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April 2011
Joce-lyn
All I yearn, is for the love of someone, coupled with the love from my sibling and parents. And to me, true love is when one sees an imperfect person perfectly. Which is what I see in you. The degree of the love that I have for you, I will learn from my past mistakes and make myself better for you. Just you. Then again, maybe I'm never the one. I'm not perfect, nor am I good in any sense.
Actions never coincide with words, and thoughts never coincide with either. That is, if you ever get past the first sentence.
its a long post. so forgive me. day started quite late. call it the tail end of the day. slept late and been drinking the night before. alcohol is supposed to cure coughs and colds. so much for vodka then. anyway, i woke up, and found a hell lot of messages on my screen. and found out friends wanted to go have steamboat. ok lor, i go... since i have nothing to do at home. why stay at home when you can go out and enjoy the day right?
by the way, try waking up and moving soon with a hangover. you'll like it lots. i have given up on panadol anyway. its just another drug to ease your pain. weird thing is, i enjoy the pain. surprisingly, the pain to me, is actually a relieve. call it crazy, i dont know. but it keeps me awake, and it tells me that im still alive. and i dont bother to complain anymore. kind of like the type to do it yourself and you take credit or failure by yourself. events change me into such a person. and im grateful for it. why complain? why take drug to ease the pain? when all in all, life is just a game. you make it, or you break it. but both ways, you arrive at the same point in life. its just how you play the game. and now, the pain is not an enemy, but a friend. call it an addiction.
went out to marina and met up with them. so go eat steamboat, crap a lot. succumbed to alcohol again, not because i want to. i need the alcohol to sleep. but damn damn damn, i got scammed out of the deal. they took most of the alcohol and i drank only one cup total, i think. i know my limits. and i keep well within them. im not expecting to drink till i drop. thats OTT ( over the top ). i just need to be blurry headed to get to sleep.
after dinner, went for a walk. walked near to benjamin shears bridge. started to think. not that i can do anything anyway. i cant do shit. hey, its not that i dont care. but, this is better left to my brain. strange thing is, walking along the path, the thoughts come into my head. you speculate all you want. this is locked away for good. but over at benjamin shears bridge, my mind went blank. just stared out at the sea, the lights and the scenery.
i didnt notice it at all in the first place. of course, the simplest things in life is always the hardest to find. for over 17 ( coming to 18 ) years, i havent noticed it until now. i feel shamed for being so ignorant. how could i have missed out God's work in my life? He had sacrificed Himself for me, and yet i turned the blind eye. i totally missed it. i enjoy His works daily, but yet i do not know. dont get me wrong, im not turning into a holy man. all im saying is that im grateful for all that he has done in my life. and there i sat, looking out at the night, stars, sea, scenery and the wonders of the world, and i thanked Him for all this.
all this is just what God gave. its up to one to understand it. and there, sitting along the shore, hearing the waves crashing against the shore itself, i made a prayer to Him. something which i have not done in quite a while. i prayed for His forgiveness in all that i have done, for His kind eyes to look down at me, and tell me that all is forgiven. i thanked for all that He has done, and all that i have receieved. i dont know if i will ever forget this. but the stark realization has opened my ignorant eyes. and i tell myself, that if he has given the ultimate sacrifice, i have my debt to repay too. and i continue to admire the scenery until it was time to go.
along the way home, i kept thinking. and this phrase came to me, 'Pride goeth before a fall'. is that what is holding me up? pride? if i can, i opt to lose the pride, take the fall, and pick myself up from where i fell and continue my journey. and i ask myself. do i dare to? i dont know. the first step is always the hardest. i tell myself that if i dont lose the pride, it will eat me up from inside. time is the factor here. i need time. i aint got time. move it or lose it doesnt apply here anymore. its do or die. which makes it look all the more bleak.
its all now a question of sanity and courage. do i dare to take that step into the unknown waters? the depth is unknown and the water, murky. and these now come into play. how far down does it go? does it have a stopping point even? crush depth is uncertain as well. what if i fall into an abyss? can i stop? what if i cannot even stop? do i keep falling further in? and even if i do stop, and find myself in an abyss, how am i supposed to get out of it? damn, its supposed to be easier than this! but it never was, was it? all they did was play down the facts and the answer was out all over the place. i cant even see whats below the waterline. the waters are clouded, and nothing is visible.
and finally, i make the decision. in the time i took to compose this ( which is quite a while), i made the decision. i have to take the risk. as big as the risk is, the rewards are also of the same magnitude. i will take that first step. i have to. the risk is great, and i am uncertain of myself. this is a barrier within me that i have to break. after all, life is just a game. it doesnt matter whether you win or lose. you still end up in the same spot later. its just how you play the game. thats all there is to it. and i will myself not to have second thoughts. it will only encourage a different course of action.
sometimes, just appreciate what you have. i see God's work and thank Him for it. you will have more for want, but can that appitite for want ever be fufilled? the answer is no. dont ask why, you'll never know. no one knows. its just plain greed. thats all. the real answer will be hidden somewhere, untouchable by all. you can do something about it. believe in that you have all that you want, and lose the appitite for more.
thats all that i have for today. its time to go already. and i have made that step... now, its all about continuing the journey.
Mr. P: my apologies. you'll get it soon enough. my word. 141930APR05. Ch3Sub28. -628-
by the way, try waking up and moving soon with a hangover. you'll like it lots. i have given up on panadol anyway. its just another drug to ease your pain. weird thing is, i enjoy the pain. surprisingly, the pain to me, is actually a relieve. call it crazy, i dont know. but it keeps me awake, and it tells me that im still alive. and i dont bother to complain anymore. kind of like the type to do it yourself and you take credit or failure by yourself. events change me into such a person. and im grateful for it. why complain? why take drug to ease the pain? when all in all, life is just a game. you make it, or you break it. but both ways, you arrive at the same point in life. its just how you play the game. and now, the pain is not an enemy, but a friend. call it an addiction.
went out to marina and met up with them. so go eat steamboat, crap a lot. succumbed to alcohol again, not because i want to. i need the alcohol to sleep. but damn damn damn, i got scammed out of the deal. they took most of the alcohol and i drank only one cup total, i think. i know my limits. and i keep well within them. im not expecting to drink till i drop. thats OTT ( over the top ). i just need to be blurry headed to get to sleep.
after dinner, went for a walk. walked near to benjamin shears bridge. started to think. not that i can do anything anyway. i cant do shit. hey, its not that i dont care. but, this is better left to my brain. strange thing is, walking along the path, the thoughts come into my head. you speculate all you want. this is locked away for good. but over at benjamin shears bridge, my mind went blank. just stared out at the sea, the lights and the scenery.
i didnt notice it at all in the first place. of course, the simplest things in life is always the hardest to find. for over 17 ( coming to 18 ) years, i havent noticed it until now. i feel shamed for being so ignorant. how could i have missed out God's work in my life? He had sacrificed Himself for me, and yet i turned the blind eye. i totally missed it. i enjoy His works daily, but yet i do not know. dont get me wrong, im not turning into a holy man. all im saying is that im grateful for all that he has done in my life. and there i sat, looking out at the night, stars, sea, scenery and the wonders of the world, and i thanked Him for all this.
all this is just what God gave. its up to one to understand it. and there, sitting along the shore, hearing the waves crashing against the shore itself, i made a prayer to Him. something which i have not done in quite a while. i prayed for His forgiveness in all that i have done, for His kind eyes to look down at me, and tell me that all is forgiven. i thanked for all that He has done, and all that i have receieved. i dont know if i will ever forget this. but the stark realization has opened my ignorant eyes. and i tell myself, that if he has given the ultimate sacrifice, i have my debt to repay too. and i continue to admire the scenery until it was time to go.
along the way home, i kept thinking. and this phrase came to me, 'Pride goeth before a fall'. is that what is holding me up? pride? if i can, i opt to lose the pride, take the fall, and pick myself up from where i fell and continue my journey. and i ask myself. do i dare to? i dont know. the first step is always the hardest. i tell myself that if i dont lose the pride, it will eat me up from inside. time is the factor here. i need time. i aint got time. move it or lose it doesnt apply here anymore. its do or die. which makes it look all the more bleak.
its all now a question of sanity and courage. do i dare to take that step into the unknown waters? the depth is unknown and the water, murky. and these now come into play. how far down does it go? does it have a stopping point even? crush depth is uncertain as well. what if i fall into an abyss? can i stop? what if i cannot even stop? do i keep falling further in? and even if i do stop, and find myself in an abyss, how am i supposed to get out of it? damn, its supposed to be easier than this! but it never was, was it? all they did was play down the facts and the answer was out all over the place. i cant even see whats below the waterline. the waters are clouded, and nothing is visible.
and finally, i make the decision. in the time i took to compose this ( which is quite a while), i made the decision. i have to take the risk. as big as the risk is, the rewards are also of the same magnitude. i will take that first step. i have to. the risk is great, and i am uncertain of myself. this is a barrier within me that i have to break. after all, life is just a game. it doesnt matter whether you win or lose. you still end up in the same spot later. its just how you play the game. thats all there is to it. and i will myself not to have second thoughts. it will only encourage a different course of action.
sometimes, just appreciate what you have. i see God's work and thank Him for it. you will have more for want, but can that appitite for want ever be fufilled? the answer is no. dont ask why, you'll never know. no one knows. its just plain greed. thats all. the real answer will be hidden somewhere, untouchable by all. you can do something about it. believe in that you have all that you want, and lose the appitite for more.
thats all that i have for today. its time to go already. and i have made that step... now, its all about continuing the journey.
Mr. P: my apologies. you'll get it soon enough. my word. 141930APR05. Ch3Sub28. -628-
I messed this area @
03:30
03:30