. reason as i may, saying that i cant push the job off to others, it merely showed him that it was that reason.
boss then proceeded to ask me 3 simple questions. what do i seek for in work and life? happiness. joy. satisfaction in giving out work that is done to perfection. prior to what happened 1 odd month ago, what was my goal in life and what do i seek for in a relationship? to stay happy and committed to the one i love and care for, my family and friends, and of course, work. i would seek understanding from the person whom i care for as well, that she understands me for who i am and for what i am. he then asked, are you seeking for a short or long term relationship now since i know about your future aspirations? i told him blankly, im not seeking anything. if i could save whatever was left of the past relationship, i would. but it doesnt seem like she wants it. he pressed on, what if a girl was to say that she was interested in you? would you go for her? point blank answer, no. why not? she is giving you a chance man. my answer was that i dont want to hurt others. im sick of my actions when it comes to balancing work and relationships and work always wins. but that is how i am. you said yourself that my problem was that i have an undying committment to work and females tend to see that i do not care for them. a simple retort from boss. life is meant for us to make mistakes so that we would learn from them.
he explained it in simple terms for me. when we, as males, spend more time in office than at home, people, especially females, tend to think that we are unfaithful, that we are out fooling with other girls. its not a simple matter as you think it is. you have to make time for her whenever you can. call her, ask how she is etc. he lamented himself that if he has the ability to do so, he would also be married. but he remains unmarried by choice. not my circumstances. he got up and left me with this train of thought. some plans you made, seems ok for now. but the future is uncertain. dont plan too far till you trip over your own shoes. and dont set your mind so rigidly that you block out other options. open your mind to other possibilities, since you intend to major in psychology. grasp what information you can. those you cant, just leave it be. do not look too deep within yourself only, but within others as well. figure out what they are really trying to convey. pick out the tone of the message rather than the meat of it.
i was left alone to ponder the conversation with cigarettes. he doesnt approve me of smoking either, i realise. but being the good boss, he knows that i use it as an excuse and keeps quiet. though he doesnt say anything, i know. he drops me small hints, especially before going in to meetings on monday. thanks to him, i got a shitload of pondering to do on National Day. but at least he helps me understand myself a little bit better. he told me not to work on National Day, but to stay at home and just run through the thoughts again. oh well, at least its something that is overdue anyway.
in fact, i thought, do i really know myself all that well? do i? or is it just another illusion? its weird when i think such things. i question myself on everything that i can remember having done in my life. am i so sure of myself that i can definitely say that i know myself inside out? i know that i am objective in my thoughts and actions. i know that i am a workaholic. i also know that i am the type to strive for perfection in what i do. i know the simple things about myself. but how about the methods which i deploy on working relationships with my colleagues? how about my ability to communicate EFFECTIVELY? am i able to capture the smaller things that really sway the tone of the entire story rather than just the bigger points? am i too obsessed with work till i neglect my family, friends and even my past relationships? what about the contingencies of the future other than those that i have planned for?
there are so many things that run through my mind. i can hear the thoughts, but i cannot comprehend the answers. it seems so weird that i can ask myself such questions. maybe a subtype of reverse psychology on myself. i have no idea. im simple. work comes first. work is most important. that is my purview. i like a neat and tidy piece of work. is that wrong even? is it not a pride to give others a finely done piece of work and be satisfied about it?
and one other thing. am i able to even communicate effectively to the ones i love and care for, that my work is something of pride to me thus resulting in my late hours? boss sat down with me outside and had a little chat with me. he knows when something is wrong with me. he reasoned that it is me who is the problem, taking up too much responsibility for others. so is that the reason that my relationships failed? is that why? that i take up too much responsibility within work itself that i leave relationships as the second or even third priority?
do those who know me see this? that i place them below my work? i know within my heart, the answer is no. i try to balance out work and family / relationship. in the end, i questioned myself with a simple question. when a call comes in for work and i have promised to stay with a person, do i work or stay? simple answer is work. i cant let down others. i just cant. and that, boss told me, was the main reason. so i asked, is work the main reason in which my relationships failed? the reply was no. surprised i was, definitely. he continued saying that its my undying committment to work that was the problem. that it is me, choosing to work over time spent with a loved one. reason as i may, saying that i cant push the job off to others, it merely showed him that it was that reason.
boss then proceeded to ask me 3 simple questions. what do i seek for in work and life? happiness. joy. satisfaction in giving out work that is done to perfection. prior to what happened 1 odd month ago, what was my goal in life and what do i seek for in a relationship? to stay happy and committed to the one i love and care for, my family and friends, and of course, work. i would seek understanding from the person whom i care for as well, that she understands me for who i am and for what i am. he then asked, are you seeking for a short or long term relationship now since i know about your future aspirations? i told him blankly, im not seeking anything. if i could save whatever was left of the past relationship, i would. but it doesnt seem like she wants it. he pressed on, what if a girl was to say that she was interested in you? would you go for her? point blank answer, no. why not? she is giving you a chance man. my answer was that i dont want to hurt others. im sick of my actions when it comes to balancing work and relationships and work always wins. but that is how i am. you said yourself that my problem was that i have an undying committment to work and females tend to see that i do not care for them. a simple retort from boss. life is meant for us to make mistakes so that we would learn from them.
he explained it in simple terms for me. when we, as males, spend more time in office than at home, people, especially females, tend to think that we are unfaithful, that we are out fooling with other girls. its not a simple matter as you think it is. you have to make time for her whenever you can. call her, ask how she is etc. he lamented himself that if he has the ability to do so, he would also be married. but he remains unmarried by choice. not my circumstances. he got up and left me with this train of thought. some plans you made, seems ok for now. but the future is uncertain. dont plan too far till you trip over your own shoes. and dont set your mind so rigidly that you block out other options. open your mind to other possibilities, since you intend to major in psychology. grasp what information you can. those you cant, just leave it be. do not look too deep within yourself only, but within others as well. figure out what they are really trying to convey. pick out the tone of the message rather than the meat of it.
i was left alone to ponder the conversation with cigarettes. he doesnt approve me of smoking either, i realise. but being the good boss, he knows that i use it as an excuse and keeps quiet. though he doesnt say anything, i know. he drops me small hints, especially before going in to meetings on monday. thanks to him, i got a shitload of pondering to do on National Day. but at least he helps me understand myself a little bit better. he told me not to work on National Day, but to stay at home and just run through the thoughts again. oh well, at least its something that is overdue anyway.
I messed this area @
21:30
21:30